Lee returns home tomorrow. The kids are excited and showing signs of "relief".
Liam came down with the swine flu last weekend and has been home with me all week. Hazel and I have avoided catching the flu thus far. Crossing our fingers.
I am a bit speechless. It feels like a wave of strange feelings with Lee coming home. I am so happy to have him on safe soil. His life is still very different from ours. He continues to have huge amount of time to hang out and work out as he goes through the demobilization process. The good thing is that he has had a few days to get his time clock adjusted. It will feel very strange to have him at home and to figure out where his place is in the current family routine. Tread lightly.....I say. It will be very nice to have some where to tuck my cold feet at night.
So...the menu for the return..includes a Leg of Lamb...sides...or course....and Chimey. The idea of cooking as a family is one of my favorite thoughts. We have eaten very simply with Lee gone and welcome his influence!
Friday, Lee's parents leave for a long Holiday in Africa and England. Fortunately, they will have the opportunity to see him return on Thursday -- as parents that should settle their heart and mind to have him home safe and happy. I can not say enough about the absolute saint that Lee's Mom has been during this year. She has been the second parent. The kids have fared so well this year and a huge part of that is the stability and support of Lee's Mom. Now it is her turn to travel and live a little free.
I welcome the next season for all of us.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Working through the month of June
It feels like YEARS since I have seen Lee. It was wonderful to have him in April for the two weeks that he was able to visit for R and R but it sure makes this second 6 months feel endless. Lee is busy and less "freaked out" about home not being here when he gets back. That is good, but it also means that I hear from him less and he seems to have less to say. This makes me sad.
Then, I wonder, to all the people who are big advocates and supporters of what Lee is doing in Iraq (because I am grateful for the support) -- I wonder if they could even IMAGINE what it must be like for small children, like ours, to be completely without a father for an entire YEAR? I wonder what it would be like for them if you took their rock...their primary comfort and took it away for a year? ---Our kids are okay...doing well...but they are different without their Dad. They are different kids now.
Hazel is sick...fever and very tired for three days now. She is scheduled to leave for Wash. DC on Sunday so I need to take her to the doctor tomorrow to make sure it is just a virus and nothing more.
Liam refuses organized activities and threw a mini tantrum when he had to go with us to one of Hazel's friend's ballet recitals this weekend. That was a strange and crazy burst of anger in my boy. However, he is content, building a MASSIVE Lego operation in the bedroom and wearing is boxers and a t-shirt for about 18 hours a day. He is looking forward to his trip to Lego land, CA with his Nana in a couple weeks.
Me, well, I bought a Harmonica and am trying to learn some basics. I am impatient. Running is going ..okay...but I am not hitting every scheduled run. The heat is unbearable and I am running alone. The early am runs are nearly impossible because I worry about leaving the kids home alone. So, I don't.
Headed to NC to work the Summer Camp in about 10 days. I am still looking for arrangements for the two dogs, two fish and cat. Sigh....
Then, I wonder, to all the people who are big advocates and supporters of what Lee is doing in Iraq (because I am grateful for the support) -- I wonder if they could even IMAGINE what it must be like for small children, like ours, to be completely without a father for an entire YEAR? I wonder what it would be like for them if you took their rock...their primary comfort and took it away for a year? ---Our kids are okay...doing well...but they are different without their Dad. They are different kids now.
Hazel is sick...fever and very tired for three days now. She is scheduled to leave for Wash. DC on Sunday so I need to take her to the doctor tomorrow to make sure it is just a virus and nothing more.
Liam refuses organized activities and threw a mini tantrum when he had to go with us to one of Hazel's friend's ballet recitals this weekend. That was a strange and crazy burst of anger in my boy. However, he is content, building a MASSIVE Lego operation in the bedroom and wearing is boxers and a t-shirt for about 18 hours a day. He is looking forward to his trip to Lego land, CA with his Nana in a couple weeks.
Me, well, I bought a Harmonica and am trying to learn some basics. I am impatient. Running is going ..okay...but I am not hitting every scheduled run. The heat is unbearable and I am running alone. The early am runs are nearly impossible because I worry about leaving the kids home alone. So, I don't.
Headed to NC to work the Summer Camp in about 10 days. I am still looking for arrangements for the two dogs, two fish and cat. Sigh....
Saturday, May 23, 2009
First training run for Marine Corp Marathon-Oct. 25
It was a run that was not coordinated with the "Kristin Kicks Cancer" group I have joined.
It was not "pretty".
It could have been better, but it could have been a whole lot worse.
I made use of my fancy ipod Nano----although I have never been into listening to music while running......and do not like things in my ears. However, I downloaded a couple pod casts and felt very tech savy. I listened to "This American Life" for the entire run and found that great to keep my mind off the fact that I was running. The kids ran the last mile with me and put forth a few drops of sweat to help me out. Thanks kids.
It was not "pretty".
It could have been better, but it could have been a whole lot worse.
I made use of my fancy ipod Nano----although I have never been into listening to music while running......and do not like things in my ears. However, I downloaded a couple pod casts and felt very tech savy. I listened to "This American Life" for the entire run and found that great to keep my mind off the fact that I was running. The kids ran the last mile with me and put forth a few drops of sweat to help me out. Thanks kids.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Irene, Lee, and things that are apparently on my mind today
Part One - Irene
My "Grandma Irene" passed away last summer on July 10th. When she went in to the Hospital and we decided to call in Hospice. I was working in North Carolina as the nurse for Hazel's summer camp. It was a tough week trying to find a way to get back to her and to be with my Mom and sister as they helped care for her in her final days.
You see, I loved Irene more than anyone else I have ever loved.
I was finally able to arrange a way to get back to Boise from the mountains of North Carolina. The last couple of days of camp would be covered by other staff. I was frantic that day, driving through the mountains to get to Atlanta to an amazingly expensive direct flight.
I had very limited cell reception in the mountains and I had (of course) run over my cell phone in recent days. This made calling people a bit of a mystery...scroll down, dial, and wonder who might answer. I tried to picture my alphabetical list and count the number of names down. I was trying to call my sister because I knew she was at Irene's and I felt that my chances of making it home on time to bid her farewell were fading. As I rounded a bend I had 2 of 5 bars on the phone...then I would round another bend and have nothing. I took a chance on one bend and counted down something like 12 names and was amazed when Kelli answered the phone.
"How is she, I said." I could hear the whispers of family in her room. Kelli said she was comfortable and gave me the run down from the night. There was this feeling during the week that Irene was holding out. Even if it was an illusion and part of her dying process I felt an emotional pull to the idea that she, too, wanted a final farewell with me. I told Kelli that although I was trying very hard to make it to her by the evening I needed her to know that it was okay for her to go if she was ready. I was telling Kelli this when Kelli interrupted and said, "Nicci, she is getting very quiet, I think she is going." I asked her to put the phone to her for me. "Grandma, Nicci here, I love you," I said through the cell which had miraculously maintained coverage for the 3 or 4 minutes. Then Kelli choked back and got back on the phone and told me she was gone. Just like that. I pulled over to the side of the dewy mountain road, tears blurring my vision, my life and everything I understood about it fading right before my eyes.
Irene's life was profound in that I had some tie to it that made me understand existence and with her now fading into her own eternity I felt my self concept slip away. I could feel myself trying to hold on and follow her so that I did not end up and empty shell of a being. Then the cell reception went away and never returned until I arrived at the airport in Atlanta.
I pulled myself together and felt relief for Irene. Soggy sadness washed over me. It was very lonely, the death of Irene. It was a profoundly isolating experience. Just me and my God and the feeling that I knew life would never be the same again. In many ways I felt a bit of relief that Irene was unaware of my failing marriage and left with sweet memories of better days. My kids and I had visited her over the years and she felt their love. Yes, life would be good and wonderful but it was changing. It transformed in the space of 2 minutes. I pictured her peaceful escape from her body and her loss of memory and her worries about money and burdens.
I made it back to Boise. I was able to be with my family. I was able to say good-bye to her cold shell that was home for so many years. That was a sweet, smiling time for me as I remembered being curled in her arms with her humming, the jostling of her large key ring, the way she twirled my hair and laughed at misunderstandings.
As we prepared for the the details of cremation and burial we had the responsibility to do earthly things like eat, figure out what to wear to the funeral and to clean out her room at the little house that cared for her.
When I walked into her room I felt a massive (I mean MASSIVE) wave of Irene flood me. There was her smell and her belongings. I remembered my last visit with her and how confused she was and how I just crawled up into her twin bed with her and became the back of the spoon. I began putting her belongings in to boxes but when I opened her closet her shoes greeted me. The black, lace up shoes that she had worn recently. The little white socks had been pushed into each shoe as she took them off. Of course she had the absent minded intent of getting one more day of wear out of the socks. She would have said because, "I don't go much anymore." The shoes rocked me and have become the center of the pain and loss I felt for Irene. When I think of her (and I do often) I think of those shoes and how I struggled to let them go. My family was sweet and understanding but had to convince me that keeping her shoes and socks in memoriam was not practical.
___________________
Part 2 - Lee
When Lee left from this two week vacation it became rather quiet around here. Of course Liam has had the usual adjustment he has whenever Lee leaves. During this time he cannot express his feeling of sadness or loss and becomes irritable, inappropriate and angry.
I have become very familiar with this response over the past 6 years of service. I see it a few times each year when Lee leaves. However, it still rocks my world and frustrates me. I am such a vocal person and so inherently outward with my feelings - the boy makes me tilt my head and pinch my eyes. After a few days his outlook had and when he left the house in costume for "the vocabulary day parade" I felt like we were on the verge of normalcy.
Lee is missing us with grand emotion. I feel his upset and desperation in each contact. I settled in and read a few thousand pages in a book series not noticing that I was probably escaping this little loss. However, it hits me, like Irene's loss hit me when I get to the bottom of the laundry pile and smell Lee in shorts and shirt he wore prior to leaving. It is the reminder of a physical presence that is no longer here. And although Lee will return, in October, it forces me to postulate the way in which my own concept of self in tied to my physical surroundings. It is tied to the people and things I can touch and interact with; because in the end these are the only things that are real.
______________
Part 3 - Me, myself and I
How self indulgent writing can me. "Enough about me, let me talk about ME -- a little more."
These are the things that have come up in my head today as I try to figure out the hint of deployment/Army irritation that still lingers. In the end it is just me and my shell and I understand that about life. But the human experience and the way that we interact and choose spouses and friends and how to relate and how to BE is profound and quite confusing to me.
Elizabeth Edwards was talking about forgiving her husband and she says that she has, but that her concept of the "beautiful, perfect, marriage" she was a part of has been changed and taken from her. She is mourning the loss of that concept and the fact that she will never have that again. It will be a different reality, but it will be okay.
My "Grandma Irene" passed away last summer on July 10th. When she went in to the Hospital and we decided to call in Hospice. I was working in North Carolina as the nurse for Hazel's summer camp. It was a tough week trying to find a way to get back to her and to be with my Mom and sister as they helped care for her in her final days.
You see, I loved Irene more than anyone else I have ever loved.
I was finally able to arrange a way to get back to Boise from the mountains of North Carolina. The last couple of days of camp would be covered by other staff. I was frantic that day, driving through the mountains to get to Atlanta to an amazingly expensive direct flight.
I had very limited cell reception in the mountains and I had (of course) run over my cell phone in recent days. This made calling people a bit of a mystery...scroll down, dial, and wonder who might answer. I tried to picture my alphabetical list and count the number of names down. I was trying to call my sister because I knew she was at Irene's and I felt that my chances of making it home on time to bid her farewell were fading. As I rounded a bend I had 2 of 5 bars on the phone...then I would round another bend and have nothing. I took a chance on one bend and counted down something like 12 names and was amazed when Kelli answered the phone.
"How is she, I said." I could hear the whispers of family in her room. Kelli said she was comfortable and gave me the run down from the night. There was this feeling during the week that Irene was holding out. Even if it was an illusion and part of her dying process I felt an emotional pull to the idea that she, too, wanted a final farewell with me. I told Kelli that although I was trying very hard to make it to her by the evening I needed her to know that it was okay for her to go if she was ready. I was telling Kelli this when Kelli interrupted and said, "Nicci, she is getting very quiet, I think she is going." I asked her to put the phone to her for me. "Grandma, Nicci here, I love you," I said through the cell which had miraculously maintained coverage for the 3 or 4 minutes. Then Kelli choked back and got back on the phone and told me she was gone. Just like that. I pulled over to the side of the dewy mountain road, tears blurring my vision, my life and everything I understood about it fading right before my eyes.
Irene's life was profound in that I had some tie to it that made me understand existence and with her now fading into her own eternity I felt my self concept slip away. I could feel myself trying to hold on and follow her so that I did not end up and empty shell of a being. Then the cell reception went away and never returned until I arrived at the airport in Atlanta.
I pulled myself together and felt relief for Irene. Soggy sadness washed over me. It was very lonely, the death of Irene. It was a profoundly isolating experience. Just me and my God and the feeling that I knew life would never be the same again. In many ways I felt a bit of relief that Irene was unaware of my failing marriage and left with sweet memories of better days. My kids and I had visited her over the years and she felt their love. Yes, life would be good and wonderful but it was changing. It transformed in the space of 2 minutes. I pictured her peaceful escape from her body and her loss of memory and her worries about money and burdens.
I made it back to Boise. I was able to be with my family. I was able to say good-bye to her cold shell that was home for so many years. That was a sweet, smiling time for me as I remembered being curled in her arms with her humming, the jostling of her large key ring, the way she twirled my hair and laughed at misunderstandings.
As we prepared for the the details of cremation and burial we had the responsibility to do earthly things like eat, figure out what to wear to the funeral and to clean out her room at the little house that cared for her.
When I walked into her room I felt a massive (I mean MASSIVE) wave of Irene flood me. There was her smell and her belongings. I remembered my last visit with her and how confused she was and how I just crawled up into her twin bed with her and became the back of the spoon. I began putting her belongings in to boxes but when I opened her closet her shoes greeted me. The black, lace up shoes that she had worn recently. The little white socks had been pushed into each shoe as she took them off. Of course she had the absent minded intent of getting one more day of wear out of the socks. She would have said because, "I don't go much anymore." The shoes rocked me and have become the center of the pain and loss I felt for Irene. When I think of her (and I do often) I think of those shoes and how I struggled to let them go. My family was sweet and understanding but had to convince me that keeping her shoes and socks in memoriam was not practical.
___________________
Part 2 - Lee
When Lee left from this two week vacation it became rather quiet around here. Of course Liam has had the usual adjustment he has whenever Lee leaves. During this time he cannot express his feeling of sadness or loss and becomes irritable, inappropriate and angry.
I have become very familiar with this response over the past 6 years of service. I see it a few times each year when Lee leaves. However, it still rocks my world and frustrates me. I am such a vocal person and so inherently outward with my feelings - the boy makes me tilt my head and pinch my eyes. After a few days his outlook had and when he left the house in costume for "the vocabulary day parade" I felt like we were on the verge of normalcy.
Lee is missing us with grand emotion. I feel his upset and desperation in each contact. I settled in and read a few thousand pages in a book series not noticing that I was probably escaping this little loss. However, it hits me, like Irene's loss hit me when I get to the bottom of the laundry pile and smell Lee in shorts and shirt he wore prior to leaving. It is the reminder of a physical presence that is no longer here. And although Lee will return, in October, it forces me to postulate the way in which my own concept of self in tied to my physical surroundings. It is tied to the people and things I can touch and interact with; because in the end these are the only things that are real.
______________
Part 3 - Me, myself and I
How self indulgent writing can me. "Enough about me, let me talk about ME -- a little more."
These are the things that have come up in my head today as I try to figure out the hint of deployment/Army irritation that still lingers. In the end it is just me and my shell and I understand that about life. But the human experience and the way that we interact and choose spouses and friends and how to relate and how to BE is profound and quite confusing to me.
Elizabeth Edwards was talking about forgiving her husband and she says that she has, but that her concept of the "beautiful, perfect, marriage" she was a part of has been changed and taken from her. She is mourning the loss of that concept and the fact that she will never have that again. It will be a different reality, but it will be okay.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
PTA duties, educating the babes, and the arranged marriage
Ok...so...I have learned over the years that I am not a good organizer of large activities. I should always be a co-rep and never the primary. I procrastinate. I do not like to ask for things. I do not like to pester people. I prefer e-mail to the phone. And did I say---I procrastinate?
Next week I am the dedicated organizer of Field Day at the school. I am a member of the PTA board and took the position thinking...no problem...one event and it is at the end of the year. By then, I will be used to Lee being gone and it will be fine.
There are nearly 1200 kids at the school. The Coach has organized the activity stations (thank God)--but I am in charge of the water table, first aid station, time-out area, and a Freeze-ice for each child as they finish their activity. I have $200 PTA dollars and I need to get my own volunteers to help. So far, I have lists for up to 60 volunteers. How many do I have......8. I am running this thing next Mon, Tues and Wed in two sessions a day. I have to keep the Popsicles frozen so Publix has them special for me in a big deep freeze. So 20 minutes before the end of each session I have to pick them up....bring them over....and get the tops cut off for the kids to eat---while frozen.
Tomorrow is Thursday. I guess I need to start making calls for volunteers. I HATE the phone. I really do. I need posters..a.nd 1500 water cups and lots of ice and 10 pairs of scissors and trash cans. I need these things to happen.
----------------------
On a lighter note. Lee is heading home in about one week. It is like an arranged marriage----like I have never seen him in all the 14 years we have been together. It is like meeting him for the first time, except I know what whiskey he wants me to buy. The kids do not know the exact day and I don't really yet either. But we are excited.
--------------
Hazel got into the Magnet Program of her first choice and will be at Julia Landon College Prep next year (how can you college prep in 6th grade...more like Puberty Prep...101---but for gifted kids and I am sure puberty is very different if you are gifted????) --she is thrilled and I am trying trying to figure out the daily transportation arrangements because this school is downtown. It starts at 7:30 am and gets out at 2:30 (what kind of hours are those for a teenager?)
____________________
Liam will also be going to a new school. It is a good year for change. He spent the day at Hendricks Day School today. He had a really good day. I liked what I saw. He was also excepted and it looks like he will get a McKay Scholarship so we won't be living on the streets--unless gas prices go back up that is.
-----------------------
I had a work related dinner tonight --a pharmaceutical company event. The food was good but trying to come up with ways to pike holes in the statistics and trials etc was way more fun. I miss statistics and research and common sense with those topics. I would have liked being a physician I think. Not that they do much of what I was doing---but they should. they should read more and more to help make treatment decisions. I would. And I would always remove the spleen of my lymphoma patients----I would do that.
Next week I am the dedicated organizer of Field Day at the school. I am a member of the PTA board and took the position thinking...no problem...one event and it is at the end of the year. By then, I will be used to Lee being gone and it will be fine.
There are nearly 1200 kids at the school. The Coach has organized the activity stations (thank God)--but I am in charge of the water table, first aid station, time-out area, and a Freeze-ice for each child as they finish their activity. I have $200 PTA dollars and I need to get my own volunteers to help. So far, I have lists for up to 60 volunteers. How many do I have......8. I am running this thing next Mon, Tues and Wed in two sessions a day. I have to keep the Popsicles frozen so Publix has them special for me in a big deep freeze. So 20 minutes before the end of each session I have to pick them up....bring them over....and get the tops cut off for the kids to eat---while frozen.
Tomorrow is Thursday. I guess I need to start making calls for volunteers. I HATE the phone. I really do. I need posters..a.nd 1500 water cups and lots of ice and 10 pairs of scissors and trash cans. I need these things to happen.
----------------------
On a lighter note. Lee is heading home in about one week. It is like an arranged marriage----like I have never seen him in all the 14 years we have been together. It is like meeting him for the first time, except I know what whiskey he wants me to buy. The kids do not know the exact day and I don't really yet either. But we are excited.
--------------
Hazel got into the Magnet Program of her first choice and will be at Julia Landon College Prep next year (how can you college prep in 6th grade...more like Puberty Prep...101---but for gifted kids and I am sure puberty is very different if you are gifted????) --she is thrilled and I am trying trying to figure out the daily transportation arrangements because this school is downtown. It starts at 7:30 am and gets out at 2:30 (what kind of hours are those for a teenager?)
____________________
Liam will also be going to a new school. It is a good year for change. He spent the day at Hendricks Day School today. He had a really good day. I liked what I saw. He was also excepted and it looks like he will get a McKay Scholarship so we won't be living on the streets--unless gas prices go back up that is.
-----------------------
I had a work related dinner tonight --a pharmaceutical company event. The food was good but trying to come up with ways to pike holes in the statistics and trials etc was way more fun. I miss statistics and research and common sense with those topics. I would have liked being a physician I think. Not that they do much of what I was doing---but they should. they should read more and more to help make treatment decisions. I would. And I would always remove the spleen of my lymphoma patients----I would do that.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Here it comes again.....
April is in full swing. Swinging right before my very eyes. Next week my personal clock will turn to 36. Third row seats to David Sedaris on the eve of my birthday!! So excited.
I have a handsome and clever son sitting behind me with tears in his eyes as he watches Totoro.
I have a charming and and brilliant daughter sound asleep in my bed waiting for me to take her (PLEASE) to the bookstore in the morning....n...e...e..d...more..b-o-o-k-s.
My husband is still in Iraq although he is due to come back to us for a two week R/R in the near future. He is eager to be part of this family and part of my life it seems.
Today, at work, I completed another day - noting along the way my willingness to work while craving other populations.
Registered for the Marine Corp Marathon in Washington D.C. I will be making it happen on October 25th is support of Kristin Kettle - a young woman with amazing courage and insight to life. I hardly know her but have joined a group of hers to train and run the marathon--I feel honored and welcome. This is an awesome responsibility.
Easter, sunny days, and prospects for more pleasant days. I think I need to go listen to some Irish at the pub ...very soon.
Big black nervous dog got after little white alpha dog this week and left a smallish hole in his ear----shame.
I have a handsome and clever son sitting behind me with tears in his eyes as he watches Totoro.
I have a charming and and brilliant daughter sound asleep in my bed waiting for me to take her (PLEASE) to the bookstore in the morning....n...e...e..d...more..b-o-o-k-s.
My husband is still in Iraq although he is due to come back to us for a two week R/R in the near future. He is eager to be part of this family and part of my life it seems.
Today, at work, I completed another day - noting along the way my willingness to work while craving other populations.
Registered for the Marine Corp Marathon in Washington D.C. I will be making it happen on October 25th is support of Kristin Kettle - a young woman with amazing courage and insight to life. I hardly know her but have joined a group of hers to train and run the marathon--I feel honored and welcome. This is an awesome responsibility.
Easter, sunny days, and prospects for more pleasant days. I think I need to go listen to some Irish at the pub ...very soon.
Big black nervous dog got after little white alpha dog this week and left a smallish hole in his ear----shame.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Deployment and marriage and the slightly preachy/too much information post
There is a lot of information regarding the effects of Military Deployment on marriage. I recently read a headline about the skyrocketing frequency of divorce within the ranks. This does not surprise me and certainly concerned me as Lee deployed last October. I had good reason to be concerned. These numbers likely included the marriages that were rather solid going into deployment. Lee and I were about two freeway exits from a divorce, possibly closer. It had been a difficult few years and it felt very possible that the deployment was simply a door opening that would allow us both to actually move on and not continue to sit with the indecisive nature of "should I stay or should I go". So, in a way, I was looking forward to the breathing room of deployment and hoping to settle my routine without the stress of our failing marriage riding on my back.
Prior to deployment, the military sent us on a paid weekend couples retreat. I was skeptical because I usually shun all things military. I usually find the company to be rather simple and the content to be oppressive. I really did not feel like sitting through a weekend of "stand by your man". However, Lee made a concerted effort to organize the weekend and after nearly 12 years of complaining about him NOT doing this I would be truly nasty to to welcome it and give it my best. The weekend was well run. The resort in Orlando was very nice. Lee and I were tense and not quite sure how to operate in the class sessions but the sessions were informative and the books the class was based on were good. I was able to keep my head down and do the read and highlight game like when I was in school. This was a comfortable place for me. We both enjoyed hanging out although making plans together showed how distant we had become. On the final day we did a spa session with joint pedicures. I found that entertaining to see Lee in the spa and was comforted by his willingness to participate. We went back home on even ground.
That lead us to the safe weekend we had prior to deployment. The one where all the fears of dying in war and leaving things left unsaid become the focus. This was a great weekend. There was too much energy being spent on the fears of death to muster up accusations and heartache. We tearfully held on at the airport, a feeling very foreign to our marriage.
It has been five and a half months since Lee left. The distance has pushed personal boundaries for both Lee and I. We have become comically close with the texting feature of the long distance marriage. It is a little like have 3 beers on board most of the time. There is a subtle freedom to not having to look each other in the eye. Body language interpretations and misinterpretations are non-existent. Sometimes we will be chatting via text and Lee will ask if I want him to call with the video feature---I usually say "NO". He laughs acknowledging my new comfort with not having to be face to face. The most profound change with the distance is our ability to look big picture. The "should I stay or should I go" started to feel like baggage. It came down to complete and utter honesty about everything that was or could have been hurtful in the marriage. This followed with more break it down and cut it up and then followed with waves of regret for wasted time. Then we woke up and felt like we had chewed up the past for dinner and felt ready to take the next day on. I do not know it this would have been possible without the distance of the deployment. I am sure Lee does not think it would have been.
I have strong feelings about the situations that have shaped our current world. The fact that Lee is even in the military still astounds me. I do feel cycles of resentment. But I also have to laugh at the way we have both devoured the self-help section of Amazon.com. I mean really, no wonder we get spam. The language we speak is changing. I don't want to say that everything is better and I am grateful for the deployment exactly. I cannot breathe total optimism because Lee and I are only part of the deployment sacrifice. The difficulty of separation on the kids and the manner in which being the single Mom has tested my parenting skills is a real thorn in the family function. More things need fixing around here.
In our case, the case of a troubled marriage forced into deployment, we are driving on the highway toward something closer rather than racing in separate directions. There is a certain sense of the magnitude of possibilities for us as a couple if we can welcome change and a new situation in our home. I do not suggest any "applause" or "good for you two". This life is still up in the air. I simply wanted to share with the people who know us and love us the fact that what will become here might be different from what you know. I am the wordy one on this slate but the willingness to expel demons and become a vocal advocate for the marriage is Lee's doing. Lee wants to talk and had ideas on this life and his role. He has ideas and contemplations on the family and the various parts. He is "eyes open and on fire" for the patterns and roles he has played. It will be interesting to watch Lee come back to this earth loaded with the language and feelings of a changed man.
I remember seeing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a given for Lee. Knowing that amount of mental energy Lee spend on survival thought patterns even while sleeping safely in his own bed I was anticipating a storm of brain flood when he had to live it daily for a year. At he current time, the fear and anxiety in Lee has faded and the humor and livability of his are beginning to glow.
Me? I still have so much work to do. I still need to learn to speak and stand in a room without twitching and irrational irritation. It can be daunting. But, I am living truth and that is really, really great. It is a foreign place for me.
Second part of post.....
KNOW YOUR THYROID...LOVE IT AND RESPECT ITS POWER
I am giving my body what my thyroid could not...and I am grateful for my Dr. (again and again) for his comprehensive exam and thorough response. I am feeling good. I feel a little better each day.
Prior to deployment, the military sent us on a paid weekend couples retreat. I was skeptical because I usually shun all things military. I usually find the company to be rather simple and the content to be oppressive. I really did not feel like sitting through a weekend of "stand by your man". However, Lee made a concerted effort to organize the weekend and after nearly 12 years of complaining about him NOT doing this I would be truly nasty to to welcome it and give it my best. The weekend was well run. The resort in Orlando was very nice. Lee and I were tense and not quite sure how to operate in the class sessions but the sessions were informative and the books the class was based on were good. I was able to keep my head down and do the read and highlight game like when I was in school. This was a comfortable place for me. We both enjoyed hanging out although making plans together showed how distant we had become. On the final day we did a spa session with joint pedicures. I found that entertaining to see Lee in the spa and was comforted by his willingness to participate. We went back home on even ground.
That lead us to the safe weekend we had prior to deployment. The one where all the fears of dying in war and leaving things left unsaid become the focus. This was a great weekend. There was too much energy being spent on the fears of death to muster up accusations and heartache. We tearfully held on at the airport, a feeling very foreign to our marriage.
It has been five and a half months since Lee left. The distance has pushed personal boundaries for both Lee and I. We have become comically close with the texting feature of the long distance marriage. It is a little like have 3 beers on board most of the time. There is a subtle freedom to not having to look each other in the eye. Body language interpretations and misinterpretations are non-existent. Sometimes we will be chatting via text and Lee will ask if I want him to call with the video feature---I usually say "NO". He laughs acknowledging my new comfort with not having to be face to face. The most profound change with the distance is our ability to look big picture. The "should I stay or should I go" started to feel like baggage. It came down to complete and utter honesty about everything that was or could have been hurtful in the marriage. This followed with more break it down and cut it up and then followed with waves of regret for wasted time. Then we woke up and felt like we had chewed up the past for dinner and felt ready to take the next day on. I do not know it this would have been possible without the distance of the deployment. I am sure Lee does not think it would have been.
I have strong feelings about the situations that have shaped our current world. The fact that Lee is even in the military still astounds me. I do feel cycles of resentment. But I also have to laugh at the way we have both devoured the self-help section of Amazon.com. I mean really, no wonder we get spam. The language we speak is changing. I don't want to say that everything is better and I am grateful for the deployment exactly. I cannot breathe total optimism because Lee and I are only part of the deployment sacrifice. The difficulty of separation on the kids and the manner in which being the single Mom has tested my parenting skills is a real thorn in the family function. More things need fixing around here.
In our case, the case of a troubled marriage forced into deployment, we are driving on the highway toward something closer rather than racing in separate directions. There is a certain sense of the magnitude of possibilities for us as a couple if we can welcome change and a new situation in our home. I do not suggest any "applause" or "good for you two". This life is still up in the air. I simply wanted to share with the people who know us and love us the fact that what will become here might be different from what you know. I am the wordy one on this slate but the willingness to expel demons and become a vocal advocate for the marriage is Lee's doing. Lee wants to talk and had ideas on this life and his role. He has ideas and contemplations on the family and the various parts. He is "eyes open and on fire" for the patterns and roles he has played. It will be interesting to watch Lee come back to this earth loaded with the language and feelings of a changed man.
I remember seeing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a given for Lee. Knowing that amount of mental energy Lee spend on survival thought patterns even while sleeping safely in his own bed I was anticipating a storm of brain flood when he had to live it daily for a year. At he current time, the fear and anxiety in Lee has faded and the humor and livability of his are beginning to glow.
Me? I still have so much work to do. I still need to learn to speak and stand in a room without twitching and irrational irritation. It can be daunting. But, I am living truth and that is really, really great. It is a foreign place for me.
Second part of post.....
KNOW YOUR THYROID...LOVE IT AND RESPECT ITS POWER
I am giving my body what my thyroid could not...and I am grateful for my Dr. (again and again) for his comprehensive exam and thorough response. I am feeling good. I feel a little better each day.
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