Deployment and marriage and the slightly preachy/too much information post

There is a lot of information regarding the effects of Military Deployment on marriage. I recently read a headline about the skyrocketing frequency of divorce within the ranks. This does not surprise me and certainly concerned me as Lee deployed last October. I had good reason to be concerned. These numbers likely included the marriages that were rather solid going into deployment. Lee and I were about two freeway exits from a divorce, possibly closer. It had been a difficult few years and it felt very possible that the deployment was simply a door opening that would allow us both to actually move on and not continue to sit with the indecisive nature of "should I stay or should I go". So, in a way, I was looking forward to the breathing room of deployment and hoping to settle my routine without the stress of our failing marriage riding on my back.

Prior to deployment, the military sent us on a paid weekend couples retreat. I was skeptical because I usually shun all things military. I usually find the company to be rather simple and the content to be oppressive. I really did not feel like sitting through a weekend of "stand by your man". However, Lee made a concerted effort to organize the weekend and after nearly 12 years of complaining about him NOT doing this I would be truly nasty to to welcome it and give it my best. The weekend was well run. The resort in Orlando was very nice. Lee and I were tense and not quite sure how to operate in the class sessions but the sessions were informative and the books the class was based on were good. I was able to keep my head down and do the read and highlight game like when I was in school. This was a comfortable place for me. We both enjoyed hanging out although making plans together showed how distant we had become. On the final day we did a spa session with joint pedicures. I found that entertaining to see Lee in the spa and was comforted by his willingness to participate. We went back home on even ground.

That lead us to the safe weekend we had prior to deployment. The one where all the fears of dying in war and leaving things left unsaid become the focus. This was a great weekend. There was too much energy being spent on the fears of death to muster up accusations and heartache. We tearfully held on at the airport, a feeling very foreign to our marriage.

It has been five and a half months since Lee left. The distance has pushed personal boundaries for both Lee and I. We have become comically close with the texting feature of the long distance marriage. It is a little like have 3 beers on board most of the time. There is a subtle freedom to not having to look each other in the eye. Body language interpretations and misinterpretations are non-existent. Sometimes we will be chatting via text and Lee will ask if I want him to call with the video feature---I usually say "NO". He laughs acknowledging my new comfort with not having to be face to face. The most profound change with the distance is our ability to look big picture. The "should I stay or should I go" started to feel like baggage. It came down to complete and utter honesty about everything that was or could have been hurtful in the marriage. This followed with more break it down and cut it up and then followed with waves of regret for wasted time. Then we woke up and felt like we had chewed up the past for dinner and felt ready to take the next day on. I do not know it this would have been possible without the distance of the deployment. I am sure Lee does not think it would have been.

I have strong feelings about the situations that have shaped our current world. The fact that Lee is even in the military still astounds me. I do feel cycles of resentment. But I also have to laugh at the way we have both devoured the self-help section of Amazon.com. I mean really, no wonder we get spam. The language we speak is changing. I don't want to say that everything is better and I am grateful for the deployment exactly. I cannot breathe total optimism because Lee and I are only part of the deployment sacrifice. The difficulty of separation on the kids and the manner in which being the single Mom has tested my parenting skills is a real thorn in the family function. More things need fixing around here.

In our case, the case of a troubled marriage forced into deployment, we are driving on the highway toward something closer rather than racing in separate directions. There is a certain sense of the magnitude of possibilities for us as a couple if we can welcome change and a new situation in our home. I do not suggest any "applause" or "good for you two". This life is still up in the air. I simply wanted to share with the people who know us and love us the fact that what will become here might be different from what you know. I am the wordy one on this slate but the willingness to expel demons and become a vocal advocate for the marriage is Lee's doing. Lee wants to talk and had ideas on this life and his role. He has ideas and contemplations on the family and the various parts. He is "eyes open and on fire" for the patterns and roles he has played. It will be interesting to watch Lee come back to this earth loaded with the language and feelings of a changed man.

I remember seeing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a given for Lee. Knowing that amount of mental energy Lee spend on survival thought patterns even while sleeping safely in his own bed I was anticipating a storm of brain flood when he had to live it daily for a year. At he current time, the fear and anxiety in Lee has faded and the humor and livability of his are beginning to glow.

Me? I still have so much work to do. I still need to learn to speak and stand in a room without twitching and irrational irritation. It can be daunting. But, I am living truth and that is really, really great. It is a foreign place for me.

Second part of post.....
KNOW YOUR THYROID...LOVE IT AND RESPECT ITS POWER
I am giving my body what my thyroid could not...and I am grateful for my Dr. (again and again) for his comprehensive exam and thorough response. I am feeling good. I feel a little better each day.