There is a lot of information regarding the effects of Military Deployment on marriage. I recently read a headline about the skyrocketing frequency of divorce within the ranks. This does not surprise me and certainly concerned me as Lee deployed last October. I had good reason to be concerned. These numbers likely included the marriages that were rather solid going into deployment. Lee and I were about two freeway exits from a divorce, possibly closer. It had been a difficult few years and it felt very possible that the deployment was simply a door opening that would allow us both to actually move on and not continue to sit with the indecisive nature of "should I stay or should I go". So, in a way, I was looking forward to the breathing room of deployment and hoping to settle my routine without the stress of our failing marriage riding on my back.
Prior to deployment, the military sent us on a paid weekend couples retreat. I was skeptical because I usually shun all things military. I usually find the company to be rather simple and the content to be oppressive. I really did not feel like sitting through a weekend of "stand by your man". However, Lee made a concerted effort to organize the weekend and after nearly 12 years of complaining about him NOT doing this I would be truly nasty to to welcome it and give it my best. The weekend was well run. The resort in Orlando was very nice. Lee and I were tense and not quite sure how to operate in the class sessions but the sessions were informative and the books the class was based on were good. I was able to keep my head down and do the read and highlight game like when I was in school. This was a comfortable place for me. We both enjoyed hanging out although making plans together showed how distant we had become. On the final day we did a spa session with joint pedicures. I found that entertaining to see Lee in the spa and was comforted by his willingness to participate. We went back home on even ground.
That lead us to the safe weekend we had prior to deployment. The one where all the fears of dying in war and leaving things left unsaid become the focus. This was a great weekend. There was too much energy being spent on the fears of death to muster up accusations and heartache. We tearfully held on at the airport, a feeling very foreign to our marriage.
It has been five and a half months since Lee left. The distance has pushed personal boundaries for both Lee and I. We have become comically close with the texting feature of the long distance marriage. It is a little like have 3 beers on board most of the time. There is a subtle freedom to not having to look each other in the eye. Body language interpretations and misinterpretations are non-existent. Sometimes we will be chatting via text and Lee will ask if I want him to call with the video feature---I usually say "NO". He laughs acknowledging my new comfort with not having to be face to face. The most profound change with the distance is our ability to look big picture. The "should I stay or should I go" started to feel like baggage. It came down to complete and utter honesty about everything that was or could have been hurtful in the marriage. This followed with more break it down and cut it up and then followed with waves of regret for wasted time. Then we woke up and felt like we had chewed up the past for dinner and felt ready to take the next day on. I do not know it this would have been possible without the distance of the deployment. I am sure Lee does not think it would have been.
I have strong feelings about the situations that have shaped our current world. The fact that Lee is even in the military still astounds me. I do feel cycles of resentment. But I also have to laugh at the way we have both devoured the self-help section of Amazon.com. I mean really, no wonder we get spam. The language we speak is changing. I don't want to say that everything is better and I am grateful for the deployment exactly. I cannot breathe total optimism because Lee and I are only part of the deployment sacrifice. The difficulty of separation on the kids and the manner in which being the single Mom has tested my parenting skills is a real thorn in the family function. More things need fixing around here.
In our case, the case of a troubled marriage forced into deployment, we are driving on the highway toward something closer rather than racing in separate directions. There is a certain sense of the magnitude of possibilities for us as a couple if we can welcome change and a new situation in our home. I do not suggest any "applause" or "good for you two". This life is still up in the air. I simply wanted to share with the people who know us and love us the fact that what will become here might be different from what you know. I am the wordy one on this slate but the willingness to expel demons and become a vocal advocate for the marriage is Lee's doing. Lee wants to talk and had ideas on this life and his role. He has ideas and contemplations on the family and the various parts. He is "eyes open and on fire" for the patterns and roles he has played. It will be interesting to watch Lee come back to this earth loaded with the language and feelings of a changed man.
I remember seeing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a given for Lee. Knowing that amount of mental energy Lee spend on survival thought patterns even while sleeping safely in his own bed I was anticipating a storm of brain flood when he had to live it daily for a year. At he current time, the fear and anxiety in Lee has faded and the humor and livability of his are beginning to glow.
Me? I still have so much work to do. I still need to learn to speak and stand in a room without twitching and irrational irritation. It can be daunting. But, I am living truth and that is really, really great. It is a foreign place for me.
Second part of post.....
KNOW YOUR THYROID...LOVE IT AND RESPECT ITS POWER
I am giving my body what my thyroid could not...and I am grateful for my Dr. (again and again) for his comprehensive exam and thorough response. I am feeling good. I feel a little better each day.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Christmas lights, time change and vacation anticipation
I decided to take down the final string of Christmas lights this morning. I found it rather funny. I tried to come up with a justification to keep them ( a multicolored string around the top of the Florida Room). However, I couldn't. I like lights outside...but I will have to get some white patio lights or even better some flamingo patio lights. Oh how cool I could be!
I worked the weekend. It was all fine and the kids had a busy time with their Nana and various friends. Today I am back up to the Mayo for a few more blood tests so that when I see the Endocrinologist tomorrow she will have what she needs to sink her teeth into this thyroid issue. Typical of me, I have rad about thirty research articles from common to obscure in the field of thyroid issues and current diagnosis and research in the area. I like research. I always have. I find the statistics interesting. I enjoy study details such as population randomness and statistical significance. I also like comparing the research to current practice guidelines. It is amazing how long it can take for proven research to reach the mainstream.
I get a little lost in the minutia. I am currently hung up on the TSH reference ranges that the Mayo Clinic is using. I like to think that Mayo is cutting edge (and it is in many areas) my it seems to be about 3 years behind in TSH reference ranges. I hope I don't get kicked out of the Clinic when I bring this up tomorrow....with my folder of highlighted research I carry around. I may be the most annoying patient that comes through. I hope not. I see it as being realistic about the health care system and limitations on what one physician can do in ONE appt. I figure it is helpful to be prepared with my input...lay it out there..and let them work through it with all their experience.
I work a couple days this week as well. Hazel has her FCAT tests this week. She is really bothered about how morning feels after the time change. I told her she should find something better to get MAD about. Being MAD at the time change truly is....well.....a waste of time. She gave me a VERY pre-teen look of irritation. I had to laugh.
Liam is missing his Dad...another round of big "Daddy missing". It comes and goes in waves. Last night he was upset because he never has anything to talk to Lee about on the phone. Thus, he really does not have contact with him. It has been a couple months since Liam sat and chatted with Lee.....I think. Anyway..they are both "doers" my boys. So I suggested Lee work out how to play chess online with Liam....they had looked into that at one point. That is all I can come up with to make Liam feel like he has a connection with him.
I am counting the days until Spring Break. My friends Denise and Kelly are going to be joining the kids and I for a few days at the beach in Daytona. A few days of total beach immersion is exactly what we all need.
I worked the weekend. It was all fine and the kids had a busy time with their Nana and various friends. Today I am back up to the Mayo for a few more blood tests so that when I see the Endocrinologist tomorrow she will have what she needs to sink her teeth into this thyroid issue. Typical of me, I have rad about thirty research articles from common to obscure in the field of thyroid issues and current diagnosis and research in the area. I like research. I always have. I find the statistics interesting. I enjoy study details such as population randomness and statistical significance. I also like comparing the research to current practice guidelines. It is amazing how long it can take for proven research to reach the mainstream.
I get a little lost in the minutia. I am currently hung up on the TSH reference ranges that the Mayo Clinic is using. I like to think that Mayo is cutting edge (and it is in many areas) my it seems to be about 3 years behind in TSH reference ranges. I hope I don't get kicked out of the Clinic when I bring this up tomorrow....with my folder of highlighted research I carry around. I may be the most annoying patient that comes through. I hope not. I see it as being realistic about the health care system and limitations on what one physician can do in ONE appt. I figure it is helpful to be prepared with my input...lay it out there..and let them work through it with all their experience.
I work a couple days this week as well. Hazel has her FCAT tests this week. She is really bothered about how morning feels after the time change. I told her she should find something better to get MAD about. Being MAD at the time change truly is....well.....a waste of time. She gave me a VERY pre-teen look of irritation. I had to laugh.
Liam is missing his Dad...another round of big "Daddy missing". It comes and goes in waves. Last night he was upset because he never has anything to talk to Lee about on the phone. Thus, he really does not have contact with him. It has been a couple months since Liam sat and chatted with Lee.....I think. Anyway..they are both "doers" my boys. So I suggested Lee work out how to play chess online with Liam....they had looked into that at one point. That is all I can come up with to make Liam feel like he has a connection with him.
I am counting the days until Spring Break. My friends Denise and Kelly are going to be joining the kids and I for a few days at the beach in Daytona. A few days of total beach immersion is exactly what we all need.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Biopsy Results-well kind of...
The unofficial biopsy results are from the 10 slides created...(all info is unofficial because I just looked up the pathologists one line read of the slides....I have NOT spoken with a doctor ...yet have spent the entire afternoon and evening working up the details of my own diagnosis).
---it said.....Lymphocytic thyroiditis....there was a comment about the cell spacing but I can't remember the exact words.
I was NOT surprised to discover that this is the same thing as Hashimoto's Thyroiditis....
I will not go into details...but I have been tested for Hypothyroidism at LEAST 6 times since the age of 21. Testing the TSH was the only test ever completed...and when that was within normal range I was always pushed in another direction. So I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy and treated for 10 years...for extreme fatigue...idiopathic hypersomnia. As things continued and I had a two kids the fatigue was often worse and depression settled in....so the diagnoses was changed by my psychiatrist--a few of them....to Depression with possible bi-polar tendencies --oh yes and ADHD to explain the foggy head and inability to concentrate (this was tough because I did not have these symptoms as a child and was always a great student and well behaved). Also...as an adult I cope very well...I just nap...well frequently. I call it "taking to bed" --just for an hour or so...on all days I do not work. Also, I am known to leave a ADHD level of chaos in my life...in my house...car..anywhere that I function. BUT...give me a break I always say...my Husband has been very absent for years and is currently in Iraq for a year. My kids come first, and I work hard at work...kids and job are all going well.
I really do not know what all this means yet. I have two sisters with thyroid issues and psych histories of mood disorders...my one sister that actually had Thyroid Cancer noted that once the Thyroid was removed all of her mood issues and need for medications to manage these issues --disappeared. My other sister is hypo-thyroid but has never had a biopsy and I do not know if there is a specific diagnosis associated with her hypothyroid disease.
So, if these cells do lead me down this direction...well..I would not be surprised. I am leaving room for the Mayo Clinic to work their magic and truly evaluate this situation. I have decided NOT to walk in with my own diagnosis and treatment plan!! I promised my best friend (who know me very well in cases like this) that I will be a "good girl".
The only thing at this point that I would like to suggest if they don't--is a more detailed look at my thyroid function in including a T3 and T4 level as well as a blood test to test of the anti-bodies that would continue to suggest the auto-immune nature of Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.
I DID pull put one of my favorite health guru books....Dr. Weil - Spontaneous Healing. I am a true believer in the power of the body to heal and adjust itself at many levels. I obviously need to figure out what has happened to push my immune system into overdrive or at least figure out how to balance it if possible.
Then...I need to continue to think of my kids....my son Liam has a rather sever case of Vitiligo...auto-immune disorder of the skin...often seen in Hashimoto's disease. I had his TSH tested...it was normal so nothing else was done. So I need to make sure that he get a complete Thyroid work-up and is watched from this perspective as he grows etc.
Bottom line...I feel a small amount of weight lifted off me that my initial findings did not SCREAM THYROID CANCER.....However, I am not concluding anything, because I have limited info..and I am a PICC nurse...not a Endocrinologist. Although.......
---it said.....Lymphocytic thyroiditis....there was a comment about the cell spacing but I can't remember the exact words.
I was NOT surprised to discover that this is the same thing as Hashimoto's Thyroiditis....
I will not go into details...but I have been tested for Hypothyroidism at LEAST 6 times since the age of 21. Testing the TSH was the only test ever completed...and when that was within normal range I was always pushed in another direction. So I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy and treated for 10 years...for extreme fatigue...idiopathic hypersomnia. As things continued and I had a two kids the fatigue was often worse and depression settled in....so the diagnoses was changed by my psychiatrist--a few of them....to Depression with possible bi-polar tendencies --oh yes and ADHD to explain the foggy head and inability to concentrate (this was tough because I did not have these symptoms as a child and was always a great student and well behaved). Also...as an adult I cope very well...I just nap...well frequently. I call it "taking to bed" --just for an hour or so...on all days I do not work. Also, I am known to leave a ADHD level of chaos in my life...in my house...car..anywhere that I function. BUT...give me a break I always say...my Husband has been very absent for years and is currently in Iraq for a year. My kids come first, and I work hard at work...kids and job are all going well.
I really do not know what all this means yet. I have two sisters with thyroid issues and psych histories of mood disorders...my one sister that actually had Thyroid Cancer noted that once the Thyroid was removed all of her mood issues and need for medications to manage these issues --disappeared. My other sister is hypo-thyroid but has never had a biopsy and I do not know if there is a specific diagnosis associated with her hypothyroid disease.
So, if these cells do lead me down this direction...well..I would not be surprised. I am leaving room for the Mayo Clinic to work their magic and truly evaluate this situation. I have decided NOT to walk in with my own diagnosis and treatment plan!! I promised my best friend (who know me very well in cases like this) that I will be a "good girl".
The only thing at this point that I would like to suggest if they don't--is a more detailed look at my thyroid function in including a T3 and T4 level as well as a blood test to test of the anti-bodies that would continue to suggest the auto-immune nature of Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.
I DID pull put one of my favorite health guru books....Dr. Weil - Spontaneous Healing. I am a true believer in the power of the body to heal and adjust itself at many levels. I obviously need to figure out what has happened to push my immune system into overdrive or at least figure out how to balance it if possible.
Then...I need to continue to think of my kids....my son Liam has a rather sever case of Vitiligo...auto-immune disorder of the skin...often seen in Hashimoto's disease. I had his TSH tested...it was normal so nothing else was done. So I need to make sure that he get a complete Thyroid work-up and is watched from this perspective as he grows etc.
Bottom line...I feel a small amount of weight lifted off me that my initial findings did not SCREAM THYROID CANCER.....However, I am not concluding anything, because I have limited info..and I am a PICC nurse...not a Endocrinologist. Although.......
I'd rather have babies than a needle biopsy
The thyroid biopsy was not as comfortable as I thought it would be. Five NEEDLE passes ...yes it was only a 25 gauge needle--but even with the lidocaine..it hurt (and let me tell you I was relaxed..breathing well...not tight and anxious.) It felt like I was kicked in the Thyroid..a place I have never even felt before. They were able to get what they needed...a total of 10 slides for the pathologist to examine. I should hear about it tomorrow or Friday.
My summary is that I don't like being out of control in situations like ..well...medical biopsies. I much prefer natural childbirth..I was in charge of my body and I was rewarded with beautiful children. I did more Algebra in the waiting area to calm my mind and keep me on task. That was nice. I enjoy the distributive prinicple most. I like going from the start again so I can remember the very basics and how to build the ideas--this should help when I help my kids...so they will love Algebra too (hopeful).
I had a good lunch with my Mother-in-law...who actually came to the hospital with me and waited. This is a sacrifice because after her own trip with Cancer the hospital is a place she is happy to avoid. We followed up with lunch...a great salad..and I eased my distress with a nice Margarita...yes, at 11:30 in the morning. I need a little nap now. I am settled. Happy to have heard Lee's voice - he called me from Iraq to see how I was. Kind. Kids have a play date after school. This is goo because I have chosen not share any of this with them. They don't need it..and I really don't have much I can tell them...They have enough to cope with having their Dad gone for a year in at war in Iraq.
I will post more when I know more..tomorrow or the next day.
God is great...and I fell a little sore now but blessed with modern medicine and access to good health care.
My summary is that I don't like being out of control in situations like ..well...medical biopsies. I much prefer natural childbirth..I was in charge of my body and I was rewarded with beautiful children. I did more Algebra in the waiting area to calm my mind and keep me on task. That was nice. I enjoy the distributive prinicple most. I like going from the start again so I can remember the very basics and how to build the ideas--this should help when I help my kids...so they will love Algebra too (hopeful).
I had a good lunch with my Mother-in-law...who actually came to the hospital with me and waited. This is a sacrifice because after her own trip with Cancer the hospital is a place she is happy to avoid. We followed up with lunch...a great salad..and I eased my distress with a nice Margarita...yes, at 11:30 in the morning. I need a little nap now. I am settled. Happy to have heard Lee's voice - he called me from Iraq to see how I was. Kind. Kids have a play date after school. This is goo because I have chosen not share any of this with them. They don't need it..and I really don't have much I can tell them...They have enough to cope with having their Dad gone for a year in at war in Iraq.
I will post more when I know more..tomorrow or the next day.
God is great...and I fell a little sore now but blessed with modern medicine and access to good health care.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Tevye ! Biopsies. David Sedaris and dogs
The needle biopsy is tomorrow morning. No hype. It is a simple procedure and should only take a few minutes. I guess I am just hoping that they get what they need to conduct an accurate test...and set my mind at ease. All evidence points to a normal, benign, thyroid nodule. It will believe in that unless I am told otherwise. If I am told otherwise, then I will just deal with it then.
I am not sure if anyone is aware, or cares, but I am a bog fan of Fiddler on the Roof. I always have been. I headed to college with my Prince cassettes, Neil Diamond cassettes and my Fiddler on the Roof music. The play is coming to Jacksonville this month and I think---just think....I might have to go. Because....the ORIGINAL actor (Chaim Topol) is playing Tevye--again....this is amazing.
I also bought tickets to see David Sedaris on April 17th. It is a birthday present to myself. I love David Sedaris. I would love to hang with him during some particularly odd moment and banter back and forth about ..well..the odd moment. I will be hanging in the 3rd row ...eyes open wide and ears tuned for a night of entertainment.
These are things that I am doing and looking forward to as I continue to pass the time with Lee in Iraq. It is good in a way, to learn to entertain myself. I know he would actually enjoy some of these things but we would probably never think to go to them. That will be a little lesson when he returns.
Today, another day off of work. This has been a long stretch. I am picking up Rachel's boys after school because she has something to attend for Law School. Liam has chess...and then I need to take the kids to the soccer field for a little pre-season passing of the ball.
My dogs are always staring at me....like they are right now. One would think I had more control over them...the way they stare. I think I am a portal to them...if they stare me down long enough I will give them food or open the door and they can take like the wind. Dogs.
Ok..one more thing..today is Square ROOT Day...3/3/09
I am not sure if anyone is aware, or cares, but I am a bog fan of Fiddler on the Roof. I always have been. I headed to college with my Prince cassettes, Neil Diamond cassettes and my Fiddler on the Roof music. The play is coming to Jacksonville this month and I think---just think....I might have to go. Because....the ORIGINAL actor (Chaim Topol) is playing Tevye--again....this is amazing.
I also bought tickets to see David Sedaris on April 17th. It is a birthday present to myself. I love David Sedaris. I would love to hang with him during some particularly odd moment and banter back and forth about ..well..the odd moment. I will be hanging in the 3rd row ...eyes open wide and ears tuned for a night of entertainment.
These are things that I am doing and looking forward to as I continue to pass the time with Lee in Iraq. It is good in a way, to learn to entertain myself. I know he would actually enjoy some of these things but we would probably never think to go to them. That will be a little lesson when he returns.
Today, another day off of work. This has been a long stretch. I am picking up Rachel's boys after school because she has something to attend for Law School. Liam has chess...and then I need to take the kids to the soccer field for a little pre-season passing of the ball.
My dogs are always staring at me....like they are right now. One would think I had more control over them...the way they stare. I think I am a portal to them...if they stare me down long enough I will give them food or open the door and they can take like the wind. Dogs.
Ok..one more thing..today is Square ROOT Day...3/3/09
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