Entry and Exit and making choices

Last night my deployed husband and I started a dance that we do frequently. In the end I was writing a fairly depressing post. Today I am feeling much better. That is part of the dance. Since it is my friends and family reading this blog many do have insight to my situation. Some, I have not known very long so only have part of the picture. In the end, our situation is our situation and we (Lee and I) are continually trying to renegotiate emotional safety and common ground. Frequent military leave and re-entry is stressful for all military families. This always seems to be compounded for Lee and I.

A long time ago Lee wrote a blog about why he joined the Army National Guard. It is well phrased and insightful. However, it does not really discuss the home front dance during that time and beyond. Human need for acceptance and growth are fundamental and very interesting. Especially with Lee and I.

When we met we were 21 (me) and 20 (Lee). I was in my final year of College studying Biology with medical school on my mind. I was dedicated and academic. Lee was new from South Africa and had spent three month In Alaska in a tent. He was searching for adventure while keeping a forward momentum with school. He was studying Political Science and Economics which came naturally to him. I was forward and confident pursued him from the beginning. He was interested and willing and open to my excitability. He seemed to find my bold presence refreshing and my academic focus ...well...honorable ...valuable. I liked the feedback. He was a dream. Totally exotic with long hair, and accent, odd sleeping hours, lots of books, little anxiety or stress. Fascinating. Not much would phase him in these days. If he wore a watch he rarely looked at it. Anyway, for some reason we fit. He was obviously very bright and that was attractive to me. He kept appearing in places I was and was really thrilled to run into me every time.

After a year of being together nearly all the time we moved in together. We lived above a coffee shop. I had graduated from college and was working full time. He was finishing his last year. I took a ballet class in the evenings and Lee worked harder on his studies and worked for the recycling plant on campus. Lee went to Israel to study for a month. When he returned, I proposed and we were engaged. Lee graduated and we planned trip to South Africa to meet his family. We loved traveling together. We had a great time. We decided to move to Oregon and get jobs and plan a wedding for the next December when his brother and family would be able to come. We married in December of 1996 in Boise, Idaho. I had decided not to go to Medical School. I think I felt like it was too expensive and would take too long. I did not have exposure to the medical world and I did not have any connections. I could not figure out how I would make it financially if I went to medical school. I worked teaching math, English and computers at a business school. Lee took a job in an office with computers and data management that was initially a temp job but grew as people realized how bright he was. He did not have a plan or dream of what to do beyond that. He fantasized about being a river guide at times or having a business of his own. But, he did not have plans in these areas. We were a little aimless in the career area. We were settling in Oregon. We liked it there. We made a few friends. Then we were pregnant with Hazel!

So it goes like this. We had Hazel. Lee worked really hard to support us. I stayed home and put all I had into Hazel and being a Mom. I loved it. Loved it. Lee was working hard and continued to do so but he was never quite in the area he wanted to be in although he did not know exactly what he did want to do. That was tough for him and for me. I worked a little teaching computers to Russian Immigrants, but things were tight. We moved downstairs from a two bedroom to a one bedroom apartment to make ends meet. Not a big deal in those days.

When Hazel was two we were pregnant with Liam. Lee continued to do well in business although he only liked it occasionally. He was getting more responsibility and leadership opportunities and did well in those areas. Hazel started pre-school at a little Montessori down the street. We bought a townhouse. Liam was born. I started running and loved it. Lee helped with the kids so I could train for marathons, I ran 7 marathons and felt great. Lee was hiking at times and went and climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro to keep things interesting. I started talking about being able to go back to work. My Biology degree left limitted opportunities. I decided to go to Nursing school. I took the required pre-req. classes at night. Lee was excited to not have to be the sole provider. It was during this time that Lee decided he wanted to join the National Guard.

The Military interest threw me for a loop but Lee has always maintained that it was always in the back of his mind. I was very much against it. I needed him in order to go back to school. The kids were 1 and 4 and had never been in day care. Political tensions were rising and the possibilities of war were very real. I wanted a deidicated, two parent home for them. I did not want day care. Plus, financially we would not be able to afford day care. Things were tight. Anyway, I fought the military option from the start. He eventually joined up anyway, without my approval or support. He headed to basic training for his first 9 weeks away. Money became even more difficult. Military pay was a lot less than civilian pay. We were obviously strained. Lee broke his arm in Basic training and was forced to stay in Kentucky for a total of 7 months. I sold the house and decided that I HAD to go to nursing school. I moved all of our things to Florida where his parents offered to help with the kids while I went to school. When Lee returned he moved to Florida and joined the Florida National guard, found a new job in Jacksonville. Lee completed Officer Candidate School and multiple training courses over the next couple of years. Lee's mother picked up the slack of his frequent absences (a true saint). She made it possible for him to be away each year for up to 5 months while I completed my BSN and started working. The kids have always done well with her support and consistency.

The Military has become the center of Lee's world. Yes, he has a civilian job and has always done well in that area. But he basically existed there waiting for the next Military weekend, two weeks here and there, every third weekend, months away for courses. Having him away frequently has been difficult for me as a wife. That is how we got where we are- the big War time deployment. We are not like other families. I still wish that he would not be away for a year. I wish I had someone to go to soccer games and teacher meetings with. The kids have a tough time with all the times he is away. Dad has missed more birthdays and firsts over the past 6 years than he has made. But he does well in the Military and his soldiers are very fortunate. Ultimately, our kids are healthy, bright and happy.

It feels like at 35 (my age) every decision requires so much negotiating. The Military pins you down. We are unable to move, or to travel- as a family. My dreams and fantasies are benign. I am faced with choosing to be the rock for my children rather than pursue career interests like advanced degrees or positions that would require hours incompatible with raising the kids. I am responsible for making sure they do well in school, get all the support they need. I choose the schools and facilitate friends. I get them to school every day and pick them up every afternoon. It is a lot of responsibility, when you want to do it right and doing it is a solo endeavor. This is what parenting is for me. But I love it, I do. That is the frustrating aspect. I would have easily had more. A big house of kids would have been great for me. But not for my partner. Like many Mom's I struggle with my own brain, wanting to learn more and be out in the world but unwilling to sacrifice the stability of my kids. Something has to give when you are doing the majority of it on your own.

So that is where Lee and I have to struggle daily. I play victim---feel like his choices have drawn my life map for me and I don't always like the path. However, I love my husband. He is a good man. He is doing a noble job and doing it well. He has a right to choose his map. I feel slighted. I feel like the kids are slighted, especially when they cry for him and anger at me and I feel like I can not be the only parent forever. But, lots of people do it. When we have the brief entry and exits like the 2.5 days we have this weekend before Lee heads from Texas to Iraq we are pound with these feelings and history we carry with us. We carry our history with us and are often unable to enjoy the time we do have. We both feel the anxiety even before the entry occurs and it often ruins the entire occasion. Then there is regret that time was wasted.

This is what happens when you are a Military wife and you never intended to be a Military wife. Last night was tough, dancing the familiar mess of a dance and worrying about not making the best of time. Time, however, keeps moving and people keep growing and changing and learning to be present in that process is one of my greatest challenges.