Thanksgiving 2008

This is the second Thanksgiving in my life that I did not eat Turkey.

The first time was when I was a freshman in college and had decided to become vegetarian. I remember that time fondly due to the purple suede boots and overalls that I lived in. I flew to New Jersey to spend Thanksgiving with a childhood friend. We had not seen each other for over 8 years. There are not a lot of Jersey girls in the area they lived (Ramsey/Upper Saddle River) that were eating tofurkey for Thanksgiving. I think I enjoyed the contrast but I understand now how our long distance friendship melted away after that visit.

This year, it simply was just not part of the schedule. I worked today and was actually rather busy. The deal was, once we treated all the patients on the schedule and completed all the PICC line insertions we could close the infusion center. There are frequently days when we have only one or two PICC orders to fill but today was rather busy. The nurse I was working with was eager to get out of there because she had a lot of famly coming to her home in the afternoon. We kept a steady pace and when 2:00 pm rolled around I told her to go home and I would finish up the last orders. I ended up leaving around 4 pm. I called to see if the kids were home yet and they were not. I went home and walked the dogs.

Lee had called me almost frantically a couple times today. He was tired in his last message and asked me to phone him on his cell even though we both know the cost of that call is probably insane. I think we need to get calling cards. I called him after work and woke him up but he was happy to hear from me. He said the Army put together a really nice meal. He really wants to get in touch with the kids tomorrow so I hope he is able to reach them at his Mom's. They will be there tomorrow again while I am at work.

Working as a single parent feels terrible. My in-laws are amazing and dedicated and the kids love being with them. I, however, feel totally out of touch. All I can think today is "what kind of mother does not help create Thanksgiving for her children". I feel like tradition and Holidays are one of my primary roles as a parent. This year I feel like a total failure. I usually make yeast rolls from scratch and Hazel loves to help and be a part of the process. Liam and Hazel both like the smells from the kitchen and the look of the big bird. I feel sad today that I have missed this Thanksgiving with them, and with Lee and I don't want to do it again. My life feels totally torn apart with the deployment. I feel like I am drifting and unable to get grounded. I hope the whole year does not feel this way. I was thinking of how good it felt when the kids were really little to be absorbed in their schedules, naps, and meal and how easy it was for me to enjoy that schedule with Lee. We had nice evenings managing our little garden in Oregon and settling in each evening.

The next Holiday to get through is Christmas. Another Holiday I love. This weekend is when I need to get the house put together and put the tree up and decorate. I am going to try hard to pull myself together but frankly I am feeling like it is going to be difficult. Tonight I am easily finding tears, sad that my husband is about to cross into Iraq and feeling the internal fear that every day he will be at risk . Learning to not think this way is difficult. In light of massive terrorist bombings in India yesterday and the way the western world is despised I worry and fear his work. It is another time when I wonder how in the hell we got from point A (courting and marriage) to this place. It seems so crazy.

Yes, I am feeling heavy today but the kindness of others lightens me. Although I did not have Turkey today I have done a pretty good job on a fabulous pumpkin pie my neighbors brought me last night. My neighbor makes crust like my Aunt Alyce which is hard to describe but it unbelievable. I have enjoyed the pie today and the freedom to eat it for my dinner! Hazel spent the night last night with our other friends who invited me around to eat tonight. However, the little dog rolled in armadillo poop when we went ot see the kids and I had to come home to clean him. I am hankful for all the people who have made the day wonderful for my kids and I. I am thankful for the opportunity to take care of the sick people I took care of today. I am thankful for the few minutes I had with my husband on the phone today. And now...I will just look forward to a big meal that I will cook in 2009!!