Lee came home on pass. He will be back next October.

Lee came home for a couple of days prior to actually deploying out of the country later this week. It was good. It as hard. It felt like saying good-bye forever. It was very emotional for Lee and I. I think we were often gripping hands and touching shoulders as if the "ship was sinking". In retrospect, it was nice to know the extent of love when the ship is sinking.

Liam has basically shut down emotionally. I know he and Lee shared tears when Lee dropped him off at school yesterday morning. Now, I cannot even get eye contact with Liam. He is distracted and distant and more "otherwise" than usual. Hazel continues to be focused on school but is easily irritated and upset at my lack of focus on her. She is trying very hard to pull me in and tell me every detail of every moment of her day. I frankly, have not been a great listener. I hope my emotional focus returns soon.

Lee missed a connecting flight on his way back to base. Of course, he was in the bar with a few other soldiers. I really came down on him for this. My feeling is ...hey, you are 34 years old. You are sacrificing your time and dedication to your family to do this Army thing. We are doing everything that is asked us us to support you--sacrificing left and right so that you are able to be a soldier. So, you had better take it seriously. You had better be the best you can be. Missing your flight while drinking with soldiers you are supposed to be taking care of does not fit the bill. I know leaving yesterday was tough for him--but to shut it out and just move on in that way felt very disrespectful. Anyway, I ended up getting at him via text messages and now he has totally shut down. We probably won't hear from him for a few days. Hopefully, when we do, he will be working hard preparing to keep he and his soldiers safe and effective in their travels.

Back at home. I feel lost. Don't know what to do next. I just sit and struggle for the next stage of the day. I have a million things that need sorted out...Hazel's Ballet studio change, Thanksgiving, Christmas, dog grooming, dental appointments and bills. The kids have science night at school tonight. I have papers to grade for Hazel's class. The dogs are full of energy and need a good, long walk. I promised myself that I would go to the YMCA and exercise today. This is how it gets for me in these transitions. It takes a couple of days. I am still crying on demand; trying to pull myself together.

I hope my husband comes back in one piece. I hope he does not loose his mind. I hope he is still the husband and father that we knew yesterday when he left. This is what being Iraq is like for a normal American family. I wonder how many Americans really understand what this is like?