ZUMBA and other wonderings.

Yesterday my friend and I tried out another exercise class at the YMCA. ZUMBA! It is Latin dance inspired and the class tries to feel like you are at a party not a fitness class. Anyway, we had a blast although we were a total mess. It was very difficult and VERY fast. The room was full, the lights were down and the pace was incredible. I probably missed half the steps and was still sweating like crazy. The loud music made it so you could barely hear the instructor and since I carefully placed myself in the back (because obviously I had no business in the front) I could only see her at times. I took to following some your thing in the middle who probably does this on the side when she is not at her regular classes with the NYC Ballet. I mean REALLY---she had legs that wouldn't quit and never missed a step. We had fun. I think I am going to go back again tonight to the evening class.

I took Liam to the doctor yesterday because he has a cough that has been around for nearly 2 months. He does not have asthma and never had a cold associated with this cough. I thought he should we should have it checked out. Lungs were clear, one nostril a bit "boggy" is what she found on assessment. So it is either allergies or possibly PERTUSSIS. What? I thought that was something we vaccinate. Apparently it was the DtAP but it has changes etc.etc. and she has seen quite a lot of pertussis this fall. Interesting. Apparently this would be a 100 day cough type thing. Anyway, the treatment would be a Z-Pack so we went that route because if it was some other bacterial issue this would take care of it. Z-Pack it is.

At the doctor I also briefly discussed his weight loss this fall. She was not worried because he had jumped to the 97th Percentile when he is usually in the 85th so the weight loss brings him back to where he has been historically. However, after the appt. Lee phoned from Iraq and Liam was able to speak with him. Great. But after he talked to him he had a stomach ache, nausea, loss of appetite that continued into the night. He was sleepy and lethargic and was falling asleep in a chair in Target and then did fall asleep in the truck on the way home. He did not eat and would not eat anything after school and last night and sat holding his stomach at Hazel's Holiday show at school.

I have a situation where my son is very possibly experiencing sadness and anxiety due to Lee's deployment. I have him home today. I need to help him but have already tried so many different approaches, distraction, talking, extras attention. He feels this discomfort in his stomach....like a knot. Breaks my heart. He has an empty place.

I work this weekend again. Hazel has another birthday sleep over. Liam will be with his Nana helping get ready for the cousins that arrive late Monday. He is really excited and I hope having family around will lighten his load. I am sure it will.

I received an e-mail from Lee saying that he has Internet now. I am anxious to see if it is really true and if the connection is good enough to skype. It has been a long couple of weeks with the limited contact. We are not good on the phone.

I have felt my resentment surface again and find myself questioning the details of my situation. Why do I have to be the one who always sacrifices? Why would someone who loves me make choices that are for my good or that of the family? Post-deployment, will Lee become more dedicated to the Army after this experience? Is this the rest of my life? Will I always be the one in charge of the emotional security and consistency of the children. How many more times will I have to live like this? With the loneliness and uncertainty. Live with the fear. Will my friends always think that I am crazy to continue to do this? Will my kids feel their Dad made choices to abandon them because he was bored at home and wanted something more exciting in his life? -----Anyway, when I go down this path I usually pop a couple of rotten e-mails Lee's way (I did). this time I sent one refuting the claim that the deployment would be a a great thing for us financially that we would make a lot of extra money and we could pay off various debts so that we could finally buy a HOUSE with a yard so the dogs can go outside and I do not have to walk them 4 times a day. Hazel can possibly have her own bathroom. When the fact is, we pay are and it looks like will continue to make at least 600 less and although we do not have his car payment we do have extra life insurance to pay for, his Internet connection, after school care for the kids etc....so really it all balances out. I mean, in the current times I am grateful that we have pay checks and jobs, but I feel like once again this Army thing does nothing for our family in terms of our plans, living arrangements, financial security etc. So I sent the e-mail. He gets mad. He tells me, "Okay Nicole, you win, now let it go." And that is where I find us. Frustrating and sad. When we talk on the phone hours later all I can say is I love you and be safe because I really never know what his day will bring. I don't think he believes me and he is probably thinking that my blaming will never change and I will never really understand him and when he gets home he may have to finally call it quits so he can find someone who REALLY understand him and supports his dreams and goals. Then, that freaks me out, I cave and then I realize that my own goals (my what....who do I want to be....) will have to be meshed with the sacrifice of marriage and (as my good friend councils me) this is God's plan. Marriage is the ultimate test of sacrifice for the good of marriage and family. Learning to get outside of yourself and be a wife is God's great design (she never said I should sacrifice myself exactly but it sounded like that...).

So in the end I guess I will pray for clarity and guidance and safety and security for my family as individuals and as a unit so it can survive.

Then...in my head comes how Hazel has requested these certain earrings for Christmas ....the first "Name Brand" item she has ever requested. They are Tarantino and made of crystal and beautiful but shocking that she thinks she needs these. She is growing up so fast.

Liam...who I kept home is now making me play him a game of chess. Sigh....