Coming home

Lee returns home tomorrow. The kids are excited and showing signs of "relief".

Liam came down with the swine flu last weekend and has been home with me all week. Hazel and I have avoided catching the flu thus far. Crossing our fingers.

I am a bit speechless. It feels like a wave of strange feelings with Lee coming home. I am so happy to have him on safe soil. His life is still very different from ours. He continues to have huge amount of time to hang out and work out as he goes through the demobilization process. The good thing is that he has had a few days to get his time clock adjusted. It will feel very strange to have him at home and to figure out where his place is in the current family routine. Tread lightly.....I say. It will be very nice to have some where to tuck my cold feet at night.

So...the menu for the return..includes a Leg of Lamb...sides...or course....and Chimey. The idea of cooking as a family is one of my favorite thoughts. We have eaten very simply with Lee gone and welcome his influence!

Friday, Lee's parents leave for a long Holiday in Africa and England. Fortunately, they will have the opportunity to see him return on Thursday -- as parents that should settle their heart and mind to have him home safe and happy. I can not say enough about the absolute saint that Lee's Mom has been during this year. She has been the second parent. The kids have fared so well this year and a huge part of that is the stability and support of Lee's Mom. Now it is her turn to travel and live a little free.

I welcome the next season for all of us.

Working through the month of June

It feels like YEARS since I have seen Lee. It was wonderful to have him in April for the two weeks that he was able to visit for R and R but it sure makes this second 6 months feel endless. Lee is busy and less "freaked out" about home not being here when he gets back. That is good, but it also means that I hear from him less and he seems to have less to say. This makes me sad.

Then, I wonder, to all the people who are big advocates and supporters of what Lee is doing in Iraq (because I am grateful for the support) -- I wonder if they could even IMAGINE what it must be like for small children, like ours, to be completely without a father for an entire YEAR? I wonder what it would be like for them if you took their rock...their primary comfort and took it away for a year? ---Our kids are okay...doing well...but they are different without their Dad. They are different kids now.

Hazel is sick...fever and very tired for three days now. She is scheduled to leave for Wash. DC on Sunday so I need to take her to the doctor tomorrow to make sure it is just a virus and nothing more.

Liam refuses organized activities and threw a mini tantrum when he had to go with us to one of Hazel's friend's ballet recitals this weekend. That was a strange and crazy burst of anger in my boy. However, he is content, building a MASSIVE Lego operation in the bedroom and wearing is boxers and a t-shirt for about 18 hours a day. He is looking forward to his trip to Lego land, CA with his Nana in a couple weeks.

Me, well, I bought a Harmonica and am trying to learn some basics. I am impatient. Running is going ..okay...but I am not hitting every scheduled run. The heat is unbearable and I am running alone. The early am runs are nearly impossible because I worry about leaving the kids home alone. So, I don't.

Headed to NC to work the Summer Camp in about 10 days. I am still looking for arrangements for the two dogs, two fish and cat. Sigh....

First training run for Marine Corp Marathon-Oct. 25

It was a run that was not coordinated with the "Kristin Kicks Cancer" group I have joined.

It was not "pretty".

It could have been better, but it could have been a whole lot worse.

I made use of my fancy ipod Nano----although I have never been into listening to music while running......and do not like things in my ears. However, I downloaded a couple pod casts and felt very tech savy. I listened to "This American Life" for the entire run and found that great to keep my mind off the fact that I was running. The kids ran the last mile with me and put forth a few drops of sweat to help me out. Thanks kids.

Irene, Lee, and things that are apparently on my mind today

Part One - Irene

My "Grandma Irene" passed away last summer on July 10th. When she went in to the Hospital and we decided to call in Hospice. I was working in North Carolina as the nurse for Hazel's summer camp. It was a tough week trying to find a way to get back to her and to be with my Mom and sister as they helped care for her in her final days.

You see, I loved Irene more than anyone else I have ever loved.

I was finally able to arrange a way to get back to Boise from the mountains of North Carolina. The last couple of days of camp would be covered by other staff. I was frantic that day, driving through the mountains to get to Atlanta to an amazingly expensive direct flight.

I had very limited cell reception in the mountains and I had (of course) run over my cell phone in recent days. This made calling people a bit of a mystery...scroll down, dial, and wonder who might answer. I tried to picture my alphabetical list and count the number of names down. I was trying to call my sister because I knew she was at Irene's and I felt that my chances of making it home on time to bid her farewell were fading. As I rounded a bend I had 2 of 5 bars on the phone...then I would round another bend and have nothing. I took a chance on one bend and counted down something like 12 names and was amazed when Kelli answered the phone.

"How is she, I said." I could hear the whispers of family in her room. Kelli said she was comfortable and gave me the run down from the night. There was this feeling during the week that Irene was holding out. Even if it was an illusion and part of her dying process I felt an emotional pull to the idea that she, too, wanted a final farewell with me. I told Kelli that although I was trying very hard to make it to her by the evening I needed her to know that it was okay for her to go if she was ready. I was telling Kelli this when Kelli interrupted and said, "Nicci, she is getting very quiet, I think she is going." I asked her to put the phone to her for me. "Grandma, Nicci here, I love you," I said through the cell which had miraculously maintained coverage for the 3 or 4 minutes. Then Kelli choked back and got back on the phone and told me she was gone. Just like that. I pulled over to the side of the dewy mountain road, tears blurring my vision, my life and everything I understood about it fading right before my eyes.

Irene's life was profound in that I had some tie to it that made me understand existence and with her now fading into her own eternity I felt my self concept slip away. I could feel myself trying to hold on and follow her so that I did not end up and empty shell of a being. Then the cell reception went away and never returned until I arrived at the airport in Atlanta.

I pulled myself together and felt relief for Irene. Soggy sadness washed over me. It was very lonely, the death of Irene. It was a profoundly isolating experience. Just me and my God and the feeling that I knew life would never be the same again. In many ways I felt a bit of relief that Irene was unaware of my failing marriage and left with sweet memories of better days. My kids and I had visited her over the years and she felt their love. Yes, life would be good and wonderful but it was changing. It transformed in the space of 2 minutes. I pictured her peaceful escape from her body and her loss of memory and her worries about money and burdens.

I made it back to Boise. I was able to be with my family. I was able to say good-bye to her cold shell that was home for so many years. That was a sweet, smiling time for me as I remembered being curled in her arms with her humming, the jostling of her large key ring, the way she twirled my hair and laughed at misunderstandings.

As we prepared for the the details of cremation and burial we had the responsibility to do earthly things like eat, figure out what to wear to the funeral and to clean out her room at the little house that cared for her.

When I walked into her room I felt a massive (I mean MASSIVE) wave of Irene flood me. There was her smell and her belongings. I remembered my last visit with her and how confused she was and how I just crawled up into her twin bed with her and became the back of the spoon. I began putting her belongings in to boxes but when I opened her closet her shoes greeted me. The black, lace up shoes that she had worn recently. The little white socks had been pushed into each shoe as she took them off. Of course she had the absent minded intent of getting one more day of wear out of the socks. She would have said because, "I don't go much anymore." The shoes rocked me and have become the center of the pain and loss I felt for Irene. When I think of her (and I do often) I think of those shoes and how I struggled to let them go. My family was sweet and understanding but had to convince me that keeping her shoes and socks in memoriam was not practical.
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Part 2 - Lee

When Lee left from this two week vacation it became rather quiet around here. Of course Liam has had the usual adjustment he has whenever Lee leaves. During this time he cannot express his feeling of sadness or loss and becomes irritable, inappropriate and angry.

I have become very familiar with this response over the past 6 years of service. I see it a few times each year when Lee leaves. However, it still rocks my world and frustrates me. I am such a vocal person and so inherently outward with my feelings - the boy makes me tilt my head and pinch my eyes. After a few days his outlook had and when he left the house in costume for "the vocabulary day parade" I felt like we were on the verge of normalcy.

Lee is missing us with grand emotion. I feel his upset and desperation in each contact. I settled in and read a few thousand pages in a book series not noticing that I was probably escaping this little loss. However, it hits me, like Irene's loss hit me when I get to the bottom of the laundry pile and smell Lee in shorts and shirt he wore prior to leaving. It is the reminder of a physical presence that is no longer here. And although Lee will return, in October, it forces me to postulate the way in which my own concept of self in tied to my physical surroundings. It is tied to the people and things I can touch and interact with; because in the end these are the only things that are real.
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Part 3 - Me, myself and I

How self indulgent writing can me. "Enough about me, let me talk about ME -- a little more."
These are the things that have come up in my head today as I try to figure out the hint of deployment/Army irritation that still lingers. In the end it is just me and my shell and I understand that about life. But the human experience and the way that we interact and choose spouses and friends and how to relate and how to BE is profound and quite confusing to me.

Elizabeth Edwards was talking about forgiving her husband and she says that she has, but that her concept of the "beautiful, perfect, marriage" she was a part of has been changed and taken from her. She is mourning the loss of that concept and the fact that she will never have that again. It will be a different reality, but it will be okay.

PTA duties, educating the babes, and the arranged marriage

Ok...so...I have learned over the years that I am not a good organizer of large activities. I should always be a co-rep and never the primary. I procrastinate. I do not like to ask for things. I do not like to pester people. I prefer e-mail to the phone. And did I say---I procrastinate?

Next week I am the dedicated organizer of Field Day at the school. I am a member of the PTA board and took the position thinking...no problem...one event and it is at the end of the year. By then, I will be used to Lee being gone and it will be fine.

There are nearly 1200 kids at the school. The Coach has organized the activity stations (thank God)--but I am in charge of the water table, first aid station, time-out area, and a Freeze-ice for each child as they finish their activity. I have $200 PTA dollars and I need to get my own volunteers to help. So far, I have lists for up to 60 volunteers. How many do I have......8. I am running this thing next Mon, Tues and Wed in two sessions a day. I have to keep the Popsicles frozen so Publix has them special for me in a big deep freeze. So 20 minutes before the end of each session I have to pick them up....bring them over....and get the tops cut off for the kids to eat---while frozen.

Tomorrow is Thursday. I guess I need to start making calls for volunteers. I HATE the phone. I really do. I need posters..a.nd 1500 water cups and lots of ice and 10 pairs of scissors and trash cans. I need these things to happen.

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On a lighter note. Lee is heading home in about one week. It is like an arranged marriage----like I have never seen him in all the 14 years we have been together. It is like meeting him for the first time, except I know what whiskey he wants me to buy. The kids do not know the exact day and I don't really yet either. But we are excited.

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Hazel got into the Magnet Program of her first choice and will be at Julia Landon College Prep next year (how can you college prep in 6th grade...more like Puberty Prep...101---but for gifted kids and I am sure puberty is very different if you are gifted????) --she is thrilled and I am trying trying to figure out the daily transportation arrangements because this school is downtown. It starts at 7:30 am and gets out at 2:30 (what kind of hours are those for a teenager?)

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Liam will also be going to a new school. It is a good year for change. He spent the day at Hendricks Day School today. He had a really good day. I liked what I saw. He was also excepted and it looks like he will get a McKay Scholarship so we won't be living on the streets--unless gas prices go back up that is.

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I had a work related dinner tonight --a pharmaceutical company event. The food was good but trying to come up with ways to pike holes in the statistics and trials etc was way more fun. I miss statistics and research and common sense with those topics. I would have liked being a physician I think. Not that they do much of what I was doing---but they should. they should read more and more to help make treatment decisions. I would. And I would always remove the spleen of my lymphoma patients----I would do that.

Here it comes again.....

April is in full swing. Swinging right before my very eyes. Next week my personal clock will turn to 36. Third row seats to David Sedaris on the eve of my birthday!! So excited.

I have a handsome and clever son sitting behind me with tears in his eyes as he watches Totoro.

I have a charming and and brilliant daughter sound asleep in my bed waiting for me to take her (PLEASE) to the bookstore in the morning....n...e...e..d...more..b-o-o-k-s.

My husband is still in Iraq although he is due to come back to us for a two week R/R in the near future. He is eager to be part of this family and part of my life it seems.

Today, at work, I completed another day - noting along the way my willingness to work while craving other populations.

Registered for the Marine Corp Marathon in Washington D.C. I will be making it happen on October 25th is support of Kristin Kettle - a young woman with amazing courage and insight to life. I hardly know her but have joined a group of hers to train and run the marathon--I feel honored and welcome. This is an awesome responsibility.

Easter, sunny days, and prospects for more pleasant days. I think I need to go listen to some Irish at the pub ...very soon.

Big black nervous dog got after little white alpha dog this week and left a smallish hole in his ear----shame.

Deployment and marriage and the slightly preachy/too much information post

There is a lot of information regarding the effects of Military Deployment on marriage. I recently read a headline about the skyrocketing frequency of divorce within the ranks. This does not surprise me and certainly concerned me as Lee deployed last October. I had good reason to be concerned. These numbers likely included the marriages that were rather solid going into deployment. Lee and I were about two freeway exits from a divorce, possibly closer. It had been a difficult few years and it felt very possible that the deployment was simply a door opening that would allow us both to actually move on and not continue to sit with the indecisive nature of "should I stay or should I go". So, in a way, I was looking forward to the breathing room of deployment and hoping to settle my routine without the stress of our failing marriage riding on my back.

Prior to deployment, the military sent us on a paid weekend couples retreat. I was skeptical because I usually shun all things military. I usually find the company to be rather simple and the content to be oppressive. I really did not feel like sitting through a weekend of "stand by your man". However, Lee made a concerted effort to organize the weekend and after nearly 12 years of complaining about him NOT doing this I would be truly nasty to to welcome it and give it my best. The weekend was well run. The resort in Orlando was very nice. Lee and I were tense and not quite sure how to operate in the class sessions but the sessions were informative and the books the class was based on were good. I was able to keep my head down and do the read and highlight game like when I was in school. This was a comfortable place for me. We both enjoyed hanging out although making plans together showed how distant we had become. On the final day we did a spa session with joint pedicures. I found that entertaining to see Lee in the spa and was comforted by his willingness to participate. We went back home on even ground.

That lead us to the safe weekend we had prior to deployment. The one where all the fears of dying in war and leaving things left unsaid become the focus. This was a great weekend. There was too much energy being spent on the fears of death to muster up accusations and heartache. We tearfully held on at the airport, a feeling very foreign to our marriage.

It has been five and a half months since Lee left. The distance has pushed personal boundaries for both Lee and I. We have become comically close with the texting feature of the long distance marriage. It is a little like have 3 beers on board most of the time. There is a subtle freedom to not having to look each other in the eye. Body language interpretations and misinterpretations are non-existent. Sometimes we will be chatting via text and Lee will ask if I want him to call with the video feature---I usually say "NO". He laughs acknowledging my new comfort with not having to be face to face. The most profound change with the distance is our ability to look big picture. The "should I stay or should I go" started to feel like baggage. It came down to complete and utter honesty about everything that was or could have been hurtful in the marriage. This followed with more break it down and cut it up and then followed with waves of regret for wasted time. Then we woke up and felt like we had chewed up the past for dinner and felt ready to take the next day on. I do not know it this would have been possible without the distance of the deployment. I am sure Lee does not think it would have been.

I have strong feelings about the situations that have shaped our current world. The fact that Lee is even in the military still astounds me. I do feel cycles of resentment. But I also have to laugh at the way we have both devoured the self-help section of Amazon.com. I mean really, no wonder we get spam. The language we speak is changing. I don't want to say that everything is better and I am grateful for the deployment exactly. I cannot breathe total optimism because Lee and I are only part of the deployment sacrifice. The difficulty of separation on the kids and the manner in which being the single Mom has tested my parenting skills is a real thorn in the family function. More things need fixing around here.

In our case, the case of a troubled marriage forced into deployment, we are driving on the highway toward something closer rather than racing in separate directions. There is a certain sense of the magnitude of possibilities for us as a couple if we can welcome change and a new situation in our home. I do not suggest any "applause" or "good for you two". This life is still up in the air. I simply wanted to share with the people who know us and love us the fact that what will become here might be different from what you know. I am the wordy one on this slate but the willingness to expel demons and become a vocal advocate for the marriage is Lee's doing. Lee wants to talk and had ideas on this life and his role. He has ideas and contemplations on the family and the various parts. He is "eyes open and on fire" for the patterns and roles he has played. It will be interesting to watch Lee come back to this earth loaded with the language and feelings of a changed man.

I remember seeing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a given for Lee. Knowing that amount of mental energy Lee spend on survival thought patterns even while sleeping safely in his own bed I was anticipating a storm of brain flood when he had to live it daily for a year. At he current time, the fear and anxiety in Lee has faded and the humor and livability of his are beginning to glow.

Me? I still have so much work to do. I still need to learn to speak and stand in a room without twitching and irrational irritation. It can be daunting. But, I am living truth and that is really, really great. It is a foreign place for me.

Second part of post.....
KNOW YOUR THYROID...LOVE IT AND RESPECT ITS POWER
I am giving my body what my thyroid could not...and I am grateful for my Dr. (again and again) for his comprehensive exam and thorough response. I am feeling good. I feel a little better each day.

Christmas lights, time change and vacation anticipation

I decided to take down the final string of Christmas lights this morning. I found it rather funny. I tried to come up with a justification to keep them ( a multicolored string around the top of the Florida Room). However, I couldn't. I like lights outside...but I will have to get some white patio lights or even better some flamingo patio lights. Oh how cool I could be!



I worked the weekend. It was all fine and the kids had a busy time with their Nana and various friends. Today I am back up to the Mayo for a few more blood tests so that when I see the Endocrinologist tomorrow she will have what she needs to sink her teeth into this thyroid issue. Typical of me, I have rad about thirty research articles from common to obscure in the field of thyroid issues and current diagnosis and research in the area. I like research. I always have. I find the statistics interesting. I enjoy study details such as population randomness and statistical significance. I also like comparing the research to current practice guidelines. It is amazing how long it can take for proven research to reach the mainstream.



I get a little lost in the minutia. I am currently hung up on the TSH reference ranges that the Mayo Clinic is using. I like to think that Mayo is cutting edge (and it is in many areas) my it seems to be about 3 years behind in TSH reference ranges. I hope I don't get kicked out of the Clinic when I bring this up tomorrow....with my folder of highlighted research I carry around. I may be the most annoying patient that comes through. I hope not. I see it as being realistic about the health care system and limitations on what one physician can do in ONE appt. I figure it is helpful to be prepared with my input...lay it out there..and let them work through it with all their experience.



I work a couple days this week as well. Hazel has her FCAT tests this week. She is really bothered about how morning feels after the time change. I told her she should find something better to get MAD about. Being MAD at the time change truly is....well.....a waste of time. She gave me a VERY pre-teen look of irritation. I had to laugh.



Liam is missing his Dad...another round of big "Daddy missing". It comes and goes in waves. Last night he was upset because he never has anything to talk to Lee about on the phone. Thus, he really does not have contact with him. It has been a couple months since Liam sat and chatted with Lee.....I think. Anyway..they are both "doers" my boys. So I suggested Lee work out how to play chess online with Liam....they had looked into that at one point. That is all I can come up with to make Liam feel like he has a connection with him.



I am counting the days until Spring Break. My friends Denise and Kelly are going to be joining the kids and I for a few days at the beach in Daytona. A few days of total beach immersion is exactly what we all need.

Biopsy Results-well kind of...

The unofficial biopsy results are from the 10 slides created...(all info is unofficial because I just looked up the pathologists one line read of the slides....I have NOT spoken with a doctor ...yet have spent the entire afternoon and evening working up the details of my own diagnosis).

---it said.....Lymphocytic thyroiditis....there was a comment about the cell spacing but I can't remember the exact words.


I was NOT surprised to discover that this is the same thing as Hashimoto's Thyroiditis....
I will not go into details...but I have been tested for Hypothyroidism at LEAST 6 times since the age of 21. Testing the TSH was the only test ever completed...and when that was within normal range I was always pushed in another direction. So I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy and treated for 10 years...for extreme fatigue...idiopathic hypersomnia. As things continued and I had a two kids the fatigue was often worse and depression settled in....so the diagnoses was changed by my psychiatrist--a few of them....to Depression with possible bi-polar tendencies --oh yes and ADHD to explain the foggy head and inability to concentrate (this was tough because I did not have these symptoms as a child and was always a great student and well behaved). Also...as an adult I cope very well...I just nap...well frequently. I call it "taking to bed" --just for an hour or so...on all days I do not work. Also, I am known to leave a ADHD level of chaos in my life...in my house...car..anywhere that I function. BUT...give me a break I always say...my Husband has been very absent for years and is currently in Iraq for a year. My kids come first, and I work hard at work...kids and job are all going well.

I really do not know what all this means yet. I have two sisters with thyroid issues and psych histories of mood disorders...my one sister that actually had Thyroid Cancer noted that once the Thyroid was removed all of her mood issues and need for medications to manage these issues --disappeared. My other sister is hypo-thyroid but has never had a biopsy and I do not know if there is a specific diagnosis associated with her hypothyroid disease.

So, if these cells do lead me down this direction...well..I would not be surprised. I am leaving room for the Mayo Clinic to work their magic and truly evaluate this situation. I have decided NOT to walk in with my own diagnosis and treatment plan!! I promised my best friend (who know me very well in cases like this) that I will be a "good girl".

The only thing at this point that I would like to suggest if they don't--is a more detailed look at my thyroid function in including a T3 and T4 level as well as a blood test to test of the anti-bodies that would continue to suggest the auto-immune nature of Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.

I DID pull put one of my favorite health guru books....Dr. Weil - Spontaneous Healing. I am a true believer in the power of the body to heal and adjust itself at many levels. I obviously need to figure out what has happened to push my immune system into overdrive or at least figure out how to balance it if possible.

Then...I need to continue to think of my kids....my son Liam has a rather sever case of Vitiligo...auto-immune disorder of the skin...often seen in Hashimoto's disease. I had his TSH tested...it was normal so nothing else was done. So I need to make sure that he get a complete Thyroid work-up and is watched from this perspective as he grows etc.

Bottom line...I feel a small amount of weight lifted off me that my initial findings did not SCREAM THYROID CANCER.....However, I am not concluding anything, because I have limited info..and I am a PICC nurse...not a Endocrinologist. Although.......

I'd rather have babies than a needle biopsy

The thyroid biopsy was not as comfortable as I thought it would be. Five NEEDLE passes ...yes it was only a 25 gauge needle--but even with the lidocaine..it hurt (and let me tell you I was relaxed..breathing well...not tight and anxious.) It felt like I was kicked in the Thyroid..a place I have never even felt before. They were able to get what they needed...a total of 10 slides for the pathologist to examine. I should hear about it tomorrow or Friday.

My summary is that I don't like being out of control in situations like ..well...medical biopsies. I much prefer natural childbirth..I was in charge of my body and I was rewarded with beautiful children. I did more Algebra in the waiting area to calm my mind and keep me on task. That was nice. I enjoy the distributive prinicple most. I like going from the start again so I can remember the very basics and how to build the ideas--this should help when I help my kids...so they will love Algebra too (hopeful).

I had a good lunch with my Mother-in-law...who actually came to the hospital with me and waited. This is a sacrifice because after her own trip with Cancer the hospital is a place she is happy to avoid. We followed up with lunch...a great salad..and I eased my distress with a nice Margarita...yes, at 11:30 in the morning. I need a little nap now. I am settled. Happy to have heard Lee's voice - he called me from Iraq to see how I was. Kind. Kids have a play date after school. This is goo because I have chosen not share any of this with them. They don't need it..and I really don't have much I can tell them...They have enough to cope with having their Dad gone for a year in at war in Iraq.

I will post more when I know more..tomorrow or the next day.

God is great...and I fell a little sore now but blessed with modern medicine and access to good health care.

Tevye ! Biopsies. David Sedaris and dogs

The needle biopsy is tomorrow morning. No hype. It is a simple procedure and should only take a few minutes. I guess I am just hoping that they get what they need to conduct an accurate test...and set my mind at ease. All evidence points to a normal, benign, thyroid nodule. It will believe in that unless I am told otherwise. If I am told otherwise, then I will just deal with it then.

I am not sure if anyone is aware, or cares, but I am a bog fan of Fiddler on the Roof. I always have been. I headed to college with my Prince cassettes, Neil Diamond cassettes and my Fiddler on the Roof music. The play is coming to Jacksonville this month and I think---just think....I might have to go. Because....the ORIGINAL actor (Chaim Topol) is playing Tevye--again....this is amazing.

I also bought tickets to see David Sedaris on April 17th. It is a birthday present to myself. I love David Sedaris. I would love to hang with him during some particularly odd moment and banter back and forth about ..well..the odd moment. I will be hanging in the 3rd row ...eyes open wide and ears tuned for a night of entertainment.

These are things that I am doing and looking forward to as I continue to pass the time with Lee in Iraq. It is good in a way, to learn to entertain myself. I know he would actually enjoy some of these things but we would probably never think to go to them. That will be a little lesson when he returns.

Today, another day off of work. This has been a long stretch. I am picking up Rachel's boys after school because she has something to attend for Law School. Liam has chess...and then I need to take the kids to the soccer field for a little pre-season passing of the ball.

My dogs are always staring at me....like they are right now. One would think I had more control over them...the way they stare. I think I am a portal to them...if they stare me down long enough I will give them food or open the door and they can take like the wind. Dogs.

Ok..one more thing..today is Square ROOT Day...3/3/09

Needle Biopsy in the works--best Radiologist hunting

My Doctor paged me at work. I thought this was kind. He was not bothered that I had read the reports already. He wants be to have the largest nodule explored with a Fine Needle Biopsy. Ok. He says it is just because of my family history. I agree and am scheduled for next Wednesday in the morning. After speaking to him I went to the US and Radiology department to scope out the schedule and see if any of the nurses had strong feelings for or against who should do the biopsy. They were fairly neutral with one or two "no way" - mostly due to personality issues.

I worked really hard today. I think we had 13 PICC orders...so I am tired...kids went to bed crying about various injustices. The good news is that I am off until for 8 or 9 days. Cool.

Thyroid Nodules..AGE- 36 is inching up on me..

Two days ago I went for my yearly physical. I go to the Mayo Clinic because I work here and because the exams are always the most thorough. Also, everything is electronic so it is easy to see trends and changes over time. This is my third year as a patient. I have never had any issues but once did have a US and Mammogram after a very small breast lump was found (it was just a small cyst and eventually went away).

This time my Doctor was able to palpate (feel) my thyroid on examination. Usually you are not able to palpate it. My oldest sister (half-sister, same Mom) had Thyroid Cancer and then a few years later had Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma (note: she is good now..). I also have an Aunt on my Dad's side who had Thyroid cancer. My other sister (half-sister, same Mom) has been hypothyroid for a few years as well.

So, based on examination he said he would usually just follow up the thyroid in 6 months or a year but because of family history he wanted me to have an Ultrasound. Ok, I can do that. So yesterday I had the neck ultrasound. I was enjoying the cool gel and probe sliding on my neck (like a mini massage) so it did not stress me. I felt and feel grateful that he took the time to actually check my thyroid ...I have had many, many physicals (not at Mayo) that have never checked the thyroid the old fashioned way. He also ordered my usual lab tests and, as always, included a TSH level. TSH levels vary within a range. Abnormal results can indicate Hypothyroidism (high TSH levels) or Hyperthyroidism (low TSH levels). Interesting that one sister is HYPOthyroid...but the other presented as HYPERthyroid when she has thyroid cancer.

Today I am at work. Electronic records can haunt you when they are at your fingertips. Of course I looked up my results. I know that I am not allowed to look up any one Else's results, not even my spouses, and I have and would never do that. But, these are MINE. So--labs look pretty good...everything normal. I did note, however, that my TSH is trending up- but it is still normal. The Ultrasound results were also written up. There are three nodules on my thyroid..all under a centimeter in size. From what I can pull from the report they are probably benign cysts of some sort. The good thing is my actual thyroid (made of two lobes) is symmetrical and considered normal.

I have been waiting to today for a call from my doctor to see what he thinks about the two tests. He may consider a fine needle aspiration of one of the nodules (if it is a cyst) to send part of it to the lab to see the the cells are like. Or, he may use this as a baseline exam and simply follow it up in 6 months or a year.

I, of course, am now trying to understand what my thyroid is telling me. Maybe it does not like cookie dough? Lord knows I have had my share of cookie dough this year. Maybe it wants my husband to come home from Iraq (he will come home in about ..oh..SEVEN more months). Maybe my thyroid is telling me that although buying new running shoes, heart rate monitors, and lap timers is fun...they really work best if you RUN in them. I think it is telling me that. Maybe my thyroid is irritated that it has been ignored for almost 36 years--OK..OK..I hear you...I will give you some love.

"Dear thyroid: - I do appreciate your subtle powers and the essential roles you play in my health. I promise I will be more conscious and treat you better. Your human, Nicole"

Thank you to my doctor one again for providing a top of the line physical assessment!

Cryptic communications and sitters who play piano

There is no glory here--only patience and understanding. I find that my position requires skills that I do not have and must acquire, quickly. If I cannot forgive, then my path of injury will be compounded. At least, this is how I see it. The funny thing is, I came here with innocent notions of life and love and two spoons that fit very easily.

I know that this is all very cryptic to the outsider. There are some things that are not worthy of the public but I hope to share this time in some way with those who care about me. Those that care about me and Lee. Maybe these are the people that were at our wedding. Possibly the onlookers who saw us climb into the carriage that night, trailing sound of bagpipes at out back. Maybe the reader who barely knows me now. The reader that recalls knowing me and is relieved to hear that other people in this world (namely, Lee and I) are also thrown to the vices of the world. We have been fed to the dogs.

Lee has been gone for 5 months. This is approaching the longest separation. Although I think basic training was seven months and fewer available lines of communication. This is really difficult. Have I mentioned how I wish I could grab Lee...and this marriage...and stick it in my pocket. It could be a piece of lint, or a lost coin. I would really like that.

So, today was good. More dog training with Ace. Walked the dogs to the park and invited the chaos of a public park. We took the dogs through tunnels and down the slides and exposed them to many experiences to remind them that I AM THE ALPHA. I am trying very hard...and we are making some progress.

The kids both had late nights last night and play dates this afternoon--so Hazel is curled up on the couch reading "Are you there God it's me Margaret" and Liam is playing in the bath with his Lego. I love it that this boy still plays in the bath.

I am really tired. I have had two of the most difficult days. I have a feeling that it is not over yet. My kind neighbors fixed my flag that had fallen in a storm and I was able to spend a couple hours at the book store tonight, curled up in a corner, reading. Thank you to my babysitter--I appreciate her energy with the kids and the piano tonight.

Thunder dog and bad morning outfits

Our Dog Maggie is terrified of rain with thunder and lightening. This is why I was greeted with chaos this morning. She freaks out...pants and tries to go to strange "high" places to be safe. Today she was jumping up on the kitchen counter then running behind toilets. The stress causes her hair to fall out and she sheds uncontrollably. So, there I was, trying get her outside to pee. I have on sock on (to cover the callous treatment I am doing on my right foot...) and a knee length striped nightgown (ugly). I threw on a black, front zip, hooded sweatshirt and a rain coat. Shoes...I slipped into my white nursing clogs and began trying to get her outside. She strategically kept slipping out of her collar. I finally got her out into the pelting rain and pulled her threw puddles to a grass patch. Did she pee...NO! She just kept freaking out with her tail between her legs. So I was soaked...I mean....really...really wet and I took her back to the front door and let her in. I did not have a towel with me she was running around and shaking and shedding on the tile. I had to laugh. What a mess. The sad thing is I still had to repeat this with the little dog (who is not scared, thank God, but wet and curious so takes to long). I took the kids to school in the dog walking outfit and prayed the entire way that I did not get in a car accident. The one sock with heel jelly would be really embarrassing to explain on the side of the road.

So, today is Thursday. I work again Friday. Then--on to the weekend. And time goes by.

Valentine's day, Sasquatch hunting and more Vitiligo care

It is Friday and I really need to go to bed. I have been running all day. We had an early Mayo Clinic appointment for Liam. His light therapy for the Vitiligo is working. He is getting really good results despite the fact the these higher levels keep burning in his face. We are working on the dosage. I was told "no" to the home unit at this time due to variations in dosage. So, our schedule will continue to include the three times a week visit to the Mayo after school. Disappointing.

I went to the Orange Park Beauty School to help my friend with one of her clinicals. She has to do a total of 5 lash extensions to pass that section--I was a willing candidate. My lashes and brows continue to make me wonder what I will look like in 20 years. Every year I get older they get blonder and thinner. I mean REALLY....I am going to have to resort to the make-up tattoo method of brow application because not being able to leave the house until I "put my brows on" is to crazy to come to terms with. The lash extensions look WONDERFUL. However, if I did it on my own it would run me about $150 every 6 to 8 weeks. That is something I can not add to my life. My friend did a great job though and I will certainly enjoy these ladies while I have them.

Back to school to pick up Liam and Rachel's boy Ben. Ben has been discussing a lot of Big Foot type theories and hunting methods lately so I took the boys to the UNF "forest" to go Sasquatch hunting. They had tools like hydro detectors and magnifiers and foot print collection tools.....Liam kept throwing pine cones into the forest when no one was looking and poor Ben would jump about 10 feet expecting come face to face with the wild monster man himself. I finally told Liam "enough" and we enjoyed the rest of our hike reading about native plants and sapsuckers. Cool. Left the forest and met Rachel with her other boy for dinner.

I went and picked up Hazel from a Valentine's party--she planned a sleepover that she threw on me so I said okay and headed home to pack for her and Liam. I have to work one weekend a month at the hospital and with Lee gone it gets complicated. Tonight Liam is at Nana's but she has a Wedding Shower she is hosting tomorrow evening and is REALLY busy tomorrow. I arranged for Liam to go to Lacrosse match with some of our friends...the same that Hazel is sleeping over at...HOWEVER I received a call 10 minutes ago that her friend has a fever--the flu is relentless down here over the past few weeks. So Nana is driving to get her, it is 9:30 pm and we have asked Lee's Dad if he could be available to be with them for a few hours tomorrow. I think he agreed but I am going to make some early am calls from work to see if I can find a sitter.

Walked the dogs and put together Valentine Baskets for Lynda and the kids...dropped those off as well. Did a load of laundry and took out the trash. I am tired and wish I could have a full day or two with NOTHING to do and no one to entertain. --But I am blessed and my kids are well and I can't complain because I did dye a nice section of my hair PURPLE yesterday and my lashes are awesome. So who says my life isn't any fun?

Happy Valentine's--I have a book for Lee that did not get in the mail so I am going to call him in a moment and read it to him. Then I will settle back and enjoy the Electra lounge on NPR as I close the night down.

Thinking of Irene at the close of the day

Tonight I miss my Grandmother. I don't know why I am missing her tonight. The thought of her not being with me anymore is carefully bringing me to tears. I am just going to post a couple of pictures of her here --because these are the pics I have been looking at tonight.

She was a devoted Grandmother. Tons of love and appreciation. Big, huge heart and an unfailing willingness to try to see the best in people. She loved bragging about Lee and how he is from South Africa. She really liked how Lee and I ran the Boise Marathon together. She liked more than she liked my resistance to traditional female roles!

I feel like flying home and walking through the door to find her in her familiar chair. I want to see her face light up with absolute joy and a confused giggle. Delight. I am very fortunate that Irene was my Grandmother. -- Thanks Grandma Irene - I miss you.

Regular things...on February 9th, 2009

Tomorrow is Hazel's 11th birthday. Lynda and I are heading to Orlando to go to Ikea after I drop the kids at school. I am going to upgrade Hazel to a pre-teen bed....platform..modern...and full size. I slept in a twin bed until I was in my 3rd year in college.....but I swear she looks like she needs a bigger bed. So a bigger bed is what she is getting. She wants the bedroom to be lime green, dark purple and dark blue. So it will be....

Liam is still sleepy...but back to school today. He was so tired after school and light therapy that he fell asleep in the truck---this is very RARE --poor boy still needs sleep.

I got my dog training/Nicci training walks in today. We are doing better. A good brisk walk keeps me and the dogs focused enough to get our groove on......that is what we are doing...grooving...

Lee....got some rest...most of you have read that he dreaming---kind of embarrassing really...public dreams of Lee's memory of us actually getting a smooch ---ahhh well.....the soldier is suffering. Could be worse I suppose.

On to the rest of the week....having someone measure the upstairs for carpet....the variations in carpet fibers and pad options is mind blowing.

By the by...weather here is WONDERFUL. This is when Florida is okay. Mid 70's. Cool mornings. Love it.

"Dad says to stop whining..."and dogs, kids and great mother-in-law

Just finished 2 hours with Ace the dog trainer/human trainer. I think the dogs are "getting it" better than I am. Maybe I should have just had children....because my "Mom" look communicates well to children but my "I am the alpha...stance" well....it needs some work. The whole thing made me tired....but the dogs did great and Ace was patient.

A lot of people read this blog--some I do know and some I know not so well. I recently had a critique from my DAD! He told me that I am a whiner and basically need to take Happy Pills ( I already do) and "suck it up"--that there are a lot of people in this world that have it harder than I do. Wow...what a blow. ----I know he feels this way and I try not to let it bother me. Yes, I do wish he had empathy and understanding about what my life and the kid's life is and leave room for my perception of the situation. However, like many people...I married my father in many ways. My Dad identifies with Lee and his choices and sees this situation through those common eyes. This is not a criticism, just a fact. So, although I have made a pact with myself to apologize less and stop feeling guilty about every move I make-------(maybe tomorrow) I do apologize if I ever come across as unsupportive of the Military or what my soldier is going through. I understand the loneliness and the risks involved and I think it is a great sacrifice he has made. The fact is, however, this is a volunteer service. He volunteered. So it is what it is.

When there was a draft it was not the choice of the soldier and the level of empathy should have been ever greater, if possible. If my husband does not did not want to put himself in the line of fire...then he has had more than one chance to make that happen. If he did not want to live alone in a small Box, freezing, away from family with the daily fear of being mortared or killed.....well...he can make that choice. He makes his own choices. That is what I want my Dad to understand. Everything happening to Lee is his choice (and he is comfortable with his choice, misses us but enjoys what he is doing). In my opinion, part of his job (as an officer and soldier) is to understand what the family goes through at home. I should not have to shield him from what is happening here...he chose to be married and have kids and being part of that is also a choice.

I gripe at times because this situation was and is not my choice and it is not going away. I do, however, offer daily support and an open ear for Lee (whether I like it or not). I do speak highly of him to the kids and they have pride in his service. Better yet, I have put anything that I might want on hold to accommodate deployment and I am actually okay with it because doing what I need to do is my choice. I choose it every day. OK....blah..blah...blah...sorry Dad if I offend or make your more angry. I wish you did not think I was a "whiner" and I wish you did not continue to tell me to get an "attitude adjustment". These are hurtful things that children should not have to hear.

On a better note...

Hazel had a massive sleep over last night. My Mother-in-law and I worked very hard to feed, entertain and tolerate 11 girls for the 11th Birthday Celebration. We did a great job. I think fun was had by all. Although she is probably at home digging through trash for 4 of her forks that are unaccounted for.......and there are lots of muddy white socks in the laundry---it was a good party. There is a new specialty cupcake shop in Jacksonville called Cami Cakes. This is my little plug. This place is so divine. Cami Cakes were a big hit at the party.

Liam, well he is having a tough time. He has been out of school for a week with the flu and felt left out and annoyed at his sister's party. The little dog in training just ate one of his favorite toys and he has been crying about Lee today because he has no one to wrestle. He has hot me twice and threw a huge crying tantrum. These behaviors are very unlike Liam. This times try me--I take on every emotion he has. So, hopefully Lee will call Liam and they can actually have some sort of connection or play chess online. But, Lee was up all night with work in Iraq and will probably be irritated with this blog...so the likelihood of this happening is slim. Hmmm...maybe I should go to church in the morning.

Influenza B and the latest in the Odell house

Liam has had a fever since Saturday.

Day four is when I head to the doctor, although if I am convinced of one of my own diagnoses earlier I will go earlier. This one threw me though. No previous cold, no sore throat, no vomiting, just a severe headache and a fever that has hovered around 101.4. Tired, yes, but improving. The severe headache on day one and two had me very worried. I was thinking about brain bleeds, encephalitis, retinal detachment and other uncommon things. I was asking the poor kid about double vision, pain scales and alleviating factors. After 8 years of being my son he is used to these weird questions and it does not phase him. He just wants to sleep next to me, or shall I say sleep laying on me with all 74 of his precious pounds.

Things were improving today when he was fever free in the morning. Then we went to the grocery store and ran into a child from his class who had strep throat. Then I received a call from his good friend who he is also in class with, he too was ill and was being treated for possible strep. So, off to the clinic. Strep negative. Fever back. So, we ran the Influenza tests and low and behold.....Influenza B. In all my life I have never had the actual test for the flu...or had my kids tested. It was almost frightening to be told that he had the real flu. Not because I thought he was in danger. He is a healthy kid and I know he will be okay, it will just take longer than anticipated. What concerns me and has freaked me out all day is the health of others and my responsibility to their health. So here it goes. I get my flu shot because I am a nurse and HAVE to at the hospital. I do it willingly knowing that the population I deal with is fragile and the idea of "do no harm" includes hand washing and getting my fly shot. But my kids...well I have always thought that the mandatory vaccines are good but that the kids need to build some of their own immunity. Kids get sick...as they get older...they get sick less. Life lesson number..what...4050. But today I felt really bad thinking about who MY SON could have exposed to the flu. There are more pregnant teachers at the school right now than I can count.....I hope they don't get it. Statistically, in a school of 1300 there must be at least one child that is immune compromised.....getting chemo...has CF. Oh, I hope we have not exposed one of these kids.

So, I called the people I knew he had contact with and let them know. Then I went to the school to inform the school (they looked at me a little strange and said "thank you" but I really do not think they will pass the information around". Then I came home and made sure my mother-in-law has had her flu shot (she has) and then I e-mailed his teachers to let them know the diagnosis and request that they make a HUGE pack of homework for him because he will be out the rest of the week. Apparently, the flu is contagious for up to five days in healthy adults. But in kids, even healthy kids, it can be contagious for 7 days or more from the first sign of symptoms. This puts Liam in a bubble until Saturday. He is thrilled...making us play board games and getting his share of the Wii. I think he will be bored soon.

I, on the other hand, am scheduled to work tomorrow and Thursday. Not the best timing, but, at least I was with Liam is his most uncomfortable days. My dedicated Mother-in-law is on for the next couple days. If I did not have her, I do not know what I would do. I have very little PTO now that I am Part-time. I guess I would take unpaid leave, that would be okay, things would be tight but we would be okay. In terms of my patients, they should be fine because I am a crazy hand washer and I wear a mask for PICC procedures and will wear one when I am working in the Infusion Center as well.

Hazel, well she is trooping along after her teeth pulling expereince last Friday. The next two extractions (pre-braces) will be at the oral surgeon. Friday was....tough. She did great...but she needs gas so I can pretend that I have the gas to make it through the procedure. Then, last night she had me up until about 11 pm helping her fininsh her 18 page report on Kazakhstan. Today she had running after school, picked her up for a quick snack and then off to take her and her friends to the pre-season soccer clinic. Once again, thank you mother-in-law for coming to stay with Liam while I carpooled the ladies around Jacksonville.

In between these exciting matters of the day I searched online for vacation properties in the Florida Keys. A trip over spring break with my college friends Denise and Kelly joining us might actually happen! I love this idea! Beach bikes, snorkels and peaceful sunsets. I am going to sleep with the windows open!

So, off to work for a couple days. Friday night I have Hazel's birthday sleep over with a total of TEN girls. I am taking them all to Cami Cakes for cup cakes in their pajamas. We are making t-shirts and then just running around like crazy I think. Wish me luck. I know Hazel will miss having her Dad's humor around while she entertains her friends. I know Lee will miss watching the girls and realizing that he has no idea what the next few years are going to be like. He is moving into uncharted territory---the teen years....

Blogging for blog's sake--looking for a plan

My smartest, most intuitive, brilliant, well read cousin in Idaho has started a blog. It sure is pretty. I really do not have web pretty skills. I can't even figure out how to put a pic on my blog. Better yet, I have about 30 things I need to post on Craig's List. It seems more overwhelming than it does practical to get the stiff posted and sold---so the stiff sits.....and sits.... Funny, considering the one side of my family does it for a living/hobby/what is the difference?

If I have not looked at the blogs for a few days I start to get concerned. My expatriate officer has yet to use spell check on his blog. So, I am a a moderator, and when I read his blog then I have to go back and and press the ABC with the check button that highlights the spelling issues and then right click to correct them. Usually the same words, really, drawer etc. It does not bother me because he is a really good writer and justice is not done to his writing when there are so many errors. However, when all I am doing is pressing spell check...well that is irritating. Maybe blogspot will upgrade and do automatic spell check like Word does. That would be nice.

I had three glasses of wine last night (Middle Sister Table Wine...in white...liked the label) and let Liam watch a mildly inappropriate Jackie Chan movie. He loves Jackie Chan. He laughs so hard. He says that it is okay that there are bad words because it reminds him what words he is NOT supposed to use--"so don't worry Mom", he tell me. He likes to help with my parenting guilt issues.

Hazel had her 11 year old doctor visit yesterday. She is 5'2 now---and I felt a twinge of sadness when he was telling us that because she started her period her height potential has been ...well.....not a lot of height potential left. I think the study of genetic height potential and the effects of puberty are interesting. The doctor knows I like these details so he humors me. Since her Dad is 5'10 and I am 5'5 and a half...based on her growth patters her genetic potential was 5'4 to 5'7. I was really hoping for the 5'7 for her. I think that is a great height. However, when you start your period 2 weeks prior to your 11th birthday---well....the brakes are slammed and you are lucky if you can pull out another 2 inches. I told her we could hang her from her feet from the ceiling. She was not really bothered about the conversation because she was focused on being hungry and getting back to school to give a presentation. She liked it when he talked to her about Middle School. She is always up for talking Middle School. She is rally excited about the changes coming her way academically. Ready for challenge. Anyway, I think I will hang her upside down...stick her on a Pilate's machine---when I am not obsessively clipping her nails and reminding her to brush her hair and wash her face. Parenting is strange. Today....she is having 4 teeth pulled in preparation for the braces in May. There is nothing gentle about turning 11.

I sent Lee a CNN article about marriage and life. The idea was that depression is not always depression...it can be disappointment. A new way to view it. I should post the link but I don't remember it. I like to evaluate things like this and give new words to the same old thing. He stumbled a bit trying to figure out if I was blaming him for something or who was supposed to be the one that is the target of the article. I did not know, it just seemed pertinent. We have been together for 14 years now and I get a regular list from him about what he needs me to do for him emotionally in order to make him happy. I shut down.....ME DO FOR YOU. I am the one on SSRI's for the past 7 years! Especially when (this is my repeat victim thing....makes him really mad....so I apologize in advance) I am here, working, raising the kids, taking care of the house, giving everything I have so that he can be a soldier. ----I keep going.....doing this when HE signed up to do this 6 years ago without my support--and have had to do this solo thing every year for at least 3 months but usually more. (victim rant is done now). Talk about disappointment. I felt it last night. Maybe the wine though. Possibly. Didn't go well. Maybe skype is not a good idea---too many ways to sigh and roll eyes.

Route 66. I feel that if Paul McCartney did it then I should. Me and the kids....with a pop up camper. I spend about an hour yesterday thinking about buying a pop up camper I found on Craig's list. Then I read about how much work they are to set up and take down. Sounded like a royal pain, especially when I am a solo adult. I still like the idea though. Maybe if I have one with the hydraulic lift? Does anyone remember my hitch obsession from my first blog. Well..that damn thing. Great hitch...but the dealer told me it was a 2 inch hitch and it is only a 1.25 inch. My bike carrier (thanks Dad) that was supposed to bring me so much joy is in the garage...box open....because I need a hitch adaptor AND someone with the patience to follow the directions and put the thing together. I was starting to sweat as I tried to lay out the pieces. So I left it. Do you think I could pull a pop up camper with a 1.25 hitch on the Jeep Patriot? Probably.


Then.....if I am not random enough. I spent 30 precious, yesterday minutes talking to my own personal Dog Whisperer that I just hired. His name is Ace...he is Spanish speaking but not sure where he is from because I have not met him yet. He is into dog behavior and pack management using a lot of the dog's genetics as a guide. He is in for some fun when he comes Saturday to observe this pack. Me, the kids, the two untrained dogs, the cat---all in the 1650 sq. foot Town Home. No, not motor home...Town Home. Good luck to Ace!

My head is so jumbled with this and that and what to do and what not to do. Not crazy jumbled....but just craving a devoted emotion. Craving a plan and the focus that sometimes comes with a plan. When was the last time I had a plan?

TGIF--off to the shower then the dentist with Hazel. I hope they give her gas--poor girl. Then...later to the Mayo with Liam for his light therapy (by the way..THAT is going really well...his skin is really making some melanin....way to go melanocytes).

I am thinking that I really do need Route 66. Sooner than later.

Presidential Optimism and "my spouse packed a poiki for Iraq"

I worked yesterday during the Inauguration. Many rooms at the hospital had it on TV. I was placing a PICC line in a room during Aretha Franklin's song. My patient was 85 years old and had dementia, rather severe so our conversations were limited. He was sweet and said he was from Chicago and worked for the railroad. Anyway, I made some comment about Aretha's amazing voice and all he said was, "That is a silly hat."

The administration at the hospital played the inauguration in a few auditoriums for those employees that have the kind of position that allows them to leave the floor or their office and go to an auditorium (not mine...or ...not any of the nurses in the hospital). My floor, well I think I have mentioned that I am the ONLY Obama supporter in my department. Beyond that, the majority of the people I work with are more that non-supporters, they are angry and not afraid to say derogatory things about the new President and the election. I was told that it was crazy that people were claiming he was the first African American President when his mother was white, he was raised by white grand-parents and his father was black but a Muslim. It was also pointed out to me that he lived in Indonesia much of the time. I just sighed and left the conversation. Why even try to defend the beauty of this Presidency? The color of his skin, the message of hope, the unyielding confidence and peace present while making decisions. I am so proud of our country and the excitement we had for this election. I am more excited to see various people think about it more and make plans to "be the message" to get involved, to volunteer. I am so proud and optimistic.

Lee is not feeling well in Iraq. He may be getting a cold. He does not deal well with little upsets like this and requires tons of sleep. He gets grumpy and resentful that he has to miss a workout. So it is difficult to talk to him right now, he is moody and detached. Big things for the kids in the past week could have used a few kind words from him or a sweet e-mail or a picture but he is working late and feeling ill and his head is in Iraq, missing us and wishing that we could do more make him feel less lonely. We really do not hear from him much lately. He is not writing on his blog very often which I miss because it gave a lot of insight to his days. He worked hard on the composition and messages he was putting forward. I know it was a lot of work and I can see how it can get tedious especially when there are so many Army details he has to leave out -- and his mind in on the Army details. I can feel already how difficult the transition is going to be when he returns. But, my, how we miss him at home.

Liam was looking for gloves today because it is SO COLD! I thought Lee might have some so I unpacked a bag he had packed for Iraq but ended up not taking due to space. No gloves but I did find some dirty cloths (yuck...4 months old) and a large cast iron pot and his Latin dancing shoes. I was laughing thinking that at some point in his packing he must have forgot where he was going and thought he was going to be cooking a South African Poiki and then going dancing?

English Rugby and the USO

Hazel and I went to see the Leeds' Rhinos in a rugby match today. We saw them last year when they were here and enjoyed it. It was very cold outside for us so we did not last the entire match. However, there was USO booth on site taking donations. I went to the table to give a few dollars. All was fine but I teared up when I put my money in the jar. There are a lot of men at Rugby matches. Tons of them. Lots of men with kids and families as well. I missed my husband being with me and I missed my family being an entire unit. Hazel and I left early and went to Borders.

My little man is at at his friend's house having a long day and sleep over. He was really looking forward to it. He has been talking to me non stop lately about going to Lego land in California. I have even been looking up discount plane tickets to San Diego. I would love to make this little boy excited about a trip for HIM. He misses Lee a lot and withdraws at times. Overall he is well but I don't think he feels very "special" right now with all the focus on choosing Hazel's Middle School and working on Hazel's research papers and her soccer etc. He is so, so special to me. I am having trouble making sure I spend the one one one with him. It is easier when there are two adults.

Skype fights and Pedi-paws....

Lee and I had a Skype Fight this morning. When you are only able to live text your spouse (no video) --well..the conversations can be interesting. I type slower than Lee, so for a bit he had his running gloves on and I told him it was like taking the Queen out of the Chess match to make the playing field more even. Anyway, there are subtle things that get missed in an argument over skype. Same issues, different medium. Kind of like art really.

Anyway, I think it all faded after a bit and so life continues. I have been half amused at the concept of a skype fight all day.

More amusing things...I tried to use Lee's hair clippers to cut Alvin's (small...white puffy dog) face hair. He has the tear stains that white dogs get and they drive me crazy. I did not hurt him but he won't be winning any dog shows in the near future. Then, while I had the momentum going, I bought the "As Seen On TV" product called Pedi-paws. They(as seen on T.V. people) claim your dog will love it and you can gently grind down their nails (and round them) and prevent the pain associated with clipping and hitting the sensitive quick. I paid 11 extra at the groomers for them to use this device so I decided I would save a few dollars and try it myself. Both dogs ran for the hills as soon as I turned it on. The scene did not improve as I sat on them (one at a time...more..gently leaning over them) and gripped the foot to start the process. I was only able to get a start on one nail...on one dog. To be continued.....

Kid's are good....watching The Corpse Bride on the new streaming Netflix/Blue-ray gadget thing I bought and set up solo......they are amused with the clay animation.

Note..tonight is the biggest full moon of 2009. I have been waiting for it all day.

School choices for kids, random thoughts that wake me up too early

During the next month I need to make a few decisions regarding the kid's schools. Hazel is headed to 6th grade, Middle School. She is ready. She is excited. The thing is I need to choose where to send her. She is very bright and has been in the gifted program during Elementary School. I am fortunate because this gives us more options. There are a few really great schools that are designated for the gifted kids so she will get classes that are created to challenge her and excite her brain. The thing is there are three different schools. They are all in Downtown Jacksonville (requires long bus rides/car pools). Due to Lee's active duty status we actually get first priority on the school we choose. I have it narrowed down to two schools and will be going on tours next week. Hopefully this will help me choose the best place for Hazel.

Liam. This is what had me awake at 5 am, working various options over in my head. He is gifted too, but has a few more challenges with writing and reading. He can stay at his current school and get his one day a week Gifted pull out. This is what Hazel did all through school. The thing is he really "hates" every other day at school. He also has issues making up the work he misses while in gifted pull out. Writing is difficult for him, so he is often frustrated and upset when it comes to the work, afraid to not get it done and disappoint his teachers. There are Elementary Schools in the district that are Gifted Magnet schools. No pull out, every day gifted education. One school in particular, Jacksonville Beach Elementary, gets amazing reviews. Because of Lee's current active duty status I could transfer him there. However, after this year, when Lee is not on active duty, he would not get in because we do not live int he correct "Zone" etc. Sounds great, except this school is at the Beach. I would have to drive him there daily. The location is about 20 minutes in the opposite direction of where Hazel will be going to school. Plus, he would have to go through a change in schools, leave his little friends etc...... It is hard to make a decision like this in my current situation. With Lee here I would be able to discuss our daily schedules, he would have one. Together we could decide if this was something we could pull off...for a few years. Or, if it would make life too difficult.

Throw into the mix the possibility that I might head back to school next year to study my Master's in Nursing to become a Nurse Practitioner and now things are looking really, really complicated. Although, if I was in school I would have a more flexible schedule......

These are my thoughts at 5 am. Then my brain suggests we just move to a more convenient neighborhood....will a huge yard and a pool....(no this has nothing to do with the schools...). Then I am up.

Hazel followed me out of bed...she is sitting on the couch scratching a few Mosquito Bites...rubbing Benadryl on them and telling me about her dream last night (about Keystone Camp). Then she requests a big glass of milk and sits at the table to work on her Elvis Presley report. I have turned on a recording of one of Elvis' rehearsals to set the mood. The dogs are on the floor...chewing random inappropriate things.

Today, I am going with the kids and their gifted glass to see Chinese Acrobats then on to a Chinese Buffet. The theme this year in China. I feel lucky to be able to come with them on the majority of their field trips. Even at 8 and 10 they are excited to have me at school. I like that.

Needing a spouse today--family in crisis

Today is one of those days when it would have been nice if Lee had not joined the Army. It would have been nice to have Lee as a part of the family today, this week.

Kids are both behind with reports they are writing. Hazel works really hard. I did not push her over the vacation, however, because I feel like she is in 5th grade and deserves to have a Holiday without the stress of homework. However, now she is behind and had a point taken (rare for her) today because she was unprepared. Liam is also behind, sucking on his lip because he is worried about all the writing he needs to do.

I worked today so my Mother-in-law came over early as she always does. She got the kids off to school. Her back has been going into spasm again lately. I have known her for a long time and have watched her back defend her from various things like emotions, sadness, fear, etc. Something is working on her and today it went. She was in severe pain and ended up in the Emergency Room because she could not walk or move. They loaded her up with IV pain meds ....still in pain...still incapacitated...x-ray (no obvious injury)...so more pain meds...she began to relax and breathe. Friends and my visiting relatives pulled together to pick the kids of from school for us, feed them and help them get a start on homework.

I was at work and was able to check in on her in the ED. She had a good nurse. The dogs had to hang for 11 hours today while all the happened so I felt bad for them. However, it all worked out. I just wish Lee could have been here. His Mom could have used his support. The kids and I could have used his support as well.

Late now, heading to bed hoping that Alvin (the small dog) will sleep and not run around crazy in my bed.

My little nutshell of nothing really

Kids are back to school today. One was excited and up early preparing. The other was pulled out by his feet and placed on the couch with cereal to encourage his eyes to open. I think you all know which child fits each scenario. The second one convinced me to come have lunch at school and that made it possible for the day to begin. We got off to school okay after that arrangement.

The visiting family from England/Khazakstan leave later this week. My kids are going to really miss their company. My husband's brother and sister-in-law have really been kind taking my kids with them on various outings, especially when I have been working. I will miss them too. They bring an interesting dynamic to our world here and I am forever impressed with the consistency in which meals are are prepared and eaten. A prepared meal nearly every night. My ADHD issues have never quite understood that or made it possible but I do like the idea and enjoy being part of it.

Ok...so I don't really have anything earth shattering to discuss. I am preoccupied with my dry heels, a patient who has become a friend who is now in ICU on the vent (no details...just not the way it should have been for her), the little dogs tear stains, the big dogs new trash hobby, the daughter's upcoming dental experience (4 teeth to pull before braces in May), refinancing the house (rates are low...), the son's chess club and camping requests, and finally ...getting to more Zumba classes at the YMCA. That is my little nutshell.

False Lashes and a Happy New Year

Well, the Holiday is officially over. The kids and I all made it to midnight this year. My kids are growing up quickly. They were able to stay up last night and enjoy the ball drop and count down. We spent the evening with Lee's family including the cousins and one of Hazel's school friends. It was a good group. The kids performed a show they had been working on for a couple weeks and the adults played a few rounds of pool after a good meal of curry. I tried my best to make my own little crazy party by taking what seemed like hours to apply false eyelashes. I think I ended up using too much glue because my lids kept sticking. They were great though....very cool...even in the comfort of a simple house party. I can only imagine how cool they would be if I was at Obama's Inaugural Ball!

The kids and I have been invited to our friends at the beach for Ribs and Black Eyed Peas (southern tradition) and are looking forward to a nice afternoon. My mind is racing a it with optimism and planning for change in 2009.

I like it how a New Year forces a bit of reflection and commitment to doing things you have wanted to do but have put off. This year, as I placed my lashes, I decided that I needed a little more Rock and Roll. Not sure what that means but it felt good to think about it. I am also looking forward to the planning involved with Hazel and her transition to Middle School. We have tours this month of the Magnet Schools on out list and will submit her applications. She and I are talking a lot about the process and transition involved with Middle School.

Liam has enjoyed his time away from school. I am looking forward to getting him in a good mix of experiences this spring. He is going to start Piano lessons, will continue his Chess club and is looking into spring lacrosse or martial arts. I have been looking for some Civil War sites that we could visit as we are finishing The Red Badge of Courage. Like his dad, Liam loves history and I need to work a bit to encourage that (this area does not come naturally to me....).

That takes care of the kids...for me, well I am once again considering getting my GRE out of the way and looking at various Master's programs. I continue to be drawn to Palliative care and Hospice and will work on opportunities to integrate these skills. It is a little difficult because, with Lee gone, I don't feel comfortable making and big changes. The deployment forces life to be put on hold in a way because one never knows what will happen during the rest of the deployment and how he will be at adjusting when he gets back. I am going to work on taking advantage of this time to take care of what I need and want and hope that things will fall into place when he returns.

It was a tough year last year. I lost my Grandmother Irene, my rock. I have mourned her every day and still can not believe she is gone. I nearly lost my husband, a few times, but ultimately just lost him to the deployment. It was an important year.

I wish everyone the best for 2009. Don't tread lightly. Tread with intention and purpose. Make a commitment to change. Live with respect and challenge the status-quo. Don't allow yourself to settle for less that your are worthy. Create a life with generous love and affection. Create and maintain boundaries that allow you to live with grace. This is for all the people I love (including myself). Be grateful for freedom and the ability to make choices for how you live your life. Freedom is an awesome responsibility.