Sunday the 28th is our 12th Wedding Anniversary. It will be the first that we have been apart. It is hard to believe that it has been 12 years since we married. Our oldest, Hazel, turns 11 in February and our youngest will be 9 next October when Lee returns. Lee and I Married in 1996 but we actually met in the fall of 2004. Lee and I have had some difficult Holiday seasons during the past few years. We have had difficult wedding anniversaries as well. This is marriage and many of our years have been complicated by our independent spirits and grand expectations. So, making it to 12 years is an achievement, something to not take lightly.
However, as I reflect on the years I appreciate the opportunity to miss him. I wish him a good safe day in Iraq and hope that this experience is treats him well.
My Mom is visiting and the kids and I have had fun taking her to the beach and letting her enjoy the sun before we send her back to the snow in Boise. Tomorrow night Mom and I are going to the local dinner theater (oldest in the country) for an ABBA cover band show. I am looking forward to the show and taking my Mom out for the night.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Getting ready for Christmas and important passings
This past weekend the kids went to Orlando with Lee's parents and his older brother's family. I worked this weekend and was unable to go with them. They had a really great time. The kids are very close to their cousins who they only see once every year or every other year. Hazel and Sean are 18 months apart and Liam and Maddy are 9 months apart. Mary is the their youngest and she fits in anywhere really. Anyway Hazel and Sean went on all the biggest rides with Lee's brother and it seems like Hazel got the kind of interaction that reminds her of time with her Dad. She needed that and seemed to thrive. Lee's brother is very kind and affectionate with the kids and silly like Lee so it is good to have him around.
Me, I have been running around sorting the final items for Christmas out. My Mom arrives on the 23rd and I am having a dinner at my house on Christmas eve with my friend Rachel and her kids at my house. I work Christmas eve so Rachel and my Mom will be doing the majority of the cooking.
On my mind this morning is a patient that I have become close with over the past few months. She has Leukemia and is not winning the fight. She is the same age as my Mom and has a very sweet husband, five kids and lovely grandchildren. She has done everything possible to beat this cancer but seems to get every possible side effect. The bottom line is that the treatments have not been working yet. Her bone marrow is still full of cancer. Anyway, she has some kind of lung infection to go with the while thing and they are having difficulty getting rid of it. Today she has to go for an open lung biopsy so they can better examine the process because it is beginning to compromise her ability to breathe and she is on oxygen now. Despite being in the Hospital for 42 days now she looks wonderful.
I go to see her and her husband on the days I work. Last night she was laying in bed watching TV, her well groomed husband in the recliner next to her. The lights were dim and she had on her blue and while striped Ralph Lauren PJ's and her cotton hat to cover her head. The bed was clean, the room clean and the lights dim. It was like walking into their living room to visit except the has on oxygen and has visible IV's. Her pain seems well controlled. I am sad for her and am thinking about her family. I deal with a lot of people who die, but it is mostly elderly and their is often acceptance from the patient when they can tell it is their time. This patient is moved to tears at the thought that she may not make it. As the concept becomes a reality and she feels her physical self slipping she will say things like, "I thought I was going to die...." She does not seem ready and that breaks my heart.
I think she was only diagnosed last March with a blood issue so this has progressed very quickly. I don't like to see her unprepared emotionally to pass. It is such a personal adventure and mission to come to terms with the exit from this world. In talking about Christmas she made a comment about how focused her thinking has gotten on the little details of living (breathing, pain etc) that the other external details have really taken a back seat. Last week however, she was focused on getting home to have the kids over for Christmas and putting up a tree. She will not be going home for Christmas. She will be in my thoughts and prayers today and every day as she works through this process. I just pray that God is kids to her spirit gives her what she needs to find peace with the what her body could not heal. I think that is what I want for Christmas.
Of note, this patient and her husband never fail to ask about Lee. Never. He is a Vietnam Veteran and very sensitive to Lee's experience in the Army. They always offer kind thoughts and good humor when talking to me about him and my kids. They have never met my kids but know their ages and names and always want to know how they are dealing with Lee being gone and how I am managing. Amazing how some people can be so kind.
Me, I have been running around sorting the final items for Christmas out. My Mom arrives on the 23rd and I am having a dinner at my house on Christmas eve with my friend Rachel and her kids at my house. I work Christmas eve so Rachel and my Mom will be doing the majority of the cooking.
On my mind this morning is a patient that I have become close with over the past few months. She has Leukemia and is not winning the fight. She is the same age as my Mom and has a very sweet husband, five kids and lovely grandchildren. She has done everything possible to beat this cancer but seems to get every possible side effect. The bottom line is that the treatments have not been working yet. Her bone marrow is still full of cancer. Anyway, she has some kind of lung infection to go with the while thing and they are having difficulty getting rid of it. Today she has to go for an open lung biopsy so they can better examine the process because it is beginning to compromise her ability to breathe and she is on oxygen now. Despite being in the Hospital for 42 days now she looks wonderful.
I go to see her and her husband on the days I work. Last night she was laying in bed watching TV, her well groomed husband in the recliner next to her. The lights were dim and she had on her blue and while striped Ralph Lauren PJ's and her cotton hat to cover her head. The bed was clean, the room clean and the lights dim. It was like walking into their living room to visit except the has on oxygen and has visible IV's. Her pain seems well controlled. I am sad for her and am thinking about her family. I deal with a lot of people who die, but it is mostly elderly and their is often acceptance from the patient when they can tell it is their time. This patient is moved to tears at the thought that she may not make it. As the concept becomes a reality and she feels her physical self slipping she will say things like, "I thought I was going to die...." She does not seem ready and that breaks my heart.
I think she was only diagnosed last March with a blood issue so this has progressed very quickly. I don't like to see her unprepared emotionally to pass. It is such a personal adventure and mission to come to terms with the exit from this world. In talking about Christmas she made a comment about how focused her thinking has gotten on the little details of living (breathing, pain etc) that the other external details have really taken a back seat. Last week however, she was focused on getting home to have the kids over for Christmas and putting up a tree. She will not be going home for Christmas. She will be in my thoughts and prayers today and every day as she works through this process. I just pray that God is kids to her spirit gives her what she needs to find peace with the what her body could not heal. I think that is what I want for Christmas.
Of note, this patient and her husband never fail to ask about Lee. Never. He is a Vietnam Veteran and very sensitive to Lee's experience in the Army. They always offer kind thoughts and good humor when talking to me about him and my kids. They have never met my kids but know their ages and names and always want to know how they are dealing with Lee being gone and how I am managing. Amazing how some people can be so kind.
Friday, December 12, 2008
ZUMBA and other wonderings.
Yesterday my friend and I tried out another exercise class at the YMCA. ZUMBA! It is Latin dance inspired and the class tries to feel like you are at a party not a fitness class. Anyway, we had a blast although we were a total mess. It was very difficult and VERY fast. The room was full, the lights were down and the pace was incredible. I probably missed half the steps and was still sweating like crazy. The loud music made it so you could barely hear the instructor and since I carefully placed myself in the back (because obviously I had no business in the front) I could only see her at times. I took to following some your thing in the middle who probably does this on the side when she is not at her regular classes with the NYC Ballet. I mean REALLY---she had legs that wouldn't quit and never missed a step. We had fun. I think I am going to go back again tonight to the evening class.
I took Liam to the doctor yesterday because he has a cough that has been around for nearly 2 months. He does not have asthma and never had a cold associated with this cough. I thought he should we should have it checked out. Lungs were clear, one nostril a bit "boggy" is what she found on assessment. So it is either allergies or possibly PERTUSSIS. What? I thought that was something we vaccinate. Apparently it was the DtAP but it has changes etc.etc. and she has seen quite a lot of pertussis this fall. Interesting. Apparently this would be a 100 day cough type thing. Anyway, the treatment would be a Z-Pack so we went that route because if it was some other bacterial issue this would take care of it. Z-Pack it is.
At the doctor I also briefly discussed his weight loss this fall. She was not worried because he had jumped to the 97th Percentile when he is usually in the 85th so the weight loss brings him back to where he has been historically. However, after the appt. Lee phoned from Iraq and Liam was able to speak with him. Great. But after he talked to him he had a stomach ache, nausea, loss of appetite that continued into the night. He was sleepy and lethargic and was falling asleep in a chair in Target and then did fall asleep in the truck on the way home. He did not eat and would not eat anything after school and last night and sat holding his stomach at Hazel's Holiday show at school.
I have a situation where my son is very possibly experiencing sadness and anxiety due to Lee's deployment. I have him home today. I need to help him but have already tried so many different approaches, distraction, talking, extras attention. He feels this discomfort in his stomach....like a knot. Breaks my heart. He has an empty place.
I work this weekend again. Hazel has another birthday sleep over. Liam will be with his Nana helping get ready for the cousins that arrive late Monday. He is really excited and I hope having family around will lighten his load. I am sure it will.
I received an e-mail from Lee saying that he has Internet now. I am anxious to see if it is really true and if the connection is good enough to skype. It has been a long couple of weeks with the limited contact. We are not good on the phone.
I have felt my resentment surface again and find myself questioning the details of my situation. Why do I have to be the one who always sacrifices? Why would someone who loves me make choices that are for my good or that of the family? Post-deployment, will Lee become more dedicated to the Army after this experience? Is this the rest of my life? Will I always be the one in charge of the emotional security and consistency of the children. How many more times will I have to live like this? With the loneliness and uncertainty. Live with the fear. Will my friends always think that I am crazy to continue to do this? Will my kids feel their Dad made choices to abandon them because he was bored at home and wanted something more exciting in his life? -----Anyway, when I go down this path I usually pop a couple of rotten e-mails Lee's way (I did). this time I sent one refuting the claim that the deployment would be a a great thing for us financially that we would make a lot of extra money and we could pay off various debts so that we could finally buy a HOUSE with a yard so the dogs can go outside and I do not have to walk them 4 times a day. Hazel can possibly have her own bathroom. When the fact is, we pay are and it looks like will continue to make at least 600 less and although we do not have his car payment we do have extra life insurance to pay for, his Internet connection, after school care for the kids etc....so really it all balances out. I mean, in the current times I am grateful that we have pay checks and jobs, but I feel like once again this Army thing does nothing for our family in terms of our plans, living arrangements, financial security etc. So I sent the e-mail. He gets mad. He tells me, "Okay Nicole, you win, now let it go." And that is where I find us. Frustrating and sad. When we talk on the phone hours later all I can say is I love you and be safe because I really never know what his day will bring. I don't think he believes me and he is probably thinking that my blaming will never change and I will never really understand him and when he gets home he may have to finally call it quits so he can find someone who REALLY understand him and supports his dreams and goals. Then, that freaks me out, I cave and then I realize that my own goals (my what....who do I want to be....) will have to be meshed with the sacrifice of marriage and (as my good friend councils me) this is God's plan. Marriage is the ultimate test of sacrifice for the good of marriage and family. Learning to get outside of yourself and be a wife is God's great design (she never said I should sacrifice myself exactly but it sounded like that...).
So in the end I guess I will pray for clarity and guidance and safety and security for my family as individuals and as a unit so it can survive.
Then...in my head comes how Hazel has requested these certain earrings for Christmas ....the first "Name Brand" item she has ever requested. They are Tarantino and made of crystal and beautiful but shocking that she thinks she needs these. She is growing up so fast.
Liam...who I kept home is now making me play him a game of chess. Sigh....
I took Liam to the doctor yesterday because he has a cough that has been around for nearly 2 months. He does not have asthma and never had a cold associated with this cough. I thought he should we should have it checked out. Lungs were clear, one nostril a bit "boggy" is what she found on assessment. So it is either allergies or possibly PERTUSSIS. What? I thought that was something we vaccinate. Apparently it was the DtAP but it has changes etc.etc. and she has seen quite a lot of pertussis this fall. Interesting. Apparently this would be a 100 day cough type thing. Anyway, the treatment would be a Z-Pack so we went that route because if it was some other bacterial issue this would take care of it. Z-Pack it is.
At the doctor I also briefly discussed his weight loss this fall. She was not worried because he had jumped to the 97th Percentile when he is usually in the 85th so the weight loss brings him back to where he has been historically. However, after the appt. Lee phoned from Iraq and Liam was able to speak with him. Great. But after he talked to him he had a stomach ache, nausea, loss of appetite that continued into the night. He was sleepy and lethargic and was falling asleep in a chair in Target and then did fall asleep in the truck on the way home. He did not eat and would not eat anything after school and last night and sat holding his stomach at Hazel's Holiday show at school.
I have a situation where my son is very possibly experiencing sadness and anxiety due to Lee's deployment. I have him home today. I need to help him but have already tried so many different approaches, distraction, talking, extras attention. He feels this discomfort in his stomach....like a knot. Breaks my heart. He has an empty place.
I work this weekend again. Hazel has another birthday sleep over. Liam will be with his Nana helping get ready for the cousins that arrive late Monday. He is really excited and I hope having family around will lighten his load. I am sure it will.
I received an e-mail from Lee saying that he has Internet now. I am anxious to see if it is really true and if the connection is good enough to skype. It has been a long couple of weeks with the limited contact. We are not good on the phone.
I have felt my resentment surface again and find myself questioning the details of my situation. Why do I have to be the one who always sacrifices? Why would someone who loves me make choices that are for my good or that of the family? Post-deployment, will Lee become more dedicated to the Army after this experience? Is this the rest of my life? Will I always be the one in charge of the emotional security and consistency of the children. How many more times will I have to live like this? With the loneliness and uncertainty. Live with the fear. Will my friends always think that I am crazy to continue to do this? Will my kids feel their Dad made choices to abandon them because he was bored at home and wanted something more exciting in his life? -----Anyway, when I go down this path I usually pop a couple of rotten e-mails Lee's way (I did). this time I sent one refuting the claim that the deployment would be a a great thing for us financially that we would make a lot of extra money and we could pay off various debts so that we could finally buy a HOUSE with a yard so the dogs can go outside and I do not have to walk them 4 times a day. Hazel can possibly have her own bathroom. When the fact is, we pay are and it looks like will continue to make at least 600 less and although we do not have his car payment we do have extra life insurance to pay for, his Internet connection, after school care for the kids etc....so really it all balances out. I mean, in the current times I am grateful that we have pay checks and jobs, but I feel like once again this Army thing does nothing for our family in terms of our plans, living arrangements, financial security etc. So I sent the e-mail. He gets mad. He tells me, "Okay Nicole, you win, now let it go." And that is where I find us. Frustrating and sad. When we talk on the phone hours later all I can say is I love you and be safe because I really never know what his day will bring. I don't think he believes me and he is probably thinking that my blaming will never change and I will never really understand him and when he gets home he may have to finally call it quits so he can find someone who REALLY understand him and supports his dreams and goals. Then, that freaks me out, I cave and then I realize that my own goals (my what....who do I want to be....) will have to be meshed with the sacrifice of marriage and (as my good friend councils me) this is God's plan. Marriage is the ultimate test of sacrifice for the good of marriage and family. Learning to get outside of yourself and be a wife is God's great design (she never said I should sacrifice myself exactly but it sounded like that...).
So in the end I guess I will pray for clarity and guidance and safety and security for my family as individuals and as a unit so it can survive.
Then...in my head comes how Hazel has requested these certain earrings for Christmas ....the first "Name Brand" item she has ever requested. They are Tarantino and made of crystal and beautiful but shocking that she thinks she needs these. She is growing up so fast.
Liam...who I kept home is now making me play him a game of chess. Sigh....
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Holiday Party, going out, life update
I went to my work Christmas Party last night. Hazel had a birthday party sleep over and Liam was at his usual home away from home for the night playing with his friend. It was fun to go out.
When I was in nursing school I went out pretty often. Lee was good about not really being bothered about me hanging out once every few months with a group of friends from school. Of course I was generally the oldest, the only one with kids and usually the first to get sleepy by midnight. But on the rare occasion I would push my limits and have a little bit of a crazy time. The next day was usually miserable and I would wish that I would act more my age!! Anyway, I had a nice time with my fellow nurses from the hospital.
This weekend we were at a cool little restaurant called the Creekside in St. Augustine. The best feature of the place would be the outside fire pit with bottomless marshmallows and some of the best roasting sticks I have seen. The band was an oldies band called Flashback - they played a good set or two and came to a close by 10 pm. I pushed the night on through by mandating a second stop for the group at the English Pub on the way home. We played some darts and I felt myself getting cheeky and competitive at the game. I should just call it a night when I get like that. I am like that with bowling too. I get crazy and want to win...to master the game. I lost. As it goes the night was a good night but I was up entirely too late. Lee phoned this morning and I was still in bed waiting for my alarm to go off so I could force myself out of bed to get dressed and pick the children up. I felt like I never really went to sleep.
The kids had also been up late so we took it easy today. They worked on a little homework. I went grocery shopping. Then we had one of my good friend's over with her girls and we made a good try at making Sugar Cookies for Christmas. I am a decent cook but I am out of practice and a little lazy. Only today did I realize that I no longer own a rolling pin. I KNOW I did have one. I know my Aunt Alyce bought me one when I got married and for the life of me I cannot figure out where it ended up in past 12 years. We rolled the dough with a glass.
We topped the night off with dinner at my in-laws. My brother-in-law was there as well - nice because I don't see him often. It was a gentle evening. We really do not have any info from Lee lately. We all miss the skype. The phone conversations are quick chats of details and lack personalization. The focus for us is the arrival in a week of Lee's older brother and family from Khazakstan with his wife and three kids. I can feel the dissapointment that I will be so single- that Lee will not be able to hang with his older brother. Lee has always looked up to him as a mentor and guide and will miss this opportunity to spend time with him.
Tomorrow Hazel goes to the orthodontist for a pre-braces appt. How strange that Lee may never see her with this same set of teeth again. She will be in braces and the twisted tooth that she got from him at birth will be corrected. I must be crazy thinking up all the minute details of life that change with his absence. It just reiterates this feeling of loss and separation--loneliness.
Despite these momentary lapses I am actually getting my Sh*! together and am feeling grounded. I am standing up straight today and getting things done. I had a good cuddle with Liam tonight as I read him more of Treasure Island. He is LOVING this book.
Off to bed because Monday comes quickly.
When I was in nursing school I went out pretty often. Lee was good about not really being bothered about me hanging out once every few months with a group of friends from school. Of course I was generally the oldest, the only one with kids and usually the first to get sleepy by midnight. But on the rare occasion I would push my limits and have a little bit of a crazy time. The next day was usually miserable and I would wish that I would act more my age!! Anyway, I had a nice time with my fellow nurses from the hospital.
This weekend we were at a cool little restaurant called the Creekside in St. Augustine. The best feature of the place would be the outside fire pit with bottomless marshmallows and some of the best roasting sticks I have seen. The band was an oldies band called Flashback - they played a good set or two and came to a close by 10 pm. I pushed the night on through by mandating a second stop for the group at the English Pub on the way home. We played some darts and I felt myself getting cheeky and competitive at the game. I should just call it a night when I get like that. I am like that with bowling too. I get crazy and want to win...to master the game. I lost. As it goes the night was a good night but I was up entirely too late. Lee phoned this morning and I was still in bed waiting for my alarm to go off so I could force myself out of bed to get dressed and pick the children up. I felt like I never really went to sleep.
The kids had also been up late so we took it easy today. They worked on a little homework. I went grocery shopping. Then we had one of my good friend's over with her girls and we made a good try at making Sugar Cookies for Christmas. I am a decent cook but I am out of practice and a little lazy. Only today did I realize that I no longer own a rolling pin. I KNOW I did have one. I know my Aunt Alyce bought me one when I got married and for the life of me I cannot figure out where it ended up in past 12 years. We rolled the dough with a glass.
We topped the night off with dinner at my in-laws. My brother-in-law was there as well - nice because I don't see him often. It was a gentle evening. We really do not have any info from Lee lately. We all miss the skype. The phone conversations are quick chats of details and lack personalization. The focus for us is the arrival in a week of Lee's older brother and family from Khazakstan with his wife and three kids. I can feel the dissapointment that I will be so single- that Lee will not be able to hang with his older brother. Lee has always looked up to him as a mentor and guide and will miss this opportunity to spend time with him.
Tomorrow Hazel goes to the orthodontist for a pre-braces appt. How strange that Lee may never see her with this same set of teeth again. She will be in braces and the twisted tooth that she got from him at birth will be corrected. I must be crazy thinking up all the minute details of life that change with his absence. It just reiterates this feeling of loss and separation--loneliness.
Despite these momentary lapses I am actually getting my Sh*! together and am feeling grounded. I am standing up straight today and getting things done. I had a good cuddle with Liam tonight as I read him more of Treasure Island. He is LOVING this book.
Off to bed because Monday comes quickly.
Friday, December 5, 2008
December 5th --update on Lee
Today was busy. I started the day getting the kids ready for school. I pressed the snooze 3 times but I cannot remember why. Hazel had a field trip to see the first half of the Nutcracker Ballet (the whole thing would be too long apparently). She wanted to dress up a bit because they were going to the Times Union Center downtown. I spent most of last night and this morning helping her find something to wear. She is growing so fast right now. All of her cloths from last year look awkward and small....pulling in the shoulders and difficult to fit over the hips. I pulled a sweater of mine out and we put together an outfit but we were missing shoes. So, prior to getting her to school at 7:35 for her patrol/techno cat duties we had to stop by her Nana's to borrow shoes. Lynda, Hazel and I are all about the same size right now so it is getting easy to borrow.
Once I dropped her off I went back home to finish getting Liam ready. Packed his lunch and helped him study for his vocabulary test. (note...I have mentioned his spelling issues wanted to share how hard he has been working. He is now in speech as well as gifted and has been working hard on spelling. He brought home a 100 yesterday from a spelling test that was difficult--Way to go Liam).
After I dropped Liam off I went to meet a friend for coffee and spiritual refueling. This friend is definitely in my life for a reason. She takes my cynical attitude and liberal views and loves me for them and continues to provide me with spiritual motivation and guidance. I have never met someone more resilient and true to her faith. I usually sigh and roll my eyes at the concept of a joint prayer (I am very private about this sort of thing). She will just laugh and let it roll from her tongue like conversation. She is incredibly bright and gifted. She fueled a good conversation on marriage and love and the work involved and God's plan etc. It was all good and well received.
When I left her I went to FINALLY pick up my Jeep from the body shop. It was filthy and smelly from the work they had done. I really thought they could have at least wiped their greasy paw marks off the inside of the door they replaced. One of the new doors sounds like a tin can when I close it and that worries me. I called the insurance adjuster to ask about it, she did not have any insight really so I am left to hope the car is safe and feel a bit of sadness for this brand new Jeep that is not all that new.
Next, my mother-in-law followed me to the airport to return the rental car. $600 total- ouch. We left the airport and drove to McDuff and Commonwealth to the hazardous waste dump to dispose of Lynda's hazardous waste. She is so dedicated to the environment- I continue to admire her dedication. Not a nice area of town, lots of poverty and I am again amazed that it is always so close, yet so far away.
It is just after noon now and I went to have my hair cut and colored for the Holiday Season. I love my hairdresser. He is very Miami. He calls me doll and gorgeous and is always fretting about being single and the lack of available men in Jacksonville for him. Then he told me this hilarious story about needing to loose 30 pounds in 5 days before he went to Houston to meet a couple of old friends. One of the women stylists ended up taking him to Dillard's to get Spanx (mix of girdle and body tights) instead. He was so funny. He was telling me how he had to cut out the male area to make them practical. Anyway, I was cracking up telling him that it was brilliant but if he ends up in the Emergency Room I hope he has a kind nurse to cut them off his body without taking photos and putting them in the paper!
Hair is good. Picked up the kids. Took Liam to him light therapy and finally came home at 5 tonight. Hazel has a friend over and they just finished painting cardboard for gifts at the kitchen table. Liam played an hour of his Wii and is now in the bath. I pulled out a couple more Christmas boxes but lost momentum halfway through. I miss Lee - I hate putting up outside lights. I just like them to magically appear. And although I have to FORCE him to do it, he eventually gets into it and does a great job.
Lee is still without the ability to do more than e-mail. He only has access to government Internet. He is waiting for his guys to arrive and calls on a calling card (we have had trouble getting the timing right and having a good connection). I think the base he is at is more remote and rustic than he thought it would be. It will be a long 9 months for him. I encourage everyone to send e-mail, letters etc. because the days are long and the missing of family seems great.
I think this post was rather boring. Daily life--101. I have a ton of trash to take out--miss Lee. I miss having another adult in the house. I think I talk to myself in my head....
Once I dropped her off I went back home to finish getting Liam ready. Packed his lunch and helped him study for his vocabulary test. (note...I have mentioned his spelling issues wanted to share how hard he has been working. He is now in speech as well as gifted and has been working hard on spelling. He brought home a 100 yesterday from a spelling test that was difficult--Way to go Liam).
After I dropped Liam off I went to meet a friend for coffee and spiritual refueling. This friend is definitely in my life for a reason. She takes my cynical attitude and liberal views and loves me for them and continues to provide me with spiritual motivation and guidance. I have never met someone more resilient and true to her faith. I usually sigh and roll my eyes at the concept of a joint prayer (I am very private about this sort of thing). She will just laugh and let it roll from her tongue like conversation. She is incredibly bright and gifted. She fueled a good conversation on marriage and love and the work involved and God's plan etc. It was all good and well received.
When I left her I went to FINALLY pick up my Jeep from the body shop. It was filthy and smelly from the work they had done. I really thought they could have at least wiped their greasy paw marks off the inside of the door they replaced. One of the new doors sounds like a tin can when I close it and that worries me. I called the insurance adjuster to ask about it, she did not have any insight really so I am left to hope the car is safe and feel a bit of sadness for this brand new Jeep that is not all that new.
Next, my mother-in-law followed me to the airport to return the rental car. $600 total- ouch. We left the airport and drove to McDuff and Commonwealth to the hazardous waste dump to dispose of Lynda's hazardous waste. She is so dedicated to the environment- I continue to admire her dedication. Not a nice area of town, lots of poverty and I am again amazed that it is always so close, yet so far away.
It is just after noon now and I went to have my hair cut and colored for the Holiday Season. I love my hairdresser. He is very Miami. He calls me doll and gorgeous and is always fretting about being single and the lack of available men in Jacksonville for him. Then he told me this hilarious story about needing to loose 30 pounds in 5 days before he went to Houston to meet a couple of old friends. One of the women stylists ended up taking him to Dillard's to get Spanx (mix of girdle and body tights) instead. He was so funny. He was telling me how he had to cut out the male area to make them practical. Anyway, I was cracking up telling him that it was brilliant but if he ends up in the Emergency Room I hope he has a kind nurse to cut them off his body without taking photos and putting them in the paper!
Hair is good. Picked up the kids. Took Liam to him light therapy and finally came home at 5 tonight. Hazel has a friend over and they just finished painting cardboard for gifts at the kitchen table. Liam played an hour of his Wii and is now in the bath. I pulled out a couple more Christmas boxes but lost momentum halfway through. I miss Lee - I hate putting up outside lights. I just like them to magically appear. And although I have to FORCE him to do it, he eventually gets into it and does a great job.
Lee is still without the ability to do more than e-mail. He only has access to government Internet. He is waiting for his guys to arrive and calls on a calling card (we have had trouble getting the timing right and having a good connection). I think the base he is at is more remote and rustic than he thought it would be. It will be a long 9 months for him. I encourage everyone to send e-mail, letters etc. because the days are long and the missing of family seems great.
I think this post was rather boring. Daily life--101. I have a ton of trash to take out--miss Lee. I miss having another adult in the house. I think I talk to myself in my head....
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
December, elements of frustration and the sky
Spoke with Lee this morning. Good to hear he is safe. Tough to hear how out of touch he is getting. He spoke mostly of speaking to Romanians and getting a resource to learn more Swahili. He enjoys being around the various cultures and comparing their work ethic, food, and language. Beyond that, he is just waiting for the rest of his guys to arrive. I know he will be busy this year but I think there is going to be a lot of down time and that to me will be trouble for him. I told him so...that he needs to start looking for online courses or something to occupy his idle time.
I was frustrated. Lack of things in common. I am taking care of everything here. It has been a good few days. I am over my cold and em looking forward to all the family over the Holiday. The kids and I worked out at the YMCA last night. I had them go to a kids Cardio class. You should have seen the looks I got after the class. They were by far the oldest. Liam loved the Dodge Ball at the end but vows to never do there again. Great. Hazel made it know that the average age was 5. I did however get 45 minutes on the treadmill and felt good. I guess I will have to go when they are in school.
Hazel has a lot of homework this week. She has to write a big formal report for her 5th Grade Gifted Class and also a big report for her regular class. The gifted report is on Elvis and she is nearly done with taking notes on her sources. The class report is on Khazakstan and she is just starting the research. The next few months will be full of deadlines and work for these two reports. Liam has a light work load this week but still two big tests at the end of the week. He is thrilled to have been asked to display his "Sheep" story on the hall wall but had to complete a cover page for the display....more homework.
My sister and I let my Mom is on our plan to bring her to Florida over Christmas. It is our first year without our matriarch, Grandma Irene. My Mom has been responsible for making the Holiday happen for Irene for nearly 40 years now and my sister and I knew this year would be difficult. We are shaking it up a bit for Mom and bringing her to Florida to get some fresh weather, the beach and a different spin on Christmas. She seems thrilled and grateful for the idea of change this year. My sister will stay in Boise and and spend it with her kids and help with my Mom's business. I am lucky that she is there to help take care of the business.
The kids were up late tonight and were able to have a brief chat with Lee. They, however, had just had it out upstairs about some water spill in the bathroom. With only one adult around the banter and arguing of the children can drive me to crazy rather quickly. I was calling them downstairs to talk to their Dad for the first time in a few days and they were taking their time. I felt very irritated. Liam was crying at the top of the stairs and did not want to come down because he did not want his Dad to see him crying (oh Lord....don't worry Liam..you let me see it ALL the time...Dad can handle his 30 seconds). These are the terrible thoughts going through my head. So I sat at the table while they tried to talk to Lee---neither seemed tuned in. I shed a few tears of frustration and felt the weight of being the only parent for a few minutes. They said good night and that was it. Liam and I went up to read more of Treasure Island (he is LOVING this story), and Hazel got it bed to read as well. Another night sorted out. I just have one last walk of the dogs and then I am headed to bed as well.
My truck is still in the shop and I am starting to get concerned. I have this rental car until Saturday. It will be 3 weeks now I have had the rental and 3 weeks I had my in-laws van. So 6 weeks without my car. Sigh...
The sky is very interesting the past couple days. Jupiter and Venus are visible in the night sky to the lower right of the moon. Apparently it only happens like this once every 150 years or so. Liam is already sad that he won't live to see it again and wants pictures. Lee's Dad tried to take a photo of it outside but the camera settings made it very difficult. Shame, poor Liam- he has inherited my sense of lost time and mortality. Anyway, the sky looks strange.
I was frustrated. Lack of things in common. I am taking care of everything here. It has been a good few days. I am over my cold and em looking forward to all the family over the Holiday. The kids and I worked out at the YMCA last night. I had them go to a kids Cardio class. You should have seen the looks I got after the class. They were by far the oldest. Liam loved the Dodge Ball at the end but vows to never do there again. Great. Hazel made it know that the average age was 5. I did however get 45 minutes on the treadmill and felt good. I guess I will have to go when they are in school.
Hazel has a lot of homework this week. She has to write a big formal report for her 5th Grade Gifted Class and also a big report for her regular class. The gifted report is on Elvis and she is nearly done with taking notes on her sources. The class report is on Khazakstan and she is just starting the research. The next few months will be full of deadlines and work for these two reports. Liam has a light work load this week but still two big tests at the end of the week. He is thrilled to have been asked to display his "Sheep" story on the hall wall but had to complete a cover page for the display....more homework.
My sister and I let my Mom is on our plan to bring her to Florida over Christmas. It is our first year without our matriarch, Grandma Irene. My Mom has been responsible for making the Holiday happen for Irene for nearly 40 years now and my sister and I knew this year would be difficult. We are shaking it up a bit for Mom and bringing her to Florida to get some fresh weather, the beach and a different spin on Christmas. She seems thrilled and grateful for the idea of change this year. My sister will stay in Boise and and spend it with her kids and help with my Mom's business. I am lucky that she is there to help take care of the business.
The kids were up late tonight and were able to have a brief chat with Lee. They, however, had just had it out upstairs about some water spill in the bathroom. With only one adult around the banter and arguing of the children can drive me to crazy rather quickly. I was calling them downstairs to talk to their Dad for the first time in a few days and they were taking their time. I felt very irritated. Liam was crying at the top of the stairs and did not want to come down because he did not want his Dad to see him crying (oh Lord....don't worry Liam..you let me see it ALL the time...Dad can handle his 30 seconds). These are the terrible thoughts going through my head. So I sat at the table while they tried to talk to Lee---neither seemed tuned in. I shed a few tears of frustration and felt the weight of being the only parent for a few minutes. They said good night and that was it. Liam and I went up to read more of Treasure Island (he is LOVING this story), and Hazel got it bed to read as well. Another night sorted out. I just have one last walk of the dogs and then I am headed to bed as well.
My truck is still in the shop and I am starting to get concerned. I have this rental car until Saturday. It will be 3 weeks now I have had the rental and 3 weeks I had my in-laws van. So 6 weeks without my car. Sigh...
The sky is very interesting the past couple days. Jupiter and Venus are visible in the night sky to the lower right of the moon. Apparently it only happens like this once every 150 years or so. Liam is already sad that he won't live to see it again and wants pictures. Lee's Dad tried to take a photo of it outside but the camera settings made it very difficult. Shame, poor Liam- he has inherited my sense of lost time and mortality. Anyway, the sky looks strange.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Beyond Thansgiving- thankfully!
My day at work on Friday was a good day. Curiously, it was not an easy day. It was very busy and their were frustrations with the lack of process in the infusion center and miscommunication with the ultrasound staff and emergency room staff who dropped a couple of inappropriate patients on me at the end of the day. I thought, wrongly, that the name of the department would prevent someone from bringing us a patient from a procedure in a stretcher. We don't do stretchers in AMBULATORY infusion. Those were the cases that were difficult.
However, my first task of the day was to go to the ICU to assess a patient that had just arrived from the Emergency Room. I was called on as the PICC nurse to put a line is him. (For those of you who have no idea what this means or entails I will give you a short description"
However, my first task of the day was to go to the ICU to assess a patient that had just arrived from the Emergency Room. I was called on as the PICC nurse to put a line is him. (For those of you who have no idea what this means or entails I will give you a short description"
- PICC - Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter - Simply, there is an assessment process because it is a bedside procedure of placing a IV line that is about 40 cm long into the upper arm. The line terminates in the SVC (directly above the R. Atrium). It can stay in place for up to a year and run multiple infusions. When people have terrible veins and are very ill they are a godsend. The assessment process included looking at justification for an invasive procedure, infection risks , bleeding risks and possible anatomy issues. I place the line with bedside ultra sound to locate and access the vein and x-ray to confirm placement in the SVC.
My story for today has nothing to do with the situation I ended up in but I thought it might be interesting to let you all know what I do at work these days. I digress.
I walked into the room to find a normal situation. Patient in bed, elderly and ill. He was awake and I greeted him. He was in some discomfort and I new from reading his chart that he was end stage colo-rectal cancer. In the chair next to him was what I assumed to be his wife. She was the one who caught my eye and grabbed my heart. I went to her and could see that she was very tired. I asked her if she had been in the hospital all night. She stated that her neighbor had brought her behind the ambulance after she had called rescue on her husband. I offered to get her some coffee or juice. She leaned forward and rubbed her right knee and asked if I could get her two extra-strength Tylenol because she has arthritis and did not bring any in the rush to get to the hospital. Then I knew I was getting in to a difficult spot. She told me how she did not drive, she was 89 and last time he was in the hospital for 18 days she stayed the entire time. She said she washed up in his bathroom. Of course it is totally against the rules for me to get ANY medication and give it to a patent's family member. But really, how could someone just leave this woman?
I spent 30 minutes going floor to floor and secretaries desk to secretaries desk looking for Tylenol. I ended up with one Tylenol and two Motrin. I knew she probably would not take Motrin (it probably upsets her stomach--which was confirmed when I returned). During that 30 minutes I ran into the charge nurse for the floor and the case manager who know me well from when I worked on the floor. They know how I occasionally get very attached and were not surprised when I voiced my concerns about this woman and her situation. They were looking at me, my sterile garb and saying , but Nicole aren't you a PICC nurse now? Yes, yes but if I don't figure out what this situation is for this woman no one else will and I will feel terrible.
At this time I have no idea if there are children or friends that help her but I thought it would be in her best interest to have it looked into. I did bring her the Tylenol which she took and then let me know that her neighbor was going to bring her other medications for her in the afternoon. I asked her if they loved close by and it happens that they live about an with of a mile from me in a retirement community. I then offered that if she needed a ride home for a shower I would help her. She nodded but did not ask any more.
I went about my day. The patient ended up not needing the PICC line. Other access was established earlier that morning.
In the afternoon I received a text page that the patient in room number ### was not doing well and I might want to stop by. I quickly went to the room. Apparently the nurse taking care of the patient got the impression that I knew this couple very well and would be included in the situation. I informed the nurse that I did not even know their name and had never met them before but felt a strong need and would be happy to help them. The nurse then tells me that the patient is on the max amount of epi (not good) and his pressures are running in the 60's (really not good) and that he signed a DNR earlier that day. The nurse was concerned about he wife who he learned had only been married to the patient for 3 years and was very upset. I asked if there were any children and little was known but I was told that the patient's son was on his way but they did not know when her would arrive.
I walked into the room and went to the side of the patient. He was laying on his side toward the door. He wife was in the recliner behind him on the other side of the room. The neighbor ( a man in his 70's) was sitting next to her. The monitors were on, the room was dimly lit. It was obvious that they did not know what to do. I grabbed the the patient' s hand which was like ice and put it between my hands. I knelt down to his side and he looked at me. I told him that my name was Nicole and I had met him earlier that morning. I smiled at him with sincere gravity and asked him if he was comfortable. He did not say anything but I could see that he was not. I asked him if he was in pain. He said his back hurt. I took one of my hands and held his shoulder and told him not to worry, I would get something for his pain. He believed me and relaxed at the prospect. Next, I went to his wife and and knelt next to her and looked her in the eye and asked her how she was. She told me how upset she was then started talking about the blood pressures. I know they did not mean much to her per say but understood that the physicians communicated the finality of the situation in terms of his low BP's and and the max amount of epinepherine he was already on. I know that low BP meant death and that is what she had as knowledge. I was suprised that the patient was still alert with the pressures he was sustaining.
I asked her if she had eaten today. She told me no, that she couldn't, but she had coffee. I told her that I was going to stay with them awhile and help make her husband comfortable. She seemed happy to have me there and I felt for a moment like I had known this family my entire life. I was caring for my grandmother or grandfather and doing it with experience and grace. The knowledge that I COULD make him more comfortable drove me to do three things. First, I stepped out of the room and asked the nurse if he minded if I got engaged int he process. He looked grateful. He is a great nurse but happens to be very new (still in orientation). I asked about the patient's pain meds and when he was next due and then asked him to call the physician to get him an increase, quickly. Then I made a quick mixture of lotion and Vaseline and warmed it in a Ziploc under hot water. I then asked the patient's wife if she would like to sit closer to her husband (she did) and I moved her chair to the side of his face and put his hand in hers. (In the hospital family are so concerned about getting in the way of the staff that they do not know how and when it is OK to get close to the bed and patient--this was the time to encourage her to do this.) I spent about five minutes on the other side of the bed giving the patient a gentle back rub with the warm lotion.
He relaxed. His next BP reading was 120/70 and sadly I knew the end was near. Sadly, because the wife and neighbor and other nurse thought he was coming back....being cured. This often happens at the end, there is a final surge the body does of being very alert and vital looking really good. This happened right before they finally drop. Anyway, he as comfortable. No more pain medicine had arrived but I was feeling okay knowing that he was settling in. His breathing started to change and I took a deep breath and sat close by with a hand on his back and shoulder. His heart rate began to drop. I could tell he was going. I could also tell that I was the only one in the room who could tell this was happenidng. I gently stroked the patient's head and told him it was okay. At that moment his son arrived. I made eye contact with him and he could tell. I told him to come close and speak to his father, that he was going. He quickly leaned in. His father opened his eyes and the grown son told his Dad that he loved him. He places kisses on his forehead. He began to cry- silently. I looked at the nurse who was at the door and mouthed that he should turn the monitor off. At that point the patient's monitor showed what we all new...asystole. He was gone.
I felt a surge of peace. I felt fortunate to have made him comfortable and to have been present at this most private and important time. I felt honored. The wife still sat there. I realized she did not know. I called her by her name and she looked at me and I told her that he had passed. She wailed and fell into him and my tears came streaming with hers. The neighbor was sobbing and saying what a great man he was and how he had adopted this man as his own father for the past three years. I realized how little I knew about these people. I asked the nurse to call the Chaplain and kept my hand on the passing patient. The patient's wife asked me why I was "rubbing his arm etc" and I felt a little awkward. Did I look like a total nut? I briefly recalled how I did this to my Grandmother this summer when I went to her viewing. She had been gone for over 24 hours and was frozen solid. I still rubber her arms. I guess I did not want the patient (whether in body or spirit) to feel like I would not give them love. I did not want them to think that they were gross or untouchable because they were dead. I feel strongly about that. I could still feel the presence of this man and did not want to cast his temple aside. (Am I being dramatic?--[probably...but these are things I feel strongly about---no matter how strange])
Well, the son gave me hug after I stood at the bedside and took part in a final prayer with the family. I began to realize that I was a nurse and not a part of the family and while I was absorbed and moved I was there to guide and provide structure to the process. I left he room and left them to mourn. I then went to the charge nurse and discussed details with her. Apparently the wife's children were on their way but would not arrive until 6. I asked if she could contact the House Supervisor to see about keeping him in the room until then. Sometimes in the hospital we can move a body within the hour from room to morgue. That always freaks me out a little. Let the body rest people! She said she would see what she could do.
I left the floor, back to the infusion center to take care of the last few patient's of the day. I felt drained and little frustrated with myself. I was able to maneuver myself through that experience with confidence and understanding. This is a feeling I rarely have in my current nursing role. I felt called in a way to that bedside and am frustrated with my inability to persue the calling. I have felt this way at many a final breath over the past four years. I have been given the title of "resident Hospice Nurse" in jest. Yet, I continue to avoid the change or prospect of change to pursue a nursing position in Hospice or Palliative Care.
I am sharing this story with you so that if you speak to me and we are talking about what I should do when I grow up you might remind me that I have skills and a gift in a particular area and at some point it might being me great happiness to utilize them in the workplace.
---Saturday, today was another good day. We had a lazy morning at home. Liam played with a friend int eh afternoon while Hazel and I ran some errands. Then we all went to R's house to celebrate her boys' Birthdays. Liam stayed to spend the night and Hazel and I went to our other friends' house for dinner. We brought Hazel's old Easy Bake Oven and helped their little girl make some cookies ( a big hit). It was a really nice evening. I am blessed with great friends. At home I now have Hazel asleep in my bed and the dogs ready for yet another walk........the cat ready for food and the big dog scooting her bottom across my floor (yuck!) My Florida Room Christmas lights are up! I do still need to start the inside decorating- maybe tomorrow? I am also out of matching socks and comfotable underwear so laundry duty (my least favorite think in this world) is calling my Sunday as well.
--Hazel and I had a good phone call from Lee this afternoon. He is heading out from his current location and should be contacting me from a more permanent base soon. It will be nice to have him settle in and get into some sort of routine. Hopefully with a good broadband connection. Cross your fingers. --
Next morn....call from Lee at his permanent location. He is safe. He has his own room. He will get some sleep and then set up his internet later in the day.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thanksgiving 2008
This is the second Thanksgiving in my life that I did not eat Turkey.
The first time was when I was a freshman in college and had decided to become vegetarian. I remember that time fondly due to the purple suede boots and overalls that I lived in. I flew to New Jersey to spend Thanksgiving with a childhood friend. We had not seen each other for over 8 years. There are not a lot of Jersey girls in the area they lived (Ramsey/Upper Saddle River) that were eating tofurkey for Thanksgiving. I think I enjoyed the contrast but I understand now how our long distance friendship melted away after that visit.
This year, it simply was just not part of the schedule. I worked today and was actually rather busy. The deal was, once we treated all the patients on the schedule and completed all the PICC line insertions we could close the infusion center. There are frequently days when we have only one or two PICC orders to fill but today was rather busy. The nurse I was working with was eager to get out of there because she had a lot of famly coming to her home in the afternoon. We kept a steady pace and when 2:00 pm rolled around I told her to go home and I would finish up the last orders. I ended up leaving around 4 pm. I called to see if the kids were home yet and they were not. I went home and walked the dogs.
Lee had called me almost frantically a couple times today. He was tired in his last message and asked me to phone him on his cell even though we both know the cost of that call is probably insane. I think we need to get calling cards. I called him after work and woke him up but he was happy to hear from me. He said the Army put together a really nice meal. He really wants to get in touch with the kids tomorrow so I hope he is able to reach them at his Mom's. They will be there tomorrow again while I am at work.
Working as a single parent feels terrible. My in-laws are amazing and dedicated and the kids love being with them. I, however, feel totally out of touch. All I can think today is "what kind of mother does not help create Thanksgiving for her children". I feel like tradition and Holidays are one of my primary roles as a parent. This year I feel like a total failure. I usually make yeast rolls from scratch and Hazel loves to help and be a part of the process. Liam and Hazel both like the smells from the kitchen and the look of the big bird. I feel sad today that I have missed this Thanksgiving with them, and with Lee and I don't want to do it again. My life feels totally torn apart with the deployment. I feel like I am drifting and unable to get grounded. I hope the whole year does not feel this way. I was thinking of how good it felt when the kids were really little to be absorbed in their schedules, naps, and meal and how easy it was for me to enjoy that schedule with Lee. We had nice evenings managing our little garden in Oregon and settling in each evening.
The next Holiday to get through is Christmas. Another Holiday I love. This weekend is when I need to get the house put together and put the tree up and decorate. I am going to try hard to pull myself together but frankly I am feeling like it is going to be difficult. Tonight I am easily finding tears, sad that my husband is about to cross into Iraq and feeling the internal fear that every day he will be at risk . Learning to not think this way is difficult. In light of massive terrorist bombings in India yesterday and the way the western world is despised I worry and fear his work. It is another time when I wonder how in the hell we got from point A (courting and marriage) to this place. It seems so crazy.
Yes, I am feeling heavy today but the kindness of others lightens me. Although I did not have Turkey today I have done a pretty good job on a fabulous pumpkin pie my neighbors brought me last night. My neighbor makes crust like my Aunt Alyce which is hard to describe but it unbelievable. I have enjoyed the pie today and the freedom to eat it for my dinner! Hazel spent the night last night with our other friends who invited me around to eat tonight. However, the little dog rolled in armadillo poop when we went ot see the kids and I had to come home to clean him. I am hankful for all the people who have made the day wonderful for my kids and I. I am thankful for the opportunity to take care of the sick people I took care of today. I am thankful for the few minutes I had with my husband on the phone today. And now...I will just look forward to a big meal that I will cook in 2009!!
The first time was when I was a freshman in college and had decided to become vegetarian. I remember that time fondly due to the purple suede boots and overalls that I lived in. I flew to New Jersey to spend Thanksgiving with a childhood friend. We had not seen each other for over 8 years. There are not a lot of Jersey girls in the area they lived (Ramsey/Upper Saddle River) that were eating tofurkey for Thanksgiving. I think I enjoyed the contrast but I understand now how our long distance friendship melted away after that visit.
This year, it simply was just not part of the schedule. I worked today and was actually rather busy. The deal was, once we treated all the patients on the schedule and completed all the PICC line insertions we could close the infusion center. There are frequently days when we have only one or two PICC orders to fill but today was rather busy. The nurse I was working with was eager to get out of there because she had a lot of famly coming to her home in the afternoon. We kept a steady pace and when 2:00 pm rolled around I told her to go home and I would finish up the last orders. I ended up leaving around 4 pm. I called to see if the kids were home yet and they were not. I went home and walked the dogs.
Lee had called me almost frantically a couple times today. He was tired in his last message and asked me to phone him on his cell even though we both know the cost of that call is probably insane. I think we need to get calling cards. I called him after work and woke him up but he was happy to hear from me. He said the Army put together a really nice meal. He really wants to get in touch with the kids tomorrow so I hope he is able to reach them at his Mom's. They will be there tomorrow again while I am at work.
Working as a single parent feels terrible. My in-laws are amazing and dedicated and the kids love being with them. I, however, feel totally out of touch. All I can think today is "what kind of mother does not help create Thanksgiving for her children". I feel like tradition and Holidays are one of my primary roles as a parent. This year I feel like a total failure. I usually make yeast rolls from scratch and Hazel loves to help and be a part of the process. Liam and Hazel both like the smells from the kitchen and the look of the big bird. I feel sad today that I have missed this Thanksgiving with them, and with Lee and I don't want to do it again. My life feels totally torn apart with the deployment. I feel like I am drifting and unable to get grounded. I hope the whole year does not feel this way. I was thinking of how good it felt when the kids were really little to be absorbed in their schedules, naps, and meal and how easy it was for me to enjoy that schedule with Lee. We had nice evenings managing our little garden in Oregon and settling in each evening.
The next Holiday to get through is Christmas. Another Holiday I love. This weekend is when I need to get the house put together and put the tree up and decorate. I am going to try hard to pull myself together but frankly I am feeling like it is going to be difficult. Tonight I am easily finding tears, sad that my husband is about to cross into Iraq and feeling the internal fear that every day he will be at risk . Learning to not think this way is difficult. In light of massive terrorist bombings in India yesterday and the way the western world is despised I worry and fear his work. It is another time when I wonder how in the hell we got from point A (courting and marriage) to this place. It seems so crazy.
Yes, I am feeling heavy today but the kindness of others lightens me. Although I did not have Turkey today I have done a pretty good job on a fabulous pumpkin pie my neighbors brought me last night. My neighbor makes crust like my Aunt Alyce which is hard to describe but it unbelievable. I have enjoyed the pie today and the freedom to eat it for my dinner! Hazel spent the night last night with our other friends who invited me around to eat tonight. However, the little dog rolled in armadillo poop when we went ot see the kids and I had to come home to clean him. I am hankful for all the people who have made the day wonderful for my kids and I. I am thankful for the opportunity to take care of the sick people I took care of today. I am thankful for the few minutes I had with my husband on the phone today. And now...I will just look forward to a big meal that I will cook in 2009!!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Gas, weather and Thanks
Gas prices and the weather report. Both incredibly interesting to me.
My favorite gas station (and the least convenient) is an old Kangaroo station across the street from the Mayo Clinic. Because I work there and I take Liam there three times a week for light therapy I am able to keep a good eye on the gas there. While my Dad was here he got into it as well and it was a common topic. Yesterday Gas was down to 1.81 a gallon.
The weather is unbelievable right now. High today should be about 67 F and the lows seem to be in the upper 40's or low 50's. What is best about this time of year in Florida is the lack of humidity. During the summer it is oppressive and incredibly irritating. This morning I am able to open the back sliding glass and enjoy the fresh air. Of course the experience is thwarted by my barking dogs and fear that the big dog will blast through the screen to chew on some random dog's neck (she has done this before). But, I love the air and someday I hope to live in a place where I have a safe back yard with a fence so that the dogs will be able to roam outside a bit while I keep my doors open.
I have a cold. I ache and my dripping nose is relentless. I took some Motrin this morning and am feeling a lot better.
It is two days before Thanksgiving. Being a hospital nurse requires you to work at least one major and one minor Holiday each year. This year I am working Thanksgiving. I am always grateful when I don't have to work Christmas. I don't know it I could do it. My in-laws and the kids will be going to the Hinder's house. They are great friend's of my in-laws and are always generous with their invites for these occasions. They have two grandsons that my kids have known for years and enjoy. They only see these boys a few times a year but good times are always in order. The older boy is Hazel's age and is growing to be one of the sweetest boys I have ever known. He and Hazel run around in their pre-teen way that makes us all laugh. He is the only boy I could say I have seen her with a "crush" on; but that would ruin it. She really just enjoys his sweet ways....always a hug and lots of attention. They run around the garden and string Christmas lights and spy on adults. I know she is looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I was able to chat a little with Lee yesterday. We tried to skype this morning with the kids home but his connection kept getting dropped and there was no video. Hazel was trying very hard to type a description of the bungee event at the church "lock-in" last Friday. I know she wanted to tell Lee this because it is something she knows he would admire her for doing. Rappelling etc...Anyway..I don't think he had a clue what she was talking about. I say him test one question... Who's birthday was it? --Lost in communication. I woke Liam up telling him to come down quickly so he could skype with Dad. He was disappointed that the line kept getting dropped and he did not get to talk to him.
I am trying to get excited and motivated for the Christmas season. I do love the Holidays. However, my energy is a bit low. I am making progress on the shopping but need to buy a tree (artificial--allergies) and pull the boxes down to decorate. I should probably invite some people over to help because the idea of doing it alone is making me sad. Christmas Eve without Lee is making me sad as well. I think I will make a point to have everything ready well before so that I don't have to feel the Christmas Eve rush and late night solo. I know it will be difficult for him as well. I am working on his Christmas box that needs to be sent by Dec. 4th for it to arrive at the base in Iraq for Christmas. Simply put, a lot to organize for a fairly unorganized woman!
I close today with a blessing. I met a fellow nurse at the store this morning. We both were wearing our sweats/ pajamas. I was buying a pie to take to Hazel's class for a party and she was getting stuffing to make for 50 kids by 11am. We were talking about how fortunate we are to be nurses and have the ability to work yet be present in the daily school life of our children. Becoming a nurse was a very good choice for me. I am so blessed with flexibility. With Lee gone I am very aware of the importance of time with the kids and being present in their life. It would be painful to not be able to be inthe school with the kids because I was at work all day. For my career, I am grateful.
My favorite gas station (and the least convenient) is an old Kangaroo station across the street from the Mayo Clinic. Because I work there and I take Liam there three times a week for light therapy I am able to keep a good eye on the gas there. While my Dad was here he got into it as well and it was a common topic. Yesterday Gas was down to 1.81 a gallon.
The weather is unbelievable right now. High today should be about 67 F and the lows seem to be in the upper 40's or low 50's. What is best about this time of year in Florida is the lack of humidity. During the summer it is oppressive and incredibly irritating. This morning I am able to open the back sliding glass and enjoy the fresh air. Of course the experience is thwarted by my barking dogs and fear that the big dog will blast through the screen to chew on some random dog's neck (she has done this before). But, I love the air and someday I hope to live in a place where I have a safe back yard with a fence so that the dogs will be able to roam outside a bit while I keep my doors open.
I have a cold. I ache and my dripping nose is relentless. I took some Motrin this morning and am feeling a lot better.
It is two days before Thanksgiving. Being a hospital nurse requires you to work at least one major and one minor Holiday each year. This year I am working Thanksgiving. I am always grateful when I don't have to work Christmas. I don't know it I could do it. My in-laws and the kids will be going to the Hinder's house. They are great friend's of my in-laws and are always generous with their invites for these occasions. They have two grandsons that my kids have known for years and enjoy. They only see these boys a few times a year but good times are always in order. The older boy is Hazel's age and is growing to be one of the sweetest boys I have ever known. He and Hazel run around in their pre-teen way that makes us all laugh. He is the only boy I could say I have seen her with a "crush" on; but that would ruin it. She really just enjoys his sweet ways....always a hug and lots of attention. They run around the garden and string Christmas lights and spy on adults. I know she is looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I was able to chat a little with Lee yesterday. We tried to skype this morning with the kids home but his connection kept getting dropped and there was no video. Hazel was trying very hard to type a description of the bungee event at the church "lock-in" last Friday. I know she wanted to tell Lee this because it is something she knows he would admire her for doing. Rappelling etc...Anyway..I don't think he had a clue what she was talking about. I say him test one question... Who's birthday was it? --Lost in communication. I woke Liam up telling him to come down quickly so he could skype with Dad. He was disappointed that the line kept getting dropped and he did not get to talk to him.
I am trying to get excited and motivated for the Christmas season. I do love the Holidays. However, my energy is a bit low. I am making progress on the shopping but need to buy a tree (artificial--allergies) and pull the boxes down to decorate. I should probably invite some people over to help because the idea of doing it alone is making me sad. Christmas Eve without Lee is making me sad as well. I think I will make a point to have everything ready well before so that I don't have to feel the Christmas Eve rush and late night solo. I know it will be difficult for him as well. I am working on his Christmas box that needs to be sent by Dec. 4th for it to arrive at the base in Iraq for Christmas. Simply put, a lot to organize for a fairly unorganized woman!
I close today with a blessing. I met a fellow nurse at the store this morning. We both were wearing our sweats/ pajamas. I was buying a pie to take to Hazel's class for a party and she was getting stuffing to make for 50 kids by 11am. We were talking about how fortunate we are to be nurses and have the ability to work yet be present in the daily school life of our children. Becoming a nurse was a very good choice for me. I am so blessed with flexibility. With Lee gone I am very aware of the importance of time with the kids and being present in their life. It would be painful to not be able to be inthe school with the kids because I was at work all day. For my career, I am grateful.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Body Combat and the Hot Water Bottle
I finally made it to the exercise class at the YMCA that I had been talking about. Body Combat. I never have been much for gym type classes. My ADD kicks in at about half way and it is all I can do to follow the steps. Of course taking Body Combat was even harder because I was having so much trouble taking it seriously. I have never done martial arts and I am horrifically out of shape. Add to that my outfit scenario and I was giggling inside the entire time. I wore one of Lee's t-shirts (Flogging Molly t-shirt) and a pair of exercise pants that are khaki with paint stains from my last project. Most of the women in the class were in some sort of work out short and a tank top so I felt rather bulky. The instructor of course had on her fighting gear including the fingerless combat gloves. I think I need some of those.
The class was fine. I survived. Next time (if there is one) I will bring my water bottle. Today is Sunday, I took the class on Friday. I am still sore. My arms and shoulders are so stiff it is difficult to put my shirt on. So I guess I need to go back and do it again. I met a friend from the kids' school who I have known for a long time. She and her family practice martial arts but she does this class for exercise. It was nice that she kept inviting me even though I did not seem very interested. Her invite made me finally get there which at this stage in my brain is the majority of the battle. The start, the get there, the just do it.
I am working this weekend so the kids have been under Nana's authority. Liam spent the night with our good friends and his buddy on Friday night and stayed Saturday with them as well. Hazel went to a "lock-in" at a local Church with a group of friends and had a very late but fun night doing things like body Velcro and running around like crazy. She took a nap and did some deal shopping on Saturday with Nana. They were at the house last night when I got home and we all got to talk to Lee in skype while he sat in Ireland waiting for his next flight to Kuwait. He seems grounded and rather calm. His humour is in full form and he has been great about texting me and keeping my up on where he is in the travel to the Middle East. I received a text early this morning that he has landed in Kuwait.
Our home has single pane windows and it is really cold at night right now. Getting into bed is an issue. My feet are cold, my sheets are cold, my bedroom is cold and there are little doggie pee stains on my white carpet that irritate me and won't come out. I can't do anything about the pee pee dog stains just yet so I have a new habit of sitting in a hot bath before I get into bed. Next, I fill my hot water bottle and put it in my sheets. When I get in it is a little warmer and I put my little dog on the top of me feet and settle into my little nest. This is replacing my husband who has warm feet and legs. I usually get in the bed with my cold feet and stick them on his calves to warm them up. He flinches but allows it, feeling badly for my cold feet and characteristically pleased with the affection. Can you call that affection? Anyway, I miss my human hot water bottle but am figuring things out.
At work, thinking more frequently about going back to school doing my Masters in Nursing, Adult Nurse Practitioner. I will see how things go. Maybe I will do that when Lee returns. One year, full time.
The class was fine. I survived. Next time (if there is one) I will bring my water bottle. Today is Sunday, I took the class on Friday. I am still sore. My arms and shoulders are so stiff it is difficult to put my shirt on. So I guess I need to go back and do it again. I met a friend from the kids' school who I have known for a long time. She and her family practice martial arts but she does this class for exercise. It was nice that she kept inviting me even though I did not seem very interested. Her invite made me finally get there which at this stage in my brain is the majority of the battle. The start, the get there, the just do it.
I am working this weekend so the kids have been under Nana's authority. Liam spent the night with our good friends and his buddy on Friday night and stayed Saturday with them as well. Hazel went to a "lock-in" at a local Church with a group of friends and had a very late but fun night doing things like body Velcro and running around like crazy. She took a nap and did some deal shopping on Saturday with Nana. They were at the house last night when I got home and we all got to talk to Lee in skype while he sat in Ireland waiting for his next flight to Kuwait. He seems grounded and rather calm. His humour is in full form and he has been great about texting me and keeping my up on where he is in the travel to the Middle East. I received a text early this morning that he has landed in Kuwait.
Our home has single pane windows and it is really cold at night right now. Getting into bed is an issue. My feet are cold, my sheets are cold, my bedroom is cold and there are little doggie pee stains on my white carpet that irritate me and won't come out. I can't do anything about the pee pee dog stains just yet so I have a new habit of sitting in a hot bath before I get into bed. Next, I fill my hot water bottle and put it in my sheets. When I get in it is a little warmer and I put my little dog on the top of me feet and settle into my little nest. This is replacing my husband who has warm feet and legs. I usually get in the bed with my cold feet and stick them on his calves to warm them up. He flinches but allows it, feeling badly for my cold feet and characteristically pleased with the affection. Can you call that affection? Anyway, I miss my human hot water bottle but am figuring things out.
At work, thinking more frequently about going back to school doing my Masters in Nursing, Adult Nurse Practitioner. I will see how things go. Maybe I will do that when Lee returns. One year, full time.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Lee came home on pass. He will be back next October.
Lee came home for a couple of days prior to actually deploying out of the country later this week. It was good. It as hard. It felt like saying good-bye forever. It was very emotional for Lee and I. I think we were often gripping hands and touching shoulders as if the "ship was sinking". In retrospect, it was nice to know the extent of love when the ship is sinking.
Liam has basically shut down emotionally. I know he and Lee shared tears when Lee dropped him off at school yesterday morning. Now, I cannot even get eye contact with Liam. He is distracted and distant and more "otherwise" than usual. Hazel continues to be focused on school but is easily irritated and upset at my lack of focus on her. She is trying very hard to pull me in and tell me every detail of every moment of her day. I frankly, have not been a great listener. I hope my emotional focus returns soon.
Lee missed a connecting flight on his way back to base. Of course, he was in the bar with a few other soldiers. I really came down on him for this. My feeling is ...hey, you are 34 years old. You are sacrificing your time and dedication to your family to do this Army thing. We are doing everything that is asked us us to support you--sacrificing left and right so that you are able to be a soldier. So, you had better take it seriously. You had better be the best you can be. Missing your flight while drinking with soldiers you are supposed to be taking care of does not fit the bill. I know leaving yesterday was tough for him--but to shut it out and just move on in that way felt very disrespectful. Anyway, I ended up getting at him via text messages and now he has totally shut down. We probably won't hear from him for a few days. Hopefully, when we do, he will be working hard preparing to keep he and his soldiers safe and effective in their travels.
Back at home. I feel lost. Don't know what to do next. I just sit and struggle for the next stage of the day. I have a million things that need sorted out...Hazel's Ballet studio change, Thanksgiving, Christmas, dog grooming, dental appointments and bills. The kids have science night at school tonight. I have papers to grade for Hazel's class. The dogs are full of energy and need a good, long walk. I promised myself that I would go to the YMCA and exercise today. This is how it gets for me in these transitions. It takes a couple of days. I am still crying on demand; trying to pull myself together.
I hope my husband comes back in one piece. I hope he does not loose his mind. I hope he is still the husband and father that we knew yesterday when he left. This is what being Iraq is like for a normal American family. I wonder how many Americans really understand what this is like?
Liam has basically shut down emotionally. I know he and Lee shared tears when Lee dropped him off at school yesterday morning. Now, I cannot even get eye contact with Liam. He is distracted and distant and more "otherwise" than usual. Hazel continues to be focused on school but is easily irritated and upset at my lack of focus on her. She is trying very hard to pull me in and tell me every detail of every moment of her day. I frankly, have not been a great listener. I hope my emotional focus returns soon.
Lee missed a connecting flight on his way back to base. Of course, he was in the bar with a few other soldiers. I really came down on him for this. My feeling is ...hey, you are 34 years old. You are sacrificing your time and dedication to your family to do this Army thing. We are doing everything that is asked us us to support you--sacrificing left and right so that you are able to be a soldier. So, you had better take it seriously. You had better be the best you can be. Missing your flight while drinking with soldiers you are supposed to be taking care of does not fit the bill. I know leaving yesterday was tough for him--but to shut it out and just move on in that way felt very disrespectful. Anyway, I ended up getting at him via text messages and now he has totally shut down. We probably won't hear from him for a few days. Hopefully, when we do, he will be working hard preparing to keep he and his soldiers safe and effective in their travels.
Back at home. I feel lost. Don't know what to do next. I just sit and struggle for the next stage of the day. I have a million things that need sorted out...Hazel's Ballet studio change, Thanksgiving, Christmas, dog grooming, dental appointments and bills. The kids have science night at school tonight. I have papers to grade for Hazel's class. The dogs are full of energy and need a good, long walk. I promised myself that I would go to the YMCA and exercise today. This is how it gets for me in these transitions. It takes a couple of days. I am still crying on demand; trying to pull myself together.
I hope my husband comes back in one piece. I hope he does not loose his mind. I hope he is still the husband and father that we knew yesterday when he left. This is what being Iraq is like for a normal American family. I wonder how many Americans really understand what this is like?
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Papa's Coming Home
Sometimes I wish we were a Spanish family and the Dad of the family would always be called Papa. I find it so sweet to hear small children and babies talking about their Papa. It is more strange and sometimes confusing to hear grown children continue to call their Father Papa. Anyway you look at it, it adds a certain grace to the coming and going of the father/husband in a house.
Today was spent running the kids here and there, ballet, sleep-overs, friend's houses. It also included a trip to the grocery store, airport (rental car and Lee's parents return), Toys R Us, gas station and two trips to the community trash. There were also 4 walks with the dogs, water fight with the neighbor boys, and computer typing and editing of Hazel's paper that is due Monday. One trip to take the kids to see their Nana and Papa (oh....we do have a Papa....). Liam got a game of Chess in with Papa and a cuddle with Nana on the couch while H chewed her nails and I ran yet another errand to pick up coffee and dog food. Lots of running around today. We have plans to settle in a bit in the morning and do a small tidy until we hear when Lee will actually arrive. The kids are looking forward to the visit although they are not impressed with the short length of the stay.
I, wife, am hoping Lee is not to wound up and his expectations for a grand homecoming are not beyond what I can put together. I am rarely able to meet his expectations. That can be frustrating (right Lee?). Anyway, we have a nice neighbor who heard Lee was coming in for a couple days and promptly brought over a nice bottle of Champagne. Sweet of them. It will be enjoyed.
This WILL be the final send off before he actually gets to Iraq. Now we are just hoping he can convince the airline to let him on the early flight. It seems like such a waste of a day to have him arrive at 5:30 pm.
Today was spent running the kids here and there, ballet, sleep-overs, friend's houses. It also included a trip to the grocery store, airport (rental car and Lee's parents return), Toys R Us, gas station and two trips to the community trash. There were also 4 walks with the dogs, water fight with the neighbor boys, and computer typing and editing of Hazel's paper that is due Monday. One trip to take the kids to see their Nana and Papa (oh....we do have a Papa....). Liam got a game of Chess in with Papa and a cuddle with Nana on the couch while H chewed her nails and I ran yet another errand to pick up coffee and dog food. Lots of running around today. We have plans to settle in a bit in the morning and do a small tidy until we hear when Lee will actually arrive. The kids are looking forward to the visit although they are not impressed with the short length of the stay.
I, wife, am hoping Lee is not to wound up and his expectations for a grand homecoming are not beyond what I can put together. I am rarely able to meet his expectations. That can be frustrating (right Lee?). Anyway, we have a nice neighbor who heard Lee was coming in for a couple days and promptly brought over a nice bottle of Champagne. Sweet of them. It will be enjoyed.
This WILL be the final send off before he actually gets to Iraq. Now we are just hoping he can convince the airline to let him on the early flight. It seems like such a waste of a day to have him arrive at 5:30 pm.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Entry and Exit and making choices
Last night my deployed husband and I started a dance that we do frequently. In the end I was writing a fairly depressing post. Today I am feeling much better. That is part of the dance. Since it is my friends and family reading this blog many do have insight to my situation. Some, I have not known very long so only have part of the picture. In the end, our situation is our situation and we (Lee and I) are continually trying to renegotiate emotional safety and common ground. Frequent military leave and re-entry is stressful for all military families. This always seems to be compounded for Lee and I.
A long time ago Lee wrote a blog about why he joined the Army National Guard. It is well phrased and insightful. However, it does not really discuss the home front dance during that time and beyond. Human need for acceptance and growth are fundamental and very interesting. Especially with Lee and I.
When we met we were 21 (me) and 20 (Lee). I was in my final year of College studying Biology with medical school on my mind. I was dedicated and academic. Lee was new from South Africa and had spent three month In Alaska in a tent. He was searching for adventure while keeping a forward momentum with school. He was studying Political Science and Economics which came naturally to him. I was forward and confident pursued him from the beginning. He was interested and willing and open to my excitability. He seemed to find my bold presence refreshing and my academic focus ...well...honorable ...valuable. I liked the feedback. He was a dream. Totally exotic with long hair, and accent, odd sleeping hours, lots of books, little anxiety or stress. Fascinating. Not much would phase him in these days. If he wore a watch he rarely looked at it. Anyway, for some reason we fit. He was obviously very bright and that was attractive to me. He kept appearing in places I was and was really thrilled to run into me every time.
After a year of being together nearly all the time we moved in together. We lived above a coffee shop. I had graduated from college and was working full time. He was finishing his last year. I took a ballet class in the evenings and Lee worked harder on his studies and worked for the recycling plant on campus. Lee went to Israel to study for a month. When he returned, I proposed and we were engaged. Lee graduated and we planned trip to South Africa to meet his family. We loved traveling together. We had a great time. We decided to move to Oregon and get jobs and plan a wedding for the next December when his brother and family would be able to come. We married in December of 1996 in Boise, Idaho. I had decided not to go to Medical School. I think I felt like it was too expensive and would take too long. I did not have exposure to the medical world and I did not have any connections. I could not figure out how I would make it financially if I went to medical school. I worked teaching math, English and computers at a business school. Lee took a job in an office with computers and data management that was initially a temp job but grew as people realized how bright he was. He did not have a plan or dream of what to do beyond that. He fantasized about being a river guide at times or having a business of his own. But, he did not have plans in these areas. We were a little aimless in the career area. We were settling in Oregon. We liked it there. We made a few friends. Then we were pregnant with Hazel!
So it goes like this. We had Hazel. Lee worked really hard to support us. I stayed home and put all I had into Hazel and being a Mom. I loved it. Loved it. Lee was working hard and continued to do so but he was never quite in the area he wanted to be in although he did not know exactly what he did want to do. That was tough for him and for me. I worked a little teaching computers to Russian Immigrants, but things were tight. We moved downstairs from a two bedroom to a one bedroom apartment to make ends meet. Not a big deal in those days.
When Hazel was two we were pregnant with Liam. Lee continued to do well in business although he only liked it occasionally. He was getting more responsibility and leadership opportunities and did well in those areas. Hazel started pre-school at a little Montessori down the street. We bought a townhouse. Liam was born. I started running and loved it. Lee helped with the kids so I could train for marathons, I ran 7 marathons and felt great. Lee was hiking at times and went and climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro to keep things interesting. I started talking about being able to go back to work. My Biology degree left limitted opportunities. I decided to go to Nursing school. I took the required pre-req. classes at night. Lee was excited to not have to be the sole provider. It was during this time that Lee decided he wanted to join the National Guard.
The Military interest threw me for a loop but Lee has always maintained that it was always in the back of his mind. I was very much against it. I needed him in order to go back to school. The kids were 1 and 4 and had never been in day care. Political tensions were rising and the possibilities of war were very real. I wanted a deidicated, two parent home for them. I did not want day care. Plus, financially we would not be able to afford day care. Things were tight. Anyway, I fought the military option from the start. He eventually joined up anyway, without my approval or support. He headed to basic training for his first 9 weeks away. Money became even more difficult. Military pay was a lot less than civilian pay. We were obviously strained. Lee broke his arm in Basic training and was forced to stay in Kentucky for a total of 7 months. I sold the house and decided that I HAD to go to nursing school. I moved all of our things to Florida where his parents offered to help with the kids while I went to school. When Lee returned he moved to Florida and joined the Florida National guard, found a new job in Jacksonville. Lee completed Officer Candidate School and multiple training courses over the next couple of years. Lee's mother picked up the slack of his frequent absences (a true saint). She made it possible for him to be away each year for up to 5 months while I completed my BSN and started working. The kids have always done well with her support and consistency.
The Military has become the center of Lee's world. Yes, he has a civilian job and has always done well in that area. But he basically existed there waiting for the next Military weekend, two weeks here and there, every third weekend, months away for courses. Having him away frequently has been difficult for me as a wife. That is how we got where we are- the big War time deployment. We are not like other families. I still wish that he would not be away for a year. I wish I had someone to go to soccer games and teacher meetings with. The kids have a tough time with all the times he is away. Dad has missed more birthdays and firsts over the past 6 years than he has made. But he does well in the Military and his soldiers are very fortunate. Ultimately, our kids are healthy, bright and happy.
It feels like at 35 (my age) every decision requires so much negotiating. The Military pins you down. We are unable to move, or to travel- as a family. My dreams and fantasies are benign. I am faced with choosing to be the rock for my children rather than pursue career interests like advanced degrees or positions that would require hours incompatible with raising the kids. I am responsible for making sure they do well in school, get all the support they need. I choose the schools and facilitate friends. I get them to school every day and pick them up every afternoon. It is a lot of responsibility, when you want to do it right and doing it is a solo endeavor. This is what parenting is for me. But I love it, I do. That is the frustrating aspect. I would have easily had more. A big house of kids would have been great for me. But not for my partner. Like many Mom's I struggle with my own brain, wanting to learn more and be out in the world but unwilling to sacrifice the stability of my kids. Something has to give when you are doing the majority of it on your own.
So that is where Lee and I have to struggle daily. I play victim---feel like his choices have drawn my life map for me and I don't always like the path. However, I love my husband. He is a good man. He is doing a noble job and doing it well. He has a right to choose his map. I feel slighted. I feel like the kids are slighted, especially when they cry for him and anger at me and I feel like I can not be the only parent forever. But, lots of people do it. When we have the brief entry and exits like the 2.5 days we have this weekend before Lee heads from Texas to Iraq we are pound with these feelings and history we carry with us. We carry our history with us and are often unable to enjoy the time we do have. We both feel the anxiety even before the entry occurs and it often ruins the entire occasion. Then there is regret that time was wasted.
This is what happens when you are a Military wife and you never intended to be a Military wife. Last night was tough, dancing the familiar mess of a dance and worrying about not making the best of time. Time, however, keeps moving and people keep growing and changing and learning to be present in that process is one of my greatest challenges.
A long time ago Lee wrote a blog about why he joined the Army National Guard. It is well phrased and insightful. However, it does not really discuss the home front dance during that time and beyond. Human need for acceptance and growth are fundamental and very interesting. Especially with Lee and I.
When we met we were 21 (me) and 20 (Lee). I was in my final year of College studying Biology with medical school on my mind. I was dedicated and academic. Lee was new from South Africa and had spent three month In Alaska in a tent. He was searching for adventure while keeping a forward momentum with school. He was studying Political Science and Economics which came naturally to him. I was forward and confident pursued him from the beginning. He was interested and willing and open to my excitability. He seemed to find my bold presence refreshing and my academic focus ...well...honorable ...valuable. I liked the feedback. He was a dream. Totally exotic with long hair, and accent, odd sleeping hours, lots of books, little anxiety or stress. Fascinating. Not much would phase him in these days. If he wore a watch he rarely looked at it. Anyway, for some reason we fit. He was obviously very bright and that was attractive to me. He kept appearing in places I was and was really thrilled to run into me every time.
After a year of being together nearly all the time we moved in together. We lived above a coffee shop. I had graduated from college and was working full time. He was finishing his last year. I took a ballet class in the evenings and Lee worked harder on his studies and worked for the recycling plant on campus. Lee went to Israel to study for a month. When he returned, I proposed and we were engaged. Lee graduated and we planned trip to South Africa to meet his family. We loved traveling together. We had a great time. We decided to move to Oregon and get jobs and plan a wedding for the next December when his brother and family would be able to come. We married in December of 1996 in Boise, Idaho. I had decided not to go to Medical School. I think I felt like it was too expensive and would take too long. I did not have exposure to the medical world and I did not have any connections. I could not figure out how I would make it financially if I went to medical school. I worked teaching math, English and computers at a business school. Lee took a job in an office with computers and data management that was initially a temp job but grew as people realized how bright he was. He did not have a plan or dream of what to do beyond that. He fantasized about being a river guide at times or having a business of his own. But, he did not have plans in these areas. We were a little aimless in the career area. We were settling in Oregon. We liked it there. We made a few friends. Then we were pregnant with Hazel!
So it goes like this. We had Hazel. Lee worked really hard to support us. I stayed home and put all I had into Hazel and being a Mom. I loved it. Loved it. Lee was working hard and continued to do so but he was never quite in the area he wanted to be in although he did not know exactly what he did want to do. That was tough for him and for me. I worked a little teaching computers to Russian Immigrants, but things were tight. We moved downstairs from a two bedroom to a one bedroom apartment to make ends meet. Not a big deal in those days.
When Hazel was two we were pregnant with Liam. Lee continued to do well in business although he only liked it occasionally. He was getting more responsibility and leadership opportunities and did well in those areas. Hazel started pre-school at a little Montessori down the street. We bought a townhouse. Liam was born. I started running and loved it. Lee helped with the kids so I could train for marathons, I ran 7 marathons and felt great. Lee was hiking at times and went and climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro to keep things interesting. I started talking about being able to go back to work. My Biology degree left limitted opportunities. I decided to go to Nursing school. I took the required pre-req. classes at night. Lee was excited to not have to be the sole provider. It was during this time that Lee decided he wanted to join the National Guard.
The Military interest threw me for a loop but Lee has always maintained that it was always in the back of his mind. I was very much against it. I needed him in order to go back to school. The kids were 1 and 4 and had never been in day care. Political tensions were rising and the possibilities of war were very real. I wanted a deidicated, two parent home for them. I did not want day care. Plus, financially we would not be able to afford day care. Things were tight. Anyway, I fought the military option from the start. He eventually joined up anyway, without my approval or support. He headed to basic training for his first 9 weeks away. Money became even more difficult. Military pay was a lot less than civilian pay. We were obviously strained. Lee broke his arm in Basic training and was forced to stay in Kentucky for a total of 7 months. I sold the house and decided that I HAD to go to nursing school. I moved all of our things to Florida where his parents offered to help with the kids while I went to school. When Lee returned he moved to Florida and joined the Florida National guard, found a new job in Jacksonville. Lee completed Officer Candidate School and multiple training courses over the next couple of years. Lee's mother picked up the slack of his frequent absences (a true saint). She made it possible for him to be away each year for up to 5 months while I completed my BSN and started working. The kids have always done well with her support and consistency.
The Military has become the center of Lee's world. Yes, he has a civilian job and has always done well in that area. But he basically existed there waiting for the next Military weekend, two weeks here and there, every third weekend, months away for courses. Having him away frequently has been difficult for me as a wife. That is how we got where we are- the big War time deployment. We are not like other families. I still wish that he would not be away for a year. I wish I had someone to go to soccer games and teacher meetings with. The kids have a tough time with all the times he is away. Dad has missed more birthdays and firsts over the past 6 years than he has made. But he does well in the Military and his soldiers are very fortunate. Ultimately, our kids are healthy, bright and happy.
It feels like at 35 (my age) every decision requires so much negotiating. The Military pins you down. We are unable to move, or to travel- as a family. My dreams and fantasies are benign. I am faced with choosing to be the rock for my children rather than pursue career interests like advanced degrees or positions that would require hours incompatible with raising the kids. I am responsible for making sure they do well in school, get all the support they need. I choose the schools and facilitate friends. I get them to school every day and pick them up every afternoon. It is a lot of responsibility, when you want to do it right and doing it is a solo endeavor. This is what parenting is for me. But I love it, I do. That is the frustrating aspect. I would have easily had more. A big house of kids would have been great for me. But not for my partner. Like many Mom's I struggle with my own brain, wanting to learn more and be out in the world but unwilling to sacrifice the stability of my kids. Something has to give when you are doing the majority of it on your own.
So that is where Lee and I have to struggle daily. I play victim---feel like his choices have drawn my life map for me and I don't always like the path. However, I love my husband. He is a good man. He is doing a noble job and doing it well. He has a right to choose his map. I feel slighted. I feel like the kids are slighted, especially when they cry for him and anger at me and I feel like I can not be the only parent forever. But, lots of people do it. When we have the brief entry and exits like the 2.5 days we have this weekend before Lee heads from Texas to Iraq we are pound with these feelings and history we carry with us. We carry our history with us and are often unable to enjoy the time we do have. We both feel the anxiety even before the entry occurs and it often ruins the entire occasion. Then there is regret that time was wasted.
This is what happens when you are a Military wife and you never intended to be a Military wife. Last night was tough, dancing the familiar mess of a dance and worrying about not making the best of time. Time, however, keeps moving and people keep growing and changing and learning to be present in that process is one of my greatest challenges.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Just thinking in the evening.
I wonder what my purpose is on the planet? In this existence. What will my tombstone read? Birth year...1973....April 18...definitely an Aries. Bright, with a big mind for numbers and broad connections. Good intentions. Thoughtful and dedicated parent.
Often unable to move forward---occasionally melancholy. Grew fond of the snooze button when she reached 33 and could not figure out how to move forward with out leaving others behind. Sensitive to velvet (can't take it), subtle bumps and feelings of resentment.
Her children were amazingly clever and seemed to have an inappropriate amount of homework starting at a very early age. What she really wanted to so was to take her kids and move to Africa or China and teach them while helping children and elderly.
Often unable to move forward---occasionally melancholy. Grew fond of the snooze button when she reached 33 and could not figure out how to move forward with out leaving others behind. Sensitive to velvet (can't take it), subtle bumps and feelings of resentment.
Her children were amazingly clever and seemed to have an inappropriate amount of homework starting at a very early age. What she really wanted to so was to take her kids and move to Africa or China and teach them while helping children and elderly.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
car repairs/auto policies and other financial blunders
Does anyone recall how excited I was about my truck hitch? I was in love with the hitch and freedom it was going to bring me. Tonight, however, I feel very far away from the hitch and all of its empty promises. Yes, the hitch was installed. The purchase of the bike carrier attachment was looking and putting me back another $200 so I was shopping around looking for a good deal. It was during that time, October 24th, when I went to early vote with Hazel and ended up in the car accident that is sucking my bank account from all directions.
I was cited for "failure to yield" which I did while making a left turn out of a terrible library entrance into oncoming...unyielding...speeding...traffic. I was struck in the direct middle of my Jeep, damaging both doors and significantly damaging the horizontal frame bar that goes between them. I had USAA, my save me from this deployment hell with no one to call for help, representative on the phone before I even turned the engine off in the driveway I pulled into. The guy in the 87 Buick that hot me was obviously fine and cussing in the parking lot adjacent to mine. The USAA guy gave me a claim number and made sure Hazel and I were "OK". We were both fine but my neck was feeling potentially sore but it all ended up fine. As I figured out where to take the truck (obviously to the same Jeep dealer that I bought the truck from 4 months ago and had in the body shop 4 days after I bought it for $4000 of hail damage repair due to a very unfortunate storm here in Jacksonville). So after I received my $139 citation and felt guilty enough about that (I have not had a ticket since High School (although I have been in a few accidents...random), I drove the truck to the dealer and dropped it off so it could wait for the adjuster. I was reminded at that time that I have a $500 deductible which I was fully aware of because I paid it on the hail repair. I was also reminded that we had declined rental car coverage when we bought the policy. I do recall the rep saying that I could add it at any time....what was he suggesting? So, I rented a smelly, crappy compact car and drove home in despair. The car for 4 days was around $120. Since then I have been borrowing my in-law's minivan because they are in South Africa. It has been two weeks. Now, however, they are due to return and Lee is coming home for 4 days prior to going to Iraq. I spoke with the body shop today apparently the truck should be repaired by December 4th! What? You have got to be kidding. So I looked up the estimate from USAA...and they are right. 21 working days. December 4th. I need a car for the next three weeks. Lee and I sold his car prior to deployment. I looked all the deal I could through USAA, AAA, Military, Mayo Clinic etc....easily another $600. That bike rack will not be happening even when I do get my truck back.
Everyone thinks it is so great when you have a spouse go to Iraq because you apparently make a ton of $$. However, we currently bring home $600 less from Lee and $400 less from me and I pay $200 more a month for childcare because he is gone. Today, I put the dogs in the Kennel for 3 days because I work and will not be able to take them out on these days and they would be in for over 12 hours--so that is another $100. So, it is not as if I do not have money. We are eating well and doing fun things. We spent the day at the zoo today and I am able to buy the kids the cloths they need as they grow out of everything etc.....but when something like this car situation comes up----it sure makes me feel for the soldier family. The stress and anxiety that deployment brings to the home financially is just as large as it is emotionally.
I did pull myself together tonight and add rental to my auto policy. It was only like $18 per 6 months. Now I have to get the guts to call the USAA rep and ask if it can be applied to the current claim. Is this a form of a pre-existing condition? And if it is I will need Obama to help me convince the rep that he should let me use it anyway. At least for half of the time I am out of transportation. Don't you think?
Did I mention that I have phone anxiety? Strange. I know..I am a never at a loss for words but I will do ANYTHING in my power to not call and sort business or order food on the phone. I find it very stressful. But without Lee I will have to do it. I usually pass it to him because it is so horrifying for me. But if I don't do it. It won't get done.
We are looking forward to his 4 day visit. He looks really tired on skype and is currently sleep deprived. He wants a bath. the kids and I cleaned the bathrooms so he can have a good, clean bath. We bought him a leg of lamb and some beers.
Liam is just realizing that Dad arrives late on Sunday and leaves on Wednesday. So, with school, he won't really see him much. I am torn with how to handle this. Missing school is stressful for the kids with the amount of work they doing right now. Especially Liam and his writing. Hazel can't and won't miss her patrol/techno cat responsibilities. It will be difficult. So see him just a little and have to say adios again until next October.
I was cited for "failure to yield" which I did while making a left turn out of a terrible library entrance into oncoming...unyielding...speeding...traffic. I was struck in the direct middle of my Jeep, damaging both doors and significantly damaging the horizontal frame bar that goes between them. I had USAA, my save me from this deployment hell with no one to call for help, representative on the phone before I even turned the engine off in the driveway I pulled into. The guy in the 87 Buick that hot me was obviously fine and cussing in the parking lot adjacent to mine. The USAA guy gave me a claim number and made sure Hazel and I were "OK". We were both fine but my neck was feeling potentially sore but it all ended up fine. As I figured out where to take the truck (obviously to the same Jeep dealer that I bought the truck from 4 months ago and had in the body shop 4 days after I bought it for $4000 of hail damage repair due to a very unfortunate storm here in Jacksonville). So after I received my $139 citation and felt guilty enough about that (I have not had a ticket since High School (although I have been in a few accidents...random), I drove the truck to the dealer and dropped it off so it could wait for the adjuster. I was reminded at that time that I have a $500 deductible which I was fully aware of because I paid it on the hail repair. I was also reminded that we had declined rental car coverage when we bought the policy. I do recall the rep saying that I could add it at any time....what was he suggesting? So, I rented a smelly, crappy compact car and drove home in despair. The car for 4 days was around $120. Since then I have been borrowing my in-law's minivan because they are in South Africa. It has been two weeks. Now, however, they are due to return and Lee is coming home for 4 days prior to going to Iraq. I spoke with the body shop today apparently the truck should be repaired by December 4th! What? You have got to be kidding. So I looked up the estimate from USAA...and they are right. 21 working days. December 4th. I need a car for the next three weeks. Lee and I sold his car prior to deployment. I looked all the deal I could through USAA, AAA, Military, Mayo Clinic etc....easily another $600. That bike rack will not be happening even when I do get my truck back.
Everyone thinks it is so great when you have a spouse go to Iraq because you apparently make a ton of $$. However, we currently bring home $600 less from Lee and $400 less from me and I pay $200 more a month for childcare because he is gone. Today, I put the dogs in the Kennel for 3 days because I work and will not be able to take them out on these days and they would be in for over 12 hours--so that is another $100. So, it is not as if I do not have money. We are eating well and doing fun things. We spent the day at the zoo today and I am able to buy the kids the cloths they need as they grow out of everything etc.....but when something like this car situation comes up----it sure makes me feel for the soldier family. The stress and anxiety that deployment brings to the home financially is just as large as it is emotionally.
I did pull myself together tonight and add rental to my auto policy. It was only like $18 per 6 months. Now I have to get the guts to call the USAA rep and ask if it can be applied to the current claim. Is this a form of a pre-existing condition? And if it is I will need Obama to help me convince the rep that he should let me use it anyway. At least for half of the time I am out of transportation. Don't you think?
Did I mention that I have phone anxiety? Strange. I know..I am a never at a loss for words but I will do ANYTHING in my power to not call and sort business or order food on the phone. I find it very stressful. But without Lee I will have to do it. I usually pass it to him because it is so horrifying for me. But if I don't do it. It won't get done.
We are looking forward to his 4 day visit. He looks really tired on skype and is currently sleep deprived. He wants a bath. the kids and I cleaned the bathrooms so he can have a good, clean bath. We bought him a leg of lamb and some beers.
Liam is just realizing that Dad arrives late on Sunday and leaves on Wednesday. So, with school, he won't really see him much. I am torn with how to handle this. Missing school is stressful for the kids with the amount of work they doing right now. Especially Liam and his writing. Hazel can't and won't miss her patrol/techno cat responsibilities. It will be difficult. So see him just a little and have to say adios again until next October.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Obama and what it takes to get to work when single
I am unable to put into words how much these results have moved me. My kids are African-American, truly, although as white as chalk. The children my kids are closest to are from a variety of backgrounds, Puerto Rican, African American, Indian, South African, English. It is for all these children and their parents that I am moved. There are still examples that need to be set for women and role models that need to emerge for my daughter but in general being a part of this stage in History is truly gratifying.
I had to call my boss today to arrange a change in schedule. With my Dad gone and three more work days total until my Mother-in-law returns I have a bit to organize. I know many people who will willingly have the kids any time of day. However, it is difficult to get them awake to to some one's home by 6:30 am so I can get to work. They feel unsettled and thrown when that happens and it is very difficult for me to get the pets sorted and the kids off at that time in the morning. There are lots of tests for both kids at the end of the day and I am trying very hard to work in lots of little sessions with Liam so that he does not get so frustrated with the work. I need the morning to help him prepare for SPELLING TEST Thursday. It seems crazy at this age but he struggles with it and it brings him stress. Today he has a bite mark on his lower lip where he bit himself and when I asked him about it he said that he did it when he thought he had forgotten his writing work at home. He was really worked up until he found it and sucked his lower lip raw. Shame. My sweet Liam.
I had to make a last minute trip to the Library for Hazel tonight as she suddenly remembered that she had to have her encyclopedia source for her gifted report bu tomorrow and was getting worked up about not having it. So I took care of that issue as well.
The poor dogs are getting left in for a long time when I work. I need a dog walker. Can't seem to figure out how to hire one for the days I work. Next week when I work 2 days I may just put them in the kennel to avoid the stress of what to do with them. So if anyone knows a good dog walker --let me know.
Lee is well. Doing well at the Army thing and moving things forward. More and more I feel the distance of the deployment. There is a lot of contact at first then it just goes away and when I do hear from him we are at a loss for words. Two totally different realities. Deployment 101 I suppose.
I had to call my boss today to arrange a change in schedule. With my Dad gone and three more work days total until my Mother-in-law returns I have a bit to organize. I know many people who will willingly have the kids any time of day. However, it is difficult to get them awake to to some one's home by 6:30 am so I can get to work. They feel unsettled and thrown when that happens and it is very difficult for me to get the pets sorted and the kids off at that time in the morning. There are lots of tests for both kids at the end of the day and I am trying very hard to work in lots of little sessions with Liam so that he does not get so frustrated with the work. I need the morning to help him prepare for SPELLING TEST Thursday. It seems crazy at this age but he struggles with it and it brings him stress. Today he has a bite mark on his lower lip where he bit himself and when I asked him about it he said that he did it when he thought he had forgotten his writing work at home. He was really worked up until he found it and sucked his lower lip raw. Shame. My sweet Liam.
I had to make a last minute trip to the Library for Hazel tonight as she suddenly remembered that she had to have her encyclopedia source for her gifted report bu tomorrow and was getting worked up about not having it. So I took care of that issue as well.
The poor dogs are getting left in for a long time when I work. I need a dog walker. Can't seem to figure out how to hire one for the days I work. Next week when I work 2 days I may just put them in the kennel to avoid the stress of what to do with them. So if anyone knows a good dog walker --let me know.
Lee is well. Doing well at the Army thing and moving things forward. More and more I feel the distance of the deployment. There is a lot of contact at first then it just goes away and when I do hear from him we are at a loss for words. Two totally different realities. Deployment 101 I suppose.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Obama! Taxidermy! and rotating beds
I took the kids out of school today and we went downtown to see Obama speak. It was really awesome. They were really excited and the energy in the arena was catching. I don't think my kids (or I) have a true understanding about the tears streaming down the faces of old men as they watched Obama enter the stage and speak.
Dad leaves tomorrow afternoon. We went to Clark's Fish Camp with Rachel and her boys. A great place. Lee would love it. I don't know why we have not been there before. The finest taxidermy displays around (kind of weird...but really impressive). The menu, however, was the most interesting. Anything exotic from Ostrich, Alligator and Kangaroo to Mac and cheese, and fried green tomatoes.
The kids are wiped out with the time change and I am wiped out from working all weekend and keeping up with my life. So we are all off for an early night. The kids are currently rotating nights to sleep with me and tonight it is Hazel's night. She snores so I am hoping she does not keep me up all night!
Dad leaves tomorrow afternoon. We went to Clark's Fish Camp with Rachel and her boys. A great place. Lee would love it. I don't know why we have not been there before. The finest taxidermy displays around (kind of weird...but really impressive). The menu, however, was the most interesting. Anything exotic from Ostrich, Alligator and Kangaroo to Mac and cheese, and fried green tomatoes.
The kids are wiped out with the time change and I am wiped out from working all weekend and keeping up with my life. So we are all off for an early night. The kids are currently rotating nights to sleep with me and tonight it is Hazel's night. She snores so I am hoping she does not keep me up all night!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Piece of me
Yesterday we took the kids to get pumpkins. Finding pumpkins that are free of rot in Florida can be difficult. We did not have a lot of time so we ended up at a pseudo "patch" in the parking lot of Bank of America's office park. We did find a few nice pumpkins and it was fun to see the kids run around trying to decide which one would be the best specimen to carve. Dad is going to carve with them tonight while I get in a few extra hours at the hospital giving flu shots.
Work is difficult right now with the election only a few days away. I may have mentioned that I am the only person in my department that supports Obama and the democratic party. I, however, do not feel hatred toward the others. I understand that their experience may be different from mine and am simply glad that they have the right to vote and have voted. In my situation, as Army wife, mother, nurse, middle class townhome owner, consumer of the public schools, college graduate from a private school with loans that I am still paying, family member who has witnessed the effects of mental illness, the lack of resources for those unable to afford health insurance even when working full time. Well, these are my issues. The issues that shaped my vote and it is frustrating to hear people at work talk about my vote as a flaw, with anger and resentment. I feel at times like others are actually talking about this candidate like he is a criminal that is personally at their doorstep. Frightens me to hear that level of disdain and nonacceptance. It makes me frightened for Obama.
My dad leaves on election day. It has been really nice having him. I am trying to round up a final list of items he could help on before he leaves. I work this weekend, his last weekend here and am a little sad because we have to been out a lot. We have only been to the beach once and never made it to St. Augustine. He has read a lot of books and the dogs love him.
Lee and the kids are still skyping at night and that works well. When he doesn't call Liam is the first to notice and if tired will quickly find tears.
GAS prices are one of my main forms of entertainment. The Kangaroo is definitely the cheapest around here at 2.34 a gallon the yesterday. I need to get a new hobby and start building up my social world. It can be very quiet around here and I notice how I have many friends but not enough chaos in the home. I love home chaos and lots of people. Chaos and a laundry lady would be my idea of a perfect situation. I still consider adopting another child. The thought hits me often. Lee is not on board and was very much against a third child so by allowing my thoughts to go this way I dig myself a further hole. But that baby smell and soft skin and the daily life of being a Mom brings me so much pleasure, always have.
Army pay is twice a month while Lee's civilian pay was always every other week. It may seem like the same thing but it isn't. It is mych easier to monitor accounts the civilian way. Had a text message from the bank at 2am that our account was overdrawn. Woke up to find that the mortgage was sent at 2 am to make a negative balance. I transferred savings to make it positive. Then at 10 am the Army paycheck electronically deposited into the account. Frustrating. I feel Ike I am on the verge of going broke all the time. Lee manages that whole ting better. I am capable- of course I am. I am an educated, bright, woman. The ownership issue is difficult. We need to refinance our house and I can because I have the POA--but the amount of work that takes and doing it solo frustrates me. I also have to write a letter begging for the exemption we are due on the home. I have to provide the justification for filing late. I have to explain that we are 3 years later filing for the exemption because we simply did not know about it?
Hazel showed me her running shoes today---her toes are at the end. I only bought those 2 months ago! What does she need now...a size 9.5? She is 10.5 and growing like a weed. I guess I will make new shoes a priority for her this week.
Work is difficult right now with the election only a few days away. I may have mentioned that I am the only person in my department that supports Obama and the democratic party. I, however, do not feel hatred toward the others. I understand that their experience may be different from mine and am simply glad that they have the right to vote and have voted. In my situation, as Army wife, mother, nurse, middle class townhome owner, consumer of the public schools, college graduate from a private school with loans that I am still paying, family member who has witnessed the effects of mental illness, the lack of resources for those unable to afford health insurance even when working full time. Well, these are my issues. The issues that shaped my vote and it is frustrating to hear people at work talk about my vote as a flaw, with anger and resentment. I feel at times like others are actually talking about this candidate like he is a criminal that is personally at their doorstep. Frightens me to hear that level of disdain and nonacceptance. It makes me frightened for Obama.
My dad leaves on election day. It has been really nice having him. I am trying to round up a final list of items he could help on before he leaves. I work this weekend, his last weekend here and am a little sad because we have to been out a lot. We have only been to the beach once and never made it to St. Augustine. He has read a lot of books and the dogs love him.
Lee and the kids are still skyping at night and that works well. When he doesn't call Liam is the first to notice and if tired will quickly find tears.
GAS prices are one of my main forms of entertainment. The Kangaroo is definitely the cheapest around here at 2.34 a gallon the yesterday. I need to get a new hobby and start building up my social world. It can be very quiet around here and I notice how I have many friends but not enough chaos in the home. I love home chaos and lots of people. Chaos and a laundry lady would be my idea of a perfect situation. I still consider adopting another child. The thought hits me often. Lee is not on board and was very much against a third child so by allowing my thoughts to go this way I dig myself a further hole. But that baby smell and soft skin and the daily life of being a Mom brings me so much pleasure, always have.
Army pay is twice a month while Lee's civilian pay was always every other week. It may seem like the same thing but it isn't. It is mych easier to monitor accounts the civilian way. Had a text message from the bank at 2am that our account was overdrawn. Woke up to find that the mortgage was sent at 2 am to make a negative balance. I transferred savings to make it positive. Then at 10 am the Army paycheck electronically deposited into the account. Frustrating. I feel Ike I am on the verge of going broke all the time. Lee manages that whole ting better. I am capable- of course I am. I am an educated, bright, woman. The ownership issue is difficult. We need to refinance our house and I can because I have the POA--but the amount of work that takes and doing it solo frustrates me. I also have to write a letter begging for the exemption we are due on the home. I have to provide the justification for filing late. I have to explain that we are 3 years later filing for the exemption because we simply did not know about it?
Hazel showed me her running shoes today---her toes are at the end. I only bought those 2 months ago! What does she need now...a size 9.5? She is 10.5 and growing like a weed. I guess I will make new shoes a priority for her this week.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
All I ever say is ....I am really busy
I have the two most wonderful children. We have raised them well. I have spent and do spend an amazing amount of emotional energy on concerning myself with their life experience. In general it all works well...but on days like today I question the commitment.
I had a car accident on Friday with Hazel in the passenger seat. I took her with me to early vote. She came in the booth with me and I walked her through the entire ballot with whispers and an explanation to why I vote the way I do and how voting is a personal choice that is the RIGHT of every American. I explained how there are two sides to every amendment, measure or candidate. I explained that although I have been super OBAMA MOMMA for the past few months I do understand the issue from the other side. I do understand and all I ask is that when she votes, she educate herself on each and every candidate and issue and NOT vote one way or another just because others are. So when we left the booth we headed to the parking lot and as we exited the lot to the backed up traffic on the passing road we were hit by a man going very fast. It hot the driver passenger and the driver door primarily. We were both okay. So then the shock of being the single woman with no one to call sets in. This happens often. I seem to always be alone.
Anyway, I called USAA and got my claim started before the police woman even arrived. When she did arrive she gave me a ticket for a a bad Left Turn....obviously. So then I drove to the dealer with the two doors unable to completely close and car warning lights going off in the Jeep. The dealer people knew me because my car had the great fortune of sustaining $4000 dollars of hail damage on the 4th day I owned it. That was less than 4 months ago. Looks like this is a tough year for me. I will have paid two $500 deductibles in less than 6 months. Ouch.
So last night I took the kids to Spooktacular at the Zoo because when I tried to take them last year and accidentally missed the date (where was Lee...he was not here so he must have been at some training--he took them 2 years ago) they both cried all the way home and have brought it up all year. The even was so crowded and miserable--well I digress. It felt like an amazing waste of time although I did get a couple of good pics in with the pumpkins and some stuffed Eagle that I thought was an ostrich.
Today was dedicated to Hazel's school projects and homework that took the entire day and still is not finished. I work tomorrow and Tuesday (7a-7p) so I will probably be up late helping her finish before Tuesday. Liam had lacrosse so I took him there. Hazel lost a molar that has been hanging for days. Liam fell off the couch after doing something silly and cried of sternal pain for an hour---so I bathed him and put him in my bed. So now it looks like I will head to bed and sleep on the other side of the bed where the dog threw up two nights ago and I have only half cleaned up. Sigh... I made the kids lunches and wrote directions for my Dad for the day so that he can get the kids sorted for the day.
The kids have a lot of homework and Liam is showing some huge signs that I may have dyslexia in my parenting future. I think it is a gift in many ways but it is certainly time consuming helping him and finding new ways to present information and help him retain certain things that do not come naturally. Tonight I find it difficult to do it all on my own. Raise the kids and give them what they need. I dread work in a way and worry that I will forget to organize something. Thankfully my Dad is here and doing a great job. He leaves November 4th and I will only have two weeks solo to sort out.
Spoke with Lee tonight on Skype...he slept in today and went for a long run. I think it upsets him that I find this so irritating. The facts are the facts. In this situation (and all really in our case) the men have the ability to up and go whenever they want and don't feel badly about it because the facts is that I (and other women I suppose) will take care of the gap and do all the work and take the responsibility of the children, and work and home and make it happen. I feel that although we may be on the verge of great progress in some ways in this country, there are many places that we are not.
I had a car accident on Friday with Hazel in the passenger seat. I took her with me to early vote. She came in the booth with me and I walked her through the entire ballot with whispers and an explanation to why I vote the way I do and how voting is a personal choice that is the RIGHT of every American. I explained how there are two sides to every amendment, measure or candidate. I explained that although I have been super OBAMA MOMMA for the past few months I do understand the issue from the other side. I do understand and all I ask is that when she votes, she educate herself on each and every candidate and issue and NOT vote one way or another just because others are. So when we left the booth we headed to the parking lot and as we exited the lot to the backed up traffic on the passing road we were hit by a man going very fast. It hot the driver passenger and the driver door primarily. We were both okay. So then the shock of being the single woman with no one to call sets in. This happens often. I seem to always be alone.
Anyway, I called USAA and got my claim started before the police woman even arrived. When she did arrive she gave me a ticket for a a bad Left Turn....obviously. So then I drove to the dealer with the two doors unable to completely close and car warning lights going off in the Jeep. The dealer people knew me because my car had the great fortune of sustaining $4000 dollars of hail damage on the 4th day I owned it. That was less than 4 months ago. Looks like this is a tough year for me. I will have paid two $500 deductibles in less than 6 months. Ouch.
So last night I took the kids to Spooktacular at the Zoo because when I tried to take them last year and accidentally missed the date (where was Lee...he was not here so he must have been at some training--he took them 2 years ago) they both cried all the way home and have brought it up all year. The even was so crowded and miserable--well I digress. It felt like an amazing waste of time although I did get a couple of good pics in with the pumpkins and some stuffed Eagle that I thought was an ostrich.
Today was dedicated to Hazel's school projects and homework that took the entire day and still is not finished. I work tomorrow and Tuesday (7a-7p) so I will probably be up late helping her finish before Tuesday. Liam had lacrosse so I took him there. Hazel lost a molar that has been hanging for days. Liam fell off the couch after doing something silly and cried of sternal pain for an hour---so I bathed him and put him in my bed. So now it looks like I will head to bed and sleep on the other side of the bed where the dog threw up two nights ago and I have only half cleaned up. Sigh... I made the kids lunches and wrote directions for my Dad for the day so that he can get the kids sorted for the day.
The kids have a lot of homework and Liam is showing some huge signs that I may have dyslexia in my parenting future. I think it is a gift in many ways but it is certainly time consuming helping him and finding new ways to present information and help him retain certain things that do not come naturally. Tonight I find it difficult to do it all on my own. Raise the kids and give them what they need. I dread work in a way and worry that I will forget to organize something. Thankfully my Dad is here and doing a great job. He leaves November 4th and I will only have two weeks solo to sort out.
Spoke with Lee tonight on Skype...he slept in today and went for a long run. I think it upsets him that I find this so irritating. The facts are the facts. In this situation (and all really in our case) the men have the ability to up and go whenever they want and don't feel badly about it because the facts is that I (and other women I suppose) will take care of the gap and do all the work and take the responsibility of the children, and work and home and make it happen. I feel that although we may be on the verge of great progress in some ways in this country, there are many places that we are not.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Daily life on off the battlefield
My Dad arrived late Tuesday night. I think he is kind of wondering what he is going to do here for an entire month! He is so used to running around in Boise, always busy and always more to do. Our life here is rather simple. Busy. But simple. We wake up. We get ready for the day. We get to where we are going (school or work). We come home. We walk the pets. We take the trash out. We eat. We do homework. We go to Hazel's soccer, running or dance or Liam's chess, scouts or lacrosse. Then we take baths, read and go to bed. At times there is a play date or birthday party to get ready for but other than that I suppose we are rather simple.
Yesterday Dad came with me to return a lacrosse helmet and pads that I bought for Liam at Play it Again Sports that were to big. Then we went to the Fresh Market because we were at the beach and we bought some gluten free items and chatted with a man who works there who is from Boise. Then we wen tot Ace Hardware to get screen to make Liam a sieve to use while he uses his new metal detector to find treasures. When we got home it looked like rain and suddenly we decided to examine the Florida room and the gutters....and so I got on a ladder and scooped all the rotten debris from the gutters and wiped down the summer sludge from the top of the room and cleaned the screens. Impressive. I had to climb up along the tree in the back to remove the Christmas lights that never got taken down last year (LEE!!!). Anyway, they were a mess.
Family fun night at the school last night. There was hosted dinner and games and a raffle. Liam, who has a history of never winning in anything random, won a raffle of games. He had plans to sell the games that he already had. However, he had his eye on Christopher (a young South African boy we know who is in kindergarten). This little boy was starting to get upset because he did not win (or it looked that way). Liam decided to give him his domino game. It was sweet. Liam gave it to him and a big hug. He is such an empathetic, kind soul.
This morning, I asked Hazel to wake Liam when she was upstairs getting ready. He would not wake up to she rolled him off his bed. He was still resisting so apparently she decided to drop water on his head. Great. I heard screaming and I run upstairs and Liam is throwing things at her. Anger control 101.
So it is Friday. Lee calls daily - sometimes we just don't know what to say. His world is so very different from ours. The level of detachment is grand but expected. I had a dream last night that he was talking inappropriately to a female soldier and I was really mad. Woke up mad. I hate that kind of brain penetration. It will be good to chat with him later for reassurance. Being the wife at home requires a lot of reassurance.
Yesterday Dad came with me to return a lacrosse helmet and pads that I bought for Liam at Play it Again Sports that were to big. Then we went to the Fresh Market because we were at the beach and we bought some gluten free items and chatted with a man who works there who is from Boise. Then we wen tot Ace Hardware to get screen to make Liam a sieve to use while he uses his new metal detector to find treasures. When we got home it looked like rain and suddenly we decided to examine the Florida room and the gutters....and so I got on a ladder and scooped all the rotten debris from the gutters and wiped down the summer sludge from the top of the room and cleaned the screens. Impressive. I had to climb up along the tree in the back to remove the Christmas lights that never got taken down last year (LEE!!!). Anyway, they were a mess.
Family fun night at the school last night. There was hosted dinner and games and a raffle. Liam, who has a history of never winning in anything random, won a raffle of games. He had plans to sell the games that he already had. However, he had his eye on Christopher (a young South African boy we know who is in kindergarten). This little boy was starting to get upset because he did not win (or it looked that way). Liam decided to give him his domino game. It was sweet. Liam gave it to him and a big hug. He is such an empathetic, kind soul.
This morning, I asked Hazel to wake Liam when she was upstairs getting ready. He would not wake up to she rolled him off his bed. He was still resisting so apparently she decided to drop water on his head. Great. I heard screaming and I run upstairs and Liam is throwing things at her. Anger control 101.
So it is Friday. Lee calls daily - sometimes we just don't know what to say. His world is so very different from ours. The level of detachment is grand but expected. I had a dream last night that he was talking inappropriately to a female soldier and I was really mad. Woke up mad. I hate that kind of brain penetration. It will be good to chat with him later for reassurance. Being the wife at home requires a lot of reassurance.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Random order
I went on a school field trip with the kids today. The tragic story of young King Tut. It was a musical with 5 characters and a simple stage arrangement. The theater is wonderful with busy wallpaper and thick burgundy carpet reminiscent of earlier days. The fold down seats appear to be the original seats as well. The acoustics were perfect. I think I will make it a goal to go see a concert there this year. The kids enjoyed getting out of school and riding the bus with their friends. Liam said the show was "boring" but he says that about most theater experiences. If Hazel thinks the show is boring she just imagines that she is the one acting on stage and thus enjoys the show.
After the field trip I went to Home Goods...looking for new sheets to set a bed up for my Dad. He is coming to stay for a few weeks to help out with the transition and spend some quality with the kids and I. Liam and Hazel are going to share Liam's room and give Hazel's bed to him. I thought I would change out the pink/purple theme for him although he probably won't notice. Home Goods is a great place to wander. I ended up with two hand towels that say "SPOOKY" in orange and black, a blue/green cast stallion that stands about 12 inches high, and a display for faux cattails that I apparently could not live without. Go figure.
Took Liam for his Monday treatment at the Mayo. Picked up Hazel from her after school media club and went home for a couple hours of helping the kids with homework and dinner.
My Uncle in Boise had brain surgery today to remove a tumor. I have checked in a few times seeking news. Trying to make sure he is doing okay and that my Aunt and their grown kids are holding up. He just got out of recover after 6 hours of surgery and is in the ICU. Seems to have done well in surgery. The next few weeks will be tough. I am thinking of them often and praying for a full recovery. As a nurse and relative I feel bad when I am not able to participate in the care of my own family. I felt it often in for my Grandmother in the last few years and it peaked during her last week with Hospice. I live so far away! I have good associations with caring for my kids, my mother-in-law, the bird I found outside my old apartment. So today I feel far away and a little sad that I am not around to take a shift to help in the hospital in Boise.
Alvin the Maltese needs a bath and is barking at the cat. Maggie the beagle/boarder collie has eaten the eyes out of two stuffed animals tonight. I did get the dishes done but have piles of laundry. I finally scheduled 1800GOTJUNK to come tomorrow so I can PAY them to get rid of my old appliances and trash in the garage.
Lee seems well in Texas. Crazy military seems to choose 2 or 3 am as an ideal time to get crap done.....then the rest of the day they have lag time. These kinds of details can drive me mad when I really should not even care. Lee seems happy to have the rest of his Company in Texas today and says there are mountains all around him. I would like to see or be in the mountains.
Now it is up to tuck Hazel in and have Liam read to me.
After the field trip I went to Home Goods...looking for new sheets to set a bed up for my Dad. He is coming to stay for a few weeks to help out with the transition and spend some quality with the kids and I. Liam and Hazel are going to share Liam's room and give Hazel's bed to him. I thought I would change out the pink/purple theme for him although he probably won't notice. Home Goods is a great place to wander. I ended up with two hand towels that say "SPOOKY" in orange and black, a blue/green cast stallion that stands about 12 inches high, and a display for faux cattails that I apparently could not live without. Go figure.
Took Liam for his Monday treatment at the Mayo. Picked up Hazel from her after school media club and went home for a couple hours of helping the kids with homework and dinner.
My Uncle in Boise had brain surgery today to remove a tumor. I have checked in a few times seeking news. Trying to make sure he is doing okay and that my Aunt and their grown kids are holding up. He just got out of recover after 6 hours of surgery and is in the ICU. Seems to have done well in surgery. The next few weeks will be tough. I am thinking of them often and praying for a full recovery. As a nurse and relative I feel bad when I am not able to participate in the care of my own family. I felt it often in for my Grandmother in the last few years and it peaked during her last week with Hospice. I live so far away! I have good associations with caring for my kids, my mother-in-law, the bird I found outside my old apartment. So today I feel far away and a little sad that I am not around to take a shift to help in the hospital in Boise.
Alvin the Maltese needs a bath and is barking at the cat. Maggie the beagle/boarder collie has eaten the eyes out of two stuffed animals tonight. I did get the dishes done but have piles of laundry. I finally scheduled 1800GOTJUNK to come tomorrow so I can PAY them to get rid of my old appliances and trash in the garage.
Lee seems well in Texas. Crazy military seems to choose 2 or 3 am as an ideal time to get crap done.....then the rest of the day they have lag time. These kinds of details can drive me mad when I really should not even care. Lee seems happy to have the rest of his Company in Texas today and says there are mountains all around him. I would like to see or be in the mountains.
Now it is up to tuck Hazel in and have Liam read to me.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
The diagnosis, treatment and back to the routine
Woke up at 1:45 in the morning to take Lee to the Armory. He had been up all night. I was thinking to myself how odd roads are at 2 am. Concerning because the only other people on them are probably leaving bars.
When we arrived at the armory there was a "crotch rocket/PT Cruiser" gathering going on. I don't believe these were soldiers or have anything to do with the unit it seemed like a regular place they hang out and race their bikes on Normandy Blvd. Lots of engine noise. I was concerned knowing that if one of those bikes crashed at the 100 mph I would be the nearest medical person. A few of the officers went over to let the guys know that they had called JSO and asked them to leave. They did.
So a quick good-bye and then back home. Back to bed.
Woke and the elbow seemed a bit better but still red and hot and could have spread but hard to tell. I went to a doctor. Cellulitis. Basically, you get a scratch or scrape in one of you extremities and bacteria gets at it and then you get a tissue infection. I had to admit that the only possible scratch issue that could have caused it in my elbow would be small and probably from shaving my arms. Yes, I have been shaving my arms for the past few months. I don't know why? It seemed like a good idea at the time and then I just kept doing it to avoid the growth irritation. So, lovely, yes young lovely Dr. ....I have a small hair obsession at times and stress does not help...I may have over shaved my elbow!!! I was just happy to get my super charged antibiotics and get the hell out of there.
Picked up the kids from Lynda--they had her busy all morning. Today is Liam's official birthday but he won't let us recognize it until 2:30 pm when he was actually born. Past that now...so he is 8. He has Ben over and they have been playing for a few hours.
I did the dishes, mopped the floor, graded some math papers for Hazel's class and am helping her with her homework.
We are back on track, healing and grooving. Tomorrow I go with the kids and their Gifted Class to some theater for a field trip; both are looking forward to the day.
Lee has checked in. Nice to hear that he made it okay. He sounded tired and irritated about the guys who messed up with drinking last night. Makes you realize what kids we have heading to Iraq. Most have no concept of how their inability to be consistent and responsible could cost someone their life. But at 19, who does? My thoughts were with the leadership like Lee who have the grand task to mentor these boys and keep them and their peers safe.
When we arrived at the armory there was a "crotch rocket/PT Cruiser" gathering going on. I don't believe these were soldiers or have anything to do with the unit it seemed like a regular place they hang out and race their bikes on Normandy Blvd. Lots of engine noise. I was concerned knowing that if one of those bikes crashed at the 100 mph I would be the nearest medical person. A few of the officers went over to let the guys know that they had called JSO and asked them to leave. They did.
So a quick good-bye and then back home. Back to bed.
Woke and the elbow seemed a bit better but still red and hot and could have spread but hard to tell. I went to a doctor. Cellulitis. Basically, you get a scratch or scrape in one of you extremities and bacteria gets at it and then you get a tissue infection. I had to admit that the only possible scratch issue that could have caused it in my elbow would be small and probably from shaving my arms. Yes, I have been shaving my arms for the past few months. I don't know why? It seemed like a good idea at the time and then I just kept doing it to avoid the growth irritation. So, lovely, yes young lovely Dr. ....I have a small hair obsession at times and stress does not help...I may have over shaved my elbow!!! I was just happy to get my super charged antibiotics and get the hell out of there.
Picked up the kids from Lynda--they had her busy all morning. Today is Liam's official birthday but he won't let us recognize it until 2:30 pm when he was actually born. Past that now...so he is 8. He has Ben over and they have been playing for a few hours.
I did the dishes, mopped the floor, graded some math papers for Hazel's class and am helping her with her homework.
We are back on track, healing and grooving. Tomorrow I go with the kids and their Gifted Class to some theater for a field trip; both are looking forward to the day.
Lee has checked in. Nice to hear that he made it okay. He sounded tired and irritated about the guys who messed up with drinking last night. Makes you realize what kids we have heading to Iraq. Most have no concept of how their inability to be consistent and responsible could cost someone their life. But at 19, who does? My thoughts were with the leadership like Lee who have the grand task to mentor these boys and keep them and their peers safe.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Elbow inflamation and the day before deployment
Something started on my right elbow yesterday. I think I first noticed what felt like a bruise while sitting at the Mayo waiting for one of Liam's treatments. A couple of hours later I felt the elbow and it was hot. Upon examination I noticed it was red. I inspected in closely in the mirror but could not identify a source i.e bug bite or trauma bruise. I took 400 mg of IB and tried to forget about it. The elbow continued to swell through the afternoon. We took the kids out of school and spent the day at the beach. I was actually enjoying the process of trying to come up with my own diagnosis. Could it be a bug bite? Bursitis? Arthritis? Gout? Bug bit is the most likely explanation.
I woke up early today (Saturday) to get Hazel to her soccer game by 8 am. Liam in tow. Lee left at the same time to head for Cecil Field to gather his soldiers to prepare before families arrived for the big send off. While Hazel was warming up with her team Liam and I wen to get a coffee and he worked on some drawings with his magic markers. I was sweating it out an the sidelines in my black pants and light sweater that were appropriate for Lee's ceremony but ridiculous as the soccer Mom. Hazel played a good game. Sweating and flushed I removed her a few minutes before the end so I could dump water over her head and get to Lee's deployment ceremony.
Hazel changed cloths in the back seat. We were a few minutes late. The Red Cross had rolls and juice so the kids were thrilled. The expected speakers (the Governor, the Mayor etc.) at the send off ALL happened to send replacements. Some more prepared than others. Lynda and I were feeling the weight of Lee leaving. If you have never watched a group deploy you can not understand what it is like to see the soldier's families (all the babies and small kids hanging on the camouflage legs--spouses looking a bit grim and resolved). We spent the afternoon with the group at the armory - a great lunch was served and last minute details worked out.
I tried to go to a walk in clinic to have my elbow looked at but it had closed 8 minutes prior to my arrival. I took another 400 mg of IB and Hazel made me an ice pack. Lee returned his rental car, we walked the dogs then wen to the John and Lynda's to celebrate Liam's birthday with cake and gifts. He was thrilled....hugging everyone after every gift. He sat on top of the pool table with ear to ear grin and thanks.
I think it was only 5 or 6 at this time but we were all wearing down. Lee and I looked over some old photos from when the kids were small and some of his own childhood in South Africa. We bathed the kids and got them ready for bed. They decided to stay the night with their Nana and Papa since I have to drop Lee off at the Army base at 3 am.
Tearful good-bye for Lynda, sending off her son to a war she does not agree with while noting that Lee has always been adventurous. She notes as well that she is and has always been proud of that spirit, proud to live through his wild ways. Tough for his Mom.
Me, well my elbow still aches and the swelling continues. Concerns me but time is so short right now. I am too busy shutting myself down, fighting back tears with irritability and anger in a way I have come accustomed too. Frustrating for me and confusing to others.
This family will be one less tomorrow and I will regroup and get things together. My Dad arrives late Tuesday night and the kids and I look forward to some company in the house. I think I will clear a room and start inviting everyone I know to come at some point and spend a few days or more. It will make the time fly and give me time with people I have missed for so many years.
I woke up early today (Saturday) to get Hazel to her soccer game by 8 am. Liam in tow. Lee left at the same time to head for Cecil Field to gather his soldiers to prepare before families arrived for the big send off. While Hazel was warming up with her team Liam and I wen to get a coffee and he worked on some drawings with his magic markers. I was sweating it out an the sidelines in my black pants and light sweater that were appropriate for Lee's ceremony but ridiculous as the soccer Mom. Hazel played a good game. Sweating and flushed I removed her a few minutes before the end so I could dump water over her head and get to Lee's deployment ceremony.
Hazel changed cloths in the back seat. We were a few minutes late. The Red Cross had rolls and juice so the kids were thrilled. The expected speakers (the Governor, the Mayor etc.) at the send off ALL happened to send replacements. Some more prepared than others. Lynda and I were feeling the weight of Lee leaving. If you have never watched a group deploy you can not understand what it is like to see the soldier's families (all the babies and small kids hanging on the camouflage legs--spouses looking a bit grim and resolved). We spent the afternoon with the group at the armory - a great lunch was served and last minute details worked out.
I tried to go to a walk in clinic to have my elbow looked at but it had closed 8 minutes prior to my arrival. I took another 400 mg of IB and Hazel made me an ice pack. Lee returned his rental car, we walked the dogs then wen to the John and Lynda's to celebrate Liam's birthday with cake and gifts. He was thrilled....hugging everyone after every gift. He sat on top of the pool table with ear to ear grin and thanks.
I think it was only 5 or 6 at this time but we were all wearing down. Lee and I looked over some old photos from when the kids were small and some of his own childhood in South Africa. We bathed the kids and got them ready for bed. They decided to stay the night with their Nana and Papa since I have to drop Lee off at the Army base at 3 am.
Tearful good-bye for Lynda, sending off her son to a war she does not agree with while noting that Lee has always been adventurous. She notes as well that she is and has always been proud of that spirit, proud to live through his wild ways. Tough for his Mom.
Me, well my elbow still aches and the swelling continues. Concerns me but time is so short right now. I am too busy shutting myself down, fighting back tears with irritability and anger in a way I have come accustomed too. Frustrating for me and confusing to others.
This family will be one less tomorrow and I will regroup and get things together. My Dad arrives late Tuesday night and the kids and I look forward to some company in the house. I think I will clear a room and start inviting everyone I know to come at some point and spend a few days or more. It will make the time fly and give me time with people I have missed for so many years.
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